The invisible enemy .... he is always just a step away

I wrote this Sunday afternoon.  I wish I could sleep until noon on a Monday ... psssthhh

So this morning I slept until noon.  I went to bed later than usual last night ... maybe about 1:20.  I have decided something I have always known.  Sleeping is my coping mechanism.  I know my gastric bypass has given me a whole new life and perspective on things but when I look back I really don't eat much differently than I did BEFORE the bypass.  Quantity was maybe the main culprit ... but thinking more about it ... my coping mechanism was probably more the culprit.  And that was sleeping.  I slept when I was sad.  I slept when I felt overwhelmed.  I slept when something didn't go my way.  I slept when I was disappointed.  I could sleep forever. So I would get up, pee, maybe get something to eat sometimes good choices sometimes bad and as soon as I was done ... back to bed.  My metabolism was at a stand still.  My body was ALWAYS in starvation mode and never knew when my next meal was so it HELD onto my fat like a damn miser holding onto his gold.  I didn't take IN many calories it was the NOT burning them off that made a difference because I LOVED my pillow, my bed ... the dreams and escape from reality I could get.  I actually became quite an efficient lucid dreamer.  I could get up, pee (LOL) go back to bed and pick that damn dream up right were I left off!  It was like going to the movies!  But it was not healthy. I was a napping/sleeping fool.

And there for a few shaky years, with two kids, that I DID indeed do that.  I especially remember one particular year.  Not too sure what year it was.  During this year NEITHER child got to school on time EVER!  Seriously I was the mom from hell that year.  The teacher's were concerned but screw them they didn't know what I was going through.  And WHAT was I going through ... I don't even remember.  EVERY SINGLE chance I got I would sleep.  I would sleep all weekend.  Man ... dark years going on there. 

My blessed husband did what he could.  Helped how he could but he kinda just worked to keep the money flowing in so even he didn't really know the extend of my depression.  He was working full time AND part time AND going to school part time.  To better our family and I NEVER begrudged him for that.  Never ever thought "Why isn't he here for me"  He was doing what he had to do to insure our future would be bright.  But those times were not bright for me.  A couple of things snapped me out of it. One times I sent Hunter to school in his sister's jeans.  They had butterflies on the back pockets and some kids made fun of him in school.  His reaction was "Hey my mom is tired a lot ... she just made a mistake ... shut up!"  Go boy!  But I did get a call from the school to pick him up or bring him another pair of pants.  Which totally interrupted the nap I was taking! The nerve! Geez. Another time was when I was napping on the couch in complete exhaustion and despair and Hunter shook me to tell me his sister was blue.  She had apparently found a teeny tiny traffic cone from one of Hunter's Hot Wheels sets and had put it in her mouth, pointy end down.  And was not breathing.  I picked her up did the ol' back slapping thing and the cone came flying out!  Her color returned and she was back to playing like nothing happened.  Needless to say my ass was VERY awake the rest of that day! Plus the fact I had ten years just shaved off my young life.  
Things got better from there but I never felt "right".  I tried a few different kinds of medicine combinations but some made it hard on the sex life, some just didn't work and some just had too many side effects.  I ended up with Wellbutrin.  The best one yet.  During nursing Hailey for her first year I didn't need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds at all ... she was my natural drug.  Nursing released all kinds of endorphins and it was a great natural way to relax.  But she started to wean herself at about ten months and then was only nursing at night and in the morning and then one day at exactly 12 months ... she was ALL set. I was SO sad.  But I let her lead the way and that was her way. 
 After that was when the serious depression set in.  THAT was when I was trying the different meds and finally ended up with the Wellbutrin which FINALLY seemed to help.  It did helps for a few years and I only had a few dips, hills and valleys.  Having a child with Autism is SO difficult and unless you live it every day ... you just cannot understand.  So after finding out I was as high as I could go on my Wellbutrin I added Celexa! YES!  The clouds disappeared and the sun came out!  LOL!  Things were so much better for so many years.  Plus Tony was done with his apprenticeship and was home more.  The kids were older and playing together, making friends, being more independent and generally easier to take care of.  They were at the age when I could really enjoy them, teach them.  They wanted to learn about new things and why things were they way they were and this brought out the natural teacher in me.  But I fought every day the demons that wracked my brain and I still do ... cause that little bastard is always around the corner.  And I don't know why I let him stalk me ... others don't understand it either.  But he is always there.  And I always need to shoo him away and some days its just fucking exhausting and I am tired and I let him slip and meld onto me like a leech.  And lately I have been having more and more days of letting him invade me and I am always worried about those dark days from the past.  Part of it is laziness cause he is stronger than I am ... and some of it is just easier to let him lull me to sleep.  But the spring is coming and he does not like the sunshine so that is my weapon. It is ALWAYS easier to keep him at bay in the spring, summer and fall.  So here's to SPRING ... and my super power of sunshine and sand between my toes and flowers blooming and green grass.  TAKE THAT you little bastard ... I got this!

