Bloggity Blog Blog

 

Wow!  I cannot believe how much time has passed since the last time I have written in this blog.
A lot has been going on.
I went back to college full time.  Working full time.  Then got into a small car accident (rear-ended) and got taken out of work.
Got a bilateral break on one of the lower vertebra and a bulging disc.  YAY!
But despite that, I am still doing well with my staying on a healthy track.  I have strayed a little.
Swedish fish and jolly rancher chews!  DAMN THEM!
I have to go for my 9month blood work and then Dr. Roye in January.  I had an appointment with him in December but damn I was too wrapped up in trying to survive my first semester back in college.
So next week I am going one morning.  Just to get it over with.  My last one, the 6month one, was good.  He said one of my proteins could be a little better but he was fine with it and very happy about my progress!
I had gotten down as low as 148 (from my highest of 278 last year) but quickly DIDN'T stay there.  I am running about 153-156 on any given day.  I honestly do not let the scale stress me out and I only weigh myself in the morning after a shower, in my birthday suit! And I only do it every other day.
I have gone up to 159 and back down again.  I feel honestly happy about where I am.  I want it to stay under 160 and never as low as 145 cause the 148 I thought I looked kinda sick.
But I tend to look saggy baggy on days where my water intake sucks. 
So what the HELL has been going on?
What changes have I noticed?

Well ... people talk to me.  Like make eye contact, speak to me, hold doors for me.
I was like what the hell are all these crazy people doing?
I was never a shy person.  Never let my weight slow me down or prevent me from doing something.  I always made eye contact and am a genuine people watcher.  But now they WATCH back!
I look at people and they like look BACK at me!
It actually  makes me feel kinda weird.  I am the same person on the inside but obviously NOT on the outside.  Why is this?
Maybe before I was "invisible" to them because of my weight.  People kinda walked around and either was not noticing me or didn't want to look at the fat girl? 
I personally stare at people JUST as much as I always have.  Now I get "why is that crazy bitch stalking me with her eyes" or I get smiles back.  Then I kinda jump cause I am not used to people actually making eye contact back.
Now I notice people looking at me like ALL the time.  This has made me weirdly kinda shy.
Okay that's messed up right?  Here I am 130lbs lighter and want people to STOP looking at me but when I was larger I was like "why doesn't anyone look at me?"  Not that I really cared but its just odd.

Something I have learned over the past few months as well.
Not everyone wants to hear, see or know about my journey.  I have actually have had a few people stop talking to me.   People who used to talk to me daily, weekly or monthly ...now ... not so much or not at all.  Maybe its not me. I mean, I am not that spectacular but it seems coincidental with some of the people.  That since the surgery they do not talk to me anymore.  And some of them I miss and some not so much.
But I say whatever.  I have not changed personality wise ... so whatever.
I just wish, if the weight loss is the issue they would just man up and say it and kick me in the balls if I need it.  I can be humbled.  They can be honest.  I am a tough chick.
but again ... whatevs.

A good friend of mine told me gently (and I am actually TRULY thankful) that she is happy ... so happy for me and all I have accomplished BUT not everyone wants to hear about it and especially when I am around those who are larger, who may or may not be struggling with their weight, want to hear how I am so amazed that I "let myself get that big" or "what was I thinking" or "man I looked like I was going to explode".  They don't want to see picture after pictures of side by sides. 
I am so thankful she told me this and I now have decided to share all my weight loss stuff on this blog.  Cause people can then decide for themselves if they WANT to go and see and read about my journey.  It won't be like IN THIER FACE!  And if I had been doing this to anyone who is reading this ... I am sorry if in any way I made you feel uncomfortable. 

Sometimes it takes someone to kinda pull you back down to earth when you are flying so high on yourself.  So I am only going to talk about it to people who ask.  People who want to know about me and my journey can come here to see pics, look at my diet, what I am doing to stay healthy, what is pissing me off, what is working and not working and so on.  They will have to actively seek out the information and that works for me.

Naturally I am proud of myself and excited.  I have NEVER EVER been this small as an adult.  EVER.  It still is amazing.  I never disliked myself before but looking at pictures from the past kinda make me sad.  People say "I don't EVER remember you looking like that" and I take that as a compliment because that means they never saw a big woman.  They saw a woman that was fun, confident and just a goof ball.  I always smiled.  I never let shit stop me from doing stuff.  If I didn't fit into something and I wanted to do it ... I squeezed my shit in there man! LOL!
I always thought I was pretty, smart and fun.  Every now and then I was like WTF I want those jeans or I wish I could look like some skinny girl working a cool shirt or something.  Or someone would day "Damn Tony's wife is pretty" instead of "funny" or "creative" or "she makes me laugh"
which are a big girls WORST nightmares to hear.  Just sayin'
But I never woke up and disliked who I was physically.  But when I look at the pictures now ... I feel sad and kinda mad that I had let it get to an unhealthy point. And my weight WAS making me unhealthy.  It was a fact.  Bloodwork, tests and sugar numbers don't lie ... no matter how much you love yourself and proud to be a big woman.
 But I also feel proud because I never let my size define me.

