Happy Valentine's Day
To me!
I specifically chose Valentine's Day four years ago as the day I wanted to change my life. If you look back on my beginning posts you will see it was a decision that did not come easy. Maybe for some it is. It took my doctor three years to convince me.
Here are some stats on me:
HW 289
SW 252
LW 148
CW 184
IW 165
(Highest weight, surgery weight, lowest weight, current weight, ideal weight)
When I started this my BMI was 40.7
My BMI today is 29.7
My ideal weight would be 165 because then I would be considered "normal weight" and my BMI would be 25.
It is my goal not just because of that but because I also felt better at 165. It was my most comfortable. Shirts size L and size 14 pants. At my lowest weight I got into a size 10 for like a day. I was in 12s for a few months but 14 was always where I felt like me. I am fine with that. I do not need to, nor desire to be, a size 2. Besides my body is just not built that way.
I have learned a LOT in the past four years. I have learned that food is everywhere. Food is social, food is emotional and food has a part in every aspect of our lives. I never thought about food so much as I do now and these past four years. Our relationship with food rules how we feel about ourselves. We label food as "good" or "bad". Food rules our emotions and our emotions are ruled by food. A day can be ruined or celebrated by what we put in our mouth. Does that seem right? Right or not there is plenty of data showing that food is indeed a huge emotional ruler. Physically I have learned a lot about myself during this journey. I have learned to listen to my body. To really listen and most of all to trust what it needs. I am going to be honest with you here. I do NOT follow all the rules. I follow what works for me. The ONE rule I have always followed though is NO CARBONATED beverages. Honestly speaking to you again, not because it is a rule, but because it just plain hurts like hell. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I was never a big soda drinker anyway so it was not a big deal. For some it was and some have gone back and suffered the consequences because of it. It all comes down to choices and what you want for you. I hear success and not so successful stories. I guess I have had what you call a "re-gain" because I should be around 165lbs. So I have 20lbs to lose. Some say this is not so damn bad. I do not get crazy about it. U til year three I was maintaining the 165. Then something weird happened. Going into year four eating began to lose its charm. I would go days just drinking and not eating much then I would have days where I was like a fiend eating everything. I would get pain after a few bites right under the top of my left high ribs. I could eat an almost full sized restaurant meal. I decided to go check and see if my pouch was working okay. We did an upper GI .... guess what? My pouch is fine. How is that? My pouch did not enlarge, stretch or change since a week or a year after surgery but I could eat a good amount of food ... where the hell is it going? Mmmmmm .... wicked weird. LOL. I was happy to discover nothing was really wrong. There is one tiny spot that may possibly be widened a bit and I was to go for a consult with the surgeon to see if it was worth going in and cinching it up but today got a call to reschedule. So we will have to see.
It may or may not be worth the aggravation. I will keep you posted on that. Over four years I have a DNE list and it grows everyday it seems. The DNE (do not eat) list is as follows:
Tuna
Cereal with milk
Peppermint patties
Anything nestle
Chocolate cake
Hamburg
Some other beef like some steaks
Pancakes
Most all bread
Some pasta
Donuts
NO fast food (reg hard taco from Taco Bell is ok)
Notice most of these things are "bad" foods anyway. But I am human and have eaten all of these things and no matter how big or small the amount consumed they upset my stomach and I do not feel well after eating them. Hershey chocolate is okay for some reason. Weird. But anyway, a lot of times even if I am eating "good" food, I often still feel uncomfortable after eating. Maybe I eat too fast. I AM always in a hurry and eat too fast. Most people who see me after four years like the way I look now. Some say before I was looking too scrawny and now am just right. Like I said, I want to be down a bit more but for the most part am still pretty happy here. For someone who is not extremely active, I am damn okay the way I am now. My blood work has been fantastic! I was lifting weight for awhile and was doing pretty well. But some family issues came up and has distracted me as of the past few months so I have to find the motivation to get back into it.
The main thing since surgery is the mind fuck. It is huge people and I am telling you that if you do not have your shit together before surgery you will NOT have it together after. First, for the first year your emotions are that related to a pregnant woman with hormones all the hell over the place! It is cry, scream, calm down, rinse and repeat. If you get through the first year and you are still semi sane congrats there is hope for you! Medication does not work the same as it is absorbed differently. My psyche meds are not nearly as effective as they were before surgery and I have had to reach into my mental coping skills toolbox more than I woul like to admit. And sometimes it has helped and sometimes it has not. It is a daily struggle and I am going soon to get my meds reassessed to make sure I am on the best kind/dose to help me through.
Most of all folks in the past four years I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with others. I have learned people either want to be part of your journey or not. Maybe it has been a coincidence that the surgery has happened to be around the same time my brain matured to come to the realization who/what is important in my life and worth being around and/or fighting for. Relationships change and some relationships cannot withstand this journey. Smetimes it is the other person that changes or it is you. I have always tried to stay true to myself and who I am and have always been. I would like to think I am a better person. I have lost during this journey and lost big. It was not just pounds lost but friendships as well. It took me a long time to think and heal from this but I feel I am finally on my way. I know now that certain things will be lost forever and that realization has been the hardest of all.
I have my husband and my kids. This Valentine's Day, four years out from gastric bypass, I have my health. I have lost more than just fat these past four years and even though I gained a bit back the thing that I gained most has been an understanding of myself, who I want to be moving forward and how I will get there.
You can follow along dear reader if you choose.
Peace always and in all ways
T