Peace
T

The day that broke the camel's back ....

The day that broke the camel's back.....me being the camel.

So I am on my way nine months into my recovery from my gastric bypass ...feeling good...losing good...fitting into clothes I never thought I would every again ...out for the day with my babe....sun was shining and WHAM!

Young man, still with his 7-11 work shirt on, iPod on the steering wheel, ear buds in.  I was in the passenger seat one leg crossed over the other because I was sending an email to my boss about an upcoming shift.  Tony had seen ...just seen ...the car coming up from behind us and had a split second to think "oh shit" ....then I felt the impact which flew my iPad off my lap and launched me forward.  My leg was in a wacky position and I immediately started to cry.  Yes, I did have my seatbelt on.  I know if I hadn't my head would have totally have hit the dash.  I was looking down when we were hit so my neck was in immediate pain.  Tony got out of the car and the kid rips his ear buds out of his ears and throws his iPod on the seat and got out with the attitude like WE had just inconvenienced him!  Really? Well when my 6'1" 325lbs husband got out .....the kids back down a few notches and called the police.  The ambulance came and I SO didn't want to go because the last time I was in an ambulance was from my motorcycle accident and it was SO scary and uncomfortable but my neck hurt and my ear was strangely numb.  So they strapped me in and off I went to Kent.  Arriving at Kent was a complete joke. I continuously complained of a numb left ear and a numb feeling in my cheek to no avail.  I was told it was because of the thing on my neck that the sound was muffled.  Dude ...I slid 87 feet on the hot asphalt just two years before and didn't remember my ear and side of my face feeling numb from the neck thingy.  A quick look over and boy do I mean QUICK LIKE 10 min asked me a few questions, STILL, telling them about the numb ear ...they didn't care.  NO X-RAYS and I was on  my way like a drive thru at a fast food restaurant!  They must have been thinking " sure another Rhode Islander who got rear ended and can't wait to sue" I was still sooooo upset I don't even remembering getting back home in bed.   I slept the rest of the day.

Upon waking the next day my ear was still numb, now the side of my face was numb and my BPPV had been activated.  

Quick lesson: " Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) is the most common disorder of the inner ear’s vestibular system, which is a vital part of maintaining balance. BPPV is benign, meaning that it is not life-threatening nor generally progressive. BPPV produces a sensation of spinning called vertigo that is both paroxysmal and positional, meaning it occurs suddenly and with a change in head position. 

BPPV occurs as a result of otoconia, tiny crystals of calcium carbonate that are a normal part of the inner ear’s anatomy, detaching from the otolithic membrane in the utricle and collecting in one of the semicircular canals. When the head is still, gravity causes the otoconia to clump and settle (Figure 1). When the head moves, the otoconia shift. This stimulates the cupula to send false signals to the brain, producing vertigo and triggering nystagmus (involuntary eye movements)"

I had been symptom free for almost a year up until that point. Cause I do these stupid exercises to get the little calcium deposits to get to a place for them not to cause trouble.

It is just a pain in the ass and that lasted about a week.  In the meantime I began to feel pain in my lower back. Which was weird because I never had back issues and after losing all my weight my back actually felt like a million bucks.  But I chalked it up to sleeping in the wrong position, working third shift and going to school full time.  But then it became where I could not even do my job.  I could no longer help with clients getting dressed or in and out of bed without me asking for a lot of assistance from a co worker so I was like WTF I guess I should go get it looked at.  Well what they found was not pretty.  I go there and the doc says so what brings you here to see me today and I said .....I had an awesome back before September 6th, got rear ended and now my back is getting progressively worse.  At that time a chiropractor had been working on my neck and all was hunky dory but he did want to touch my lower back until we got som X-rays. 

Once the Chiro saw this he didn't want to touch that shit with a 10ft pole.  Can you see the break?  And the slippage forward. Follow the Spine bones down and you see one that has a space ...yea that's not sposed to be there. You know that song "one of things is not like the other...." 

Sssoooooooo now the doc is like yea you cannot work because my job requires I lift at least 40lbs at any given time so I was out of work Nov 15th.  I applied for FMLA which only hold your position for 13 weeks.  Also here I am on a trajectory to finish school for Spring of 2015 with my Bachelors in Psychology so I am dealing with the pain and still going to school with a time bomb in my back.  I go back to see him March 4th he takes another X-ray and is like ....you cannot wait any longer.  I say well if you can get me in before spring break which was the week after then let's do it.  I was on the operation table two days later.  Blue Cross approved that shit like nothing after seeing the X-rays and MRIs.  So now I missed a day or so of school to get my family, house and shit in order.  Pre op testing and blah blah blah.

So the surgery goes well.  What doesn't go well is apparently my body doesn't like pain meds ....like any pain meds.  They were causing my blood pressure to do funky things and one time it was as low as 45/37!  My lips turned blue and I kinda blacked out and lost consciousness and next thing I was back in bed with a catheter re-inserted with instructions to not get up at all.  I was very disappointed in my  body and everything.  It was nothing like the gastric bypass. The pain was way more intense and because they felt the pain meds were messing with my BP they took my button away ASAP and put me on HALF the dosage of what you would  normally give someone after this kind of operation.  But we finally did find the right combination and I was finally able to stand and pee on my own and damn once you do that they are shipping your ass out of there.  But I was there five days instead of the anticipated two and that totally fuxked with my head.  Here is the before and after pictures

And here are the two separated

As you can see the slippage is still there and I will have to live with that the rest of my life.  Apparently when they got in there they had to also perform a laminectomy as well as the fusion and could not line up that vertebra. Eh, it is what it is.

So now my FMLA has run up.  I basically have lost my job because by law they do not have to hold my position for me but did offer for me to come back as a sub for a dollar less an hour and a schedule that is like an "on call" thing which obviously I cannot do with two teenagers and a full time school schedule.  So not it's all in the doctors and lawyers hands.  And I need these people to speed this shit up.  I see the doc  next week so we will see what he says.  Here is what the incision looked like after surgery

DO NOT LOOK IF YOU HET SQUEAMISH!

Not too bad...I have to say I had NO bruising and it looks still pretty good. 19 staples ....come on!  You couldn't throw one more in there to make it 20!? Lol!

Here it is with the staples out and it is looking better everyday but now my muscles are WICKED pissed off and I am still in pain with some things.  Driving totally sucks but I gotta do it.  My dad helped with school for the first week taking me and Tony picked me up.  But that just sucked.  So I am driving again and the incision and the muscles hurt while driving.

Emotionally this back surgery has weighed way more heavily on me than the motorcycle AND the gastric bypass.  But I am not going to dwell on it and that is for another day.  I need to get some sleep and snuggle with my pups!  Nighty night all!

These are the stupid exercise I need to do for my BPPV!

Peace

~t

  

1 YEAR, 12 MONTHS, 365 DAYS, 8760 HOURS, 525,600 MINUTES, 31,536,000SECONDS…

I cannot believe it has been a year.  And I cannot believe it has been almost a month past that year since I have found the time to write about it.

In 2013, on Valentine's Day, I decide to love "myself" and have RNY gastric bypass.  If you go back, back in my blog you can read about all the leading up to that.  This post is about how I have been doing over the past year.

Let's start physically.  Right now I am holding at 160-164 depending on the day and a size 12/14 depending on the company.  I can wear a L shirt but I kinda still like a lot of XL for a comfy factor.  I had gotten as low as 148lbs but people started making comments about my looking sick and that my eyes looked baggy.  I personally would like to hover between 155-158.  But there is a reason for the small weight gain ....that's another post! ☻ I can move around better.  I can put my body into crazy positions and skip up the stairs. (Before the auto accident ....another post)

Here is the thing about my weight loss physically.  I always promised to be brutally honest.  I have no exercise routine.  I do not go to the gym.  I do not lift weights, not even tiny small ones.  I do not do sit ups or push ups or planking.  I do not run matprathons and really don't feel the need to.  I like the "idea" of running and was hoping to try it but school takes up a lot of my time.  

This all makes me very conflicted.  I feel guilty.  I am not saying I do NOTHING. I walk the neighborhood with the dogs.  Run in the ball field here and there with one of my pups that love to play fetch.  But I see others who are going to the gym 3,4,5 times a week.  Some are losing fast and some are loading slower no matter what they do.  Here I am having lost my first 100lbs in under 6 months and about 20 lbs or so in the other six.  I hit my goal weight and then some in under a year.  Did I work hard following the rules with eating?  Hell yes!

So I guess here is where I fall into the emotional part of it.  People ask me what have I done to lose all that weight after surgery.  What exercise routine I have?  My arms and thighs look good, well decent compare to others who started off looking like me in the beginning, what kinds of exercises I do.  I don't lie ....I say nothing.  Just day to day stuff.  I was ALWAYS an active person. always active in the yard, the house just generally not able to sit still. I NEVER let my weight stop me before.  I know and am so happy for those who are always trying new things because now they can!  It is so wonderful!  But I never let anything stop me before.  If someone said "climb that tree over there" shit ....fat or not I would be climbing my ass up or die trying.  If I went to an amusement park and they were like  " hmmmmm ...you may not fit comfortably on this ride" fuck off ....squeeze my ass on there!  So sometimes I feel like the only thing that has changed has been the amount of food I am able to eat and the healthier choices I made. I worked DAMN hard BEFORE surgery.  And THAT is what I contribute my success to.  I started probably two years before I even considered surgery doing little things.  NO FAST FOOD, then portion control, NO SECONDS EVER! The watching sugar intake and carbs.  Then I did add a wee bit of exercise like walking the dogs more than usual.

Now I am saying, BY NO MEANS, people should not be exercising or can or could achieve the same results as I did without a regimented exercise routine.

Once again I feel like you have to do what's right for you!

And that leads me to my next post where the shit hit the fan!

But before I do that ....as a wonderful surgiversary present to myself I decided to hire a photographer to take some pictures of me naked.  And I want to do this as a yearly treat to myself to document how my body changes and ages along time.  Also did some boudoir pictures and pin up pictures for my man for Valentines Day!  I have to say it was the most awesome experience I have ever had!  I came to my friends house just out of the shower in a cami and some grey yoga pants.  Then I had her photograph me literally undressing ( the photographer not my friend lol) I have fully naked ones that I obviously cannot share or maybe I will one day but if anyone wants to do anything special for yourselves ...do this!  This young woman is a wonderful mom, and is trying to run her photography business so she can stay home with her new baby.  She set up in my friends house like a professional studio and it was amazing!  Please look her up for any kind of photos you need!  Weddings, baby pictures, senior pictures, etc.  You will be glad you did.  Here is her website:  http://doinaabukarma.smugmug.com

Meanwhile here are some of my favorites: