Let me give you the stone hard truth about living with adult children with mental illness and/or disabilities. It sucks. The man/boy has no concept of what makes me happy in any way. Is that selfish of me to want otherwise when I know he is probably not capable of it 85% of the time? I do not know.
All I know is it hurts my heart.
It hurts my heart when I hear him begging for friends to come over every. Single. Day.
When we seem to take two steps forward and then three steps back on every. Single. Thing> in adult life.
When I think for one moment that we are making progress and when he gets his first check and spends it all on weed or going out with his friends or every. Waking. Moment. Looking for someone to hang out with.
I sometimes question if he even loves me. Or if I even love him. Is this normal? I cannot find anything online because NO ONE wants to write about mental illness or autism or bipolar or adolescence or kids or not loving your kids ... GOD forbid you are NOT feeling LOVE for your children 100% of the time. Imagine the SHAME.
But people this shit is REAL. REAL time and really important to get out there. Sometimes people say "I love my child but I do not like them" No shit .... really ... here I will do you one better ... I sometimes feel I do not feel I love my child.
Why do we and should we be shamed for this? Because there are people who lost children and would do anything to get them back. Because there are people who desperately want children but cannot have them. Because there are people who are sitting by their children's beside in hospitals right now wishing they could have a happy, healthy child. But my child is rarely happy and is not really healthy. He has addiction issues and a mental health issue that will stay with him his whole life. He is behind about 6 years in maturity which I feel puts him in a significant amount of danger because his maturity does not match his chronological age.
Therefore, it scares me. And it scares me that no one is allowed to come out with these feelings without being shamed for them.
I am pretty used to most shit that is dealt to me when it comes to the man/boy because I understand that he does not understand feelings and the way the world works like most people do. But once, just once, I wish I could have a genuine feeling from him. An " I am sorry" or "I love you" that is not scripted or rehearsed or inside him "thing" he is "supposed" to do. And NOTHING he does is for anything but his own egocentric self. There is NO altruism in anything he does. He does not initiate any kindness or "come up" with anything that will make me happy. He does have moments of sweetness but it is always for his "friends". Is this normal?
I know others of teenage boys say this IS normal. Most of it anyway. The thinking of "my parents hate my friends but they are the most important thing in my life right now" form of thinking that most parents of adolescents go through.
The thing is I am navigating this thing alone. I have the DH but he is at his wit's end as well. I have no real "girlfriends" or "BFF" to listen to my woes to help me along the way so I mourn this still.
It is what it is. I write. I read. I do school work. I clean. I dig in my yard and I go on.
Just as I have for years and I am sure years to come.
I just get frustrated and sad.
Maybe I will look back on this day like I do now and consider these days ... easy?
Maybe ... just maybe.