My body feels weird now.  I can feel bones everywhere.  I am often like wtf ... what is that pain?  Oh shit my ass bone is on this hard chair and it hurts.  I have lots of skin hanging.  Lots.  But surprisingly it does not really make me as mad as I thought.  I thought ... hell yea I am SO getting surgery for that shit if it gets crazy.  Now ... I am not feeling it.   I have not really gone balls to the wall with working out.  I am going to try that first.  My arms are not that bad.  My stomach is not as bad as I thought and my boobs ... well they are just boobs! LOL!  I DID have two kids!
I don't mind wearing some spanx to hold all that in.  My legs are pretty saggy (upper thighs) much more than I thought out of every thing because I never thought I had that much fat on my legs.  I mean summer isn't here yet either so I may chime back in then and be like "PREP THE OR!"  LOL!  but as of right now ... I am not feeling reconstructive surgery.  I genuinely need to feel like I have done all I could to tighten it all up and I mean like hard core regimen to see if it can be done before I think about that. 
Well if it was not for this damn back issue I would start.  But doc says NO to any kind of lifting, pulling, pushing ... etc.  So I am going to heal up, keep on my good eating and just think about school for now.  But spring is going to be my thing!

I just took some new pics today.  Ones with my clothes and one with just a bra and undies. I want to post them because when I was pre-op I was desperately looking for women who looked like me and what they looked like afterwards.  I only found a few.  I am not shy I will put them up but ... not sure if I feel like listening to some of my family.  I mean I don't really care but yet then I do.  I really and truly want to help those who are going through this or any kind of weight loss ... I want them to know what your skin possibly may look like.  I SO wanted to see and I think it would have helped me be prepared a bit more. I mean, I was having the operation anyway but it is nice to see how different bodies react to the surgery.  To have a wide range of bodies to look at.  And the fact is, the pics are just not out there.  Maybe I will do it ... maybe I won't. 

Either way ... this is the journey.  HERE is where it will all be in black and white and color too!
Come and read, look ... and if not that's cool too. 
More thoughts and pictures next time!
Peace
~T

Me and my lovey!

Me and my spawn at Niagara Falls in October 2013

My Diet

So many people have been asking what it's like after surgery.  Can I eat normal?  What do I eat? Do I exercise?  How much?  When?  How often do I eat?  Does anything bother my stomach?

Well let's start off by me saying that I made a lot of changes in the YEAR before surgery.  I cut out fast food and soda.  Then I moved onto portion control.  Then I moved onto lowering my sugar intake and my carb intake.  I then began to really look at the servings and measure out a serving.  And after doing that my sugar numbers were still not coming down and I was not losing much weight.  THEN I decided the surgery was my only way to help me become healthy.  And it was the best decision I have ever made!  But here is a run down of some things.

*First off..... I do not eat any fake shit.  I don't do margarine, artificial sweeteners, etc.  I use real freaking butter, real sugar and real cream.  I do not use low fat anything.

*I do not have any carbonated beverages

*I do not drink with my meals and wait at least a half an hour after eating to drink.

*I do not eat anything with more than 5-10 grams of sugar (I like to stay around 7g)

*I keep my carbs under 80g a day.  

*I make sure my portions are smaller than my fist.

*My protein intake is 60-80 grams a day

*I make sure I am only have ONE serving of something when I eat

*I make sure my body is getting some sort of fuel every 2-3 hours

Typical Day

Breakfast: any one of these

scrambled egg

Protein shake

Belvita crackers

Oatmeal

Protein bar (watch sugar and carb content)

Refrained beans, fried egg and dab of sour cream with shredded cheese

Lunch: any one of these

Cucumbers and Tomatoes with shredded cheese

Rolled up salami, ham or turkey with provolone

Half slice of wheat bread with peanut butter

Cottage cheese with pineapple

Protein shake

Dinner: 

I eat dinner with my family and eat what they eat. 

I just have a very small portion

Some of the things we eat are:

Pork chops and veggies

Chicken and veggies

American Chop Suey

Fish (salmon or cod) with veggies

Chili

Soups

You get the idea ...usual family dinner food.  I usually grill my meats all year around.  I steam my veggies.  

Snacks: 3X a day mid-morning, mid-afternoon and before bed

I ALWAYS have a HIGH packed protein shake as my snack before sleeping for any length of time (longer than four hours) 

Protein shake

Protein bar

Peanut butter crackers

Belvita crackers

Banana

I am not as diligent as I would like to be about my water intake.  And I do drink coffee with cream and sugar.  I have about 12oz of coffee a day ...full caffeine not decaf... I mean, damn what's the point of that.  I also do not deny myself anything.  I apparently have a very "un-fussy" pouch.  I know some will think this is a slippery slope indeed and I am not going to get into whether it is or it isn't.  This is what works for ME.  Everyone is different.  Do what your nutritionist says.  Do what your doctor says.  Do what your pouch is telling you

I am fortunate enough where as soon as something hits the inside of my mouth ... I know whether it is going to spell doom for me or not.  I have NOT dumped but have gotten terrible gas and upset belly for a half and hour or so.  A time or two spent some time in the bathroom having the poops.  Hey ... People do want to know these things!  Lol!  So when I eat something and I get that feeling ...guess what?  I stop eating it.  Tuna is a no-no.  Cereal is a no-no.  And a few other things here and there.

What I guess it comes down to is that we are all going to be different from this surgery and all our journeys are going to be different.  I have lost 120lbs since February of THIS year.  I now weigