Motorcycle Accident

My motorcycle accident 9-10-11

September 11, 2011 at 8:51pm

This was written in 2011 and I still remember this day like it was yesterday.  Along with it being the day before the the World TradeCenter Buildings went down and over 3,000 lives were lost that day ... mine was almost lost as well.  I cannot believe how blessed I was to have survived that day.  I am blessed and thankful and happy and try to do good in the world ever since that day.Why does it always take near death to make us realize how precious life is.  t (2019)

Dear Asphalt .....

Seriously though ... yesterday Tony and I set out on the bikes to the yearly company party in Mattapoisett.  IT was such a beautiful day!  Should I ride all that way?  I had gotten my license last year and had been on the highway once or twice now.  Gone fast, merged ... the whole thing.  But this was like an hour away.  At least 50 minutes on the highway ... going onto 195 ... over a bridge, through a tunnel ( I don't like either ... even in a car).  Should I just ride as a passenger on Tony's bike? ... Nope ... Here we go.

So we do all that ... SO proud of myself for all the bridge thing, the tunnel, riding over messed up grooved roads, merging, slowing down ... paying attention.  Fifty minutes ... getting off the highway ... Mattapoisett, almost there YAY!

Downshifting ... face kinda tingling from 50 minutes of highway air on my face.  Tony had given me the "rock on" fingers cause I had done a good job.  Then on Rt 6 ... Tony slows down ... what? ... Didn't see him slow ... didn't feel him slow down.  Now he is RIGHT THERE!  I swerved and hit the right saddlebag ... bounce right, I pulled the handlebars to try to stabilize.  Tony is now pulled off to the side.  I realize I am in the "death wobble" and ... relinquish control of the bike.  I hit the pavement going about 25-30 mph.  I see the bike slide ahead of me.  Feel my back hit the ground.  I tumbled and then slid on the asphalt about another 30ft.  After all, was said and done.  I was sitting upright, on the solid yellow lines in the middle of a four-lane road ... rt 6 in Mass.  I see oncoming traffic.  Hear cars behind me.  See Tony approaching me ... telling me to sit still.  I realize my helmet is on.  I can feel my legs.  My arms and feet are burning like they are on fire.  I am sitting.  Then a woman comes to the right of me.  Traffic all stops around me.  I hear people talking to me ... "what's your name" "what day is it"  "where are you"  Now I realize it is NOT a dream.  Tony is in front of me answering questions.  "no she did not get hit"  "no a car did not hit her"  "no she hit me in the rear"  "Yes ... I am her husband"  My back ... I cannot breathe at all ... the pain ... OMG ... is my skin on fire?

Then LOTS of questions.  From me "where's Tony"  "Why is my foot burning"  "Did I ruin the bikes?"  Then " I am so sorry ... I am so sorry Tony!" "where's my iPad2" YES people ... I asked for my iPad2 ... which was IN the saddlebag I had hit and I just realized I just had it only a week and it was in the saddlebag I hit with my motorcycle.  Okay, that brought a lightened moment.

But then back to business.  NECK BRACE< head strapped to a backboard and then taped (cause I was being fiesty"  Oh man ... now in the ambulance.  Damn bumpy ride.  Off to St. Luke's in New Bedford Massachusetts.  Oh crap, there goes medical!  All kinds of questions ... answered them all nice and clear.  Now I am shaking and crying because it hurts SO SO SO bad.  The EMT is pointing out all my wounds cause I cannot move.  Where's Tony?  I find out that his bike is pretty much okay and he is riding it to the hospital while my bike gets picked up off the road by a friend.  What?  How is that possible?

At the hospital.  Alone for just a bit.  Diane shows up ... my little angel! Then Tony after her.  I was SO embarrassed.  So stupid, I felt SO stupid.  Did I have a brain fart or something?  Why didn't I feel him slow down ... was there a brake light and I didn't see it?  Why was I not paying attention?  Was I too close?  Now I am just another STUPID girl on a motorcycle.  A stupid broad who should have not been riding a motorcycle.

But then a good friend told me ... You were doing something you enjoyed and loved.  Things happen and don't let anyone tell you otherwise ... you deserve to do things that make you happy. 

LOVE YOU DIANE!

Okay okay, so she is right ... she is you know!

I ended up with some pretty ugly meaty road rash mostly all along my left side.  Left wrist, forearm, little on the knee, top of foot REAL bad.  Broken rib in the back.  Nicks and cuts around fingers, hands.

NO head trauma, NO neck injury, NO face or teeth trauma. 

Pretty damn lucky ... pretty damn blessed. 

I don't want to think of the could haves ... because ALL the could haves are scary. 

I just know that I am here.  I am safe.  Superficial wounds.  Hurting HELL yes but I am feeling the pain and it reminds me ... I am here.

Dear Human Race

Love ...

April 22, 2010 at 12:13am

Since the day I came to be, I provided you with all you needed
I had shelter for you, food for you and love for you
Since I became what I am ... I gave you air and kept you safe
Along came more and more of the taking ... but I still loved you
More and more of the stealing ... but I still loved you
You puncture me, use me and abuse me
But I still love you.
I am here for you ... but I may not always be.
Take time to appreciate me.

Not just one day of the year ... but every day.
Take time to enjoy the gifts I give to you without selfishness.
Realize that I am one of a kind. All things were put into place
for you to survive with me.
There is no other like me and not likely to be.
Smell me, feel me ... love me too.
Listen to me ... embrace me with love.
That is all I ask of you.
Love,
The Earth

Written by Tami Ward April 22, 2010 Earth Day

I thought about you today ...

      I thought about you today the first time in  a long time it was  without malice

     I thought about you today and it was with love and peace and forgiveness

     I thought about you today when I smelled something that reminded me of you

     I thought about you today and you and I and the times that we shared and events that we shared and what you gave my life that I will forever be grateful for

     I thought about you today for the first time, in a long time,  I was not sad,  I was not regretful...  I was not angry, I was not hateful, I was peaceful and I was proud

     I was proud and thankful for what you gave me in the part of my life that you needed to be a part of and even though you are no longer a part of my life I can now cherish and move on and  that you were meant to come in my life for a reason and you were also going to leave and be gone from my life for a reason

     I thought about you today and I thought about your happiness and not my own and I wish and genuinely wish for your happiness and your friendships that you have formed without me and I’ve come to the conclusion that that is OK

     I thought about you today and I cried a little bit and I gave a piece of myself to the universe knowing that you could never be a part of my life but knowing that you will always be a part of my heart and I am thankful for that truly and 100% thankful

     And I know you may not ever understand the reasons why we must never be together again and that I am at peace with the fact that the memories and the love of you will always be unconditional and you always be a part of my past  that is special and meaningful and I am thankful for that

Truly thankful 

     For there are those who never truly ever have that in their life and I have had it and I have experienced it and I am grateful and I will be forever blessed for I thought of you today with a kind heart and loving spirit

And I have released it and given it to the universe forever in my heart

Que serà serà ... what ever will be will be

Release ...

Truth

That is all.

Happy Motherfucking Mother's Day

Let me give you the stone hard truth about living with adult children with mental illness and/or disabilities.  It sucks.  The man/boy has no concept of what makes me happy in any way.  Is that selfish of me to want otherwise when I know he is probably not capable of it 85% of the time?  I do not know.  
All I know is it hurts my heart.
It hurts my heart when I hear him begging for friends to come over every. Single. Day.  
When we seem to take two steps forward and then three steps back on every. Single. Thing> in adult life.
When I think for one moment that we are making progress and when he gets his first check and spends it all on weed or going out with his friends or every. Waking. Moment. Looking for someone to hang out with.  
I sometimes question if he even loves me.  Or if I even love him.  Is this normal?  I cannot find anything online because NO ONE wants to write about mental illness or autism or bipolar or adolescence or kids or not loving your kids ... GOD forbid you are NOT feeling LOVE for your children 100% of the time.  Imagine the SHAME.  
But people this shit is REAL.  REAL time and really important to get out there.  Sometimes people say "I love my child but I do not like them"  No shit .... really ... here I will do you one better ... I sometimes feel I do not feel I love my child.  
Why do we and should we be shamed for this?  Because there are people who lost children and would do anything to get them back.  Because there are people who desperately want children but cannot have them.  Because there are people who are sitting by their children's beside in hospitals right now wishing they could have a happy, healthy child.  But my child is rarely happy and is not really healthy. He has addiction issues and a mental health issue that will stay with him his whole life.  He is behind about 6 years in maturity which I feel puts him in a significant amount of danger because his maturity does not match his chronological age.  
Therefore, it scares me. And it scares me that no one is allowed to come out with these feelings without being shamed for them.  
I am pretty used to most shit that is dealt to me when it comes to the man/boy because I understand that he does not understand feelings and the way the world works like most people do.  But once, just once, I wish I could have a genuine feeling from him.  An " I am sorry" or "I love you" that is not scripted or rehearsed or inside him "thing" he is "supposed" to do.  And NOTHING he does is for anything but his own egocentric self.  There is NO altruism in anything he does.  He does not initiate any kindness or "come up" with anything that will make me happy.  He does have moments of sweetness but it is always for his "friends".  Is this normal?  
I know others of teenage boys say this IS normal.  Most of it anyway.  The thinking of "my parents hate my friends but they are the most important thing in my life right now" form of thinking that most parents of adolescents go through.  
The thing is I am navigating this thing alone.  I have the DH but he is at his wit's end as well.  I have no real "girlfriends" or "BFF" to listen to my woes to help me along the way so I mourn this still.  
It is what it is.  I write.  I read. I do school work.  I clean.  I dig in my yard and I go on.
Just as I have for years and I am sure years to come.
I just get frustrated and sad.  
Maybe I will look back on this day like I do now and consider these days ... easy?
Maybe ... just maybe.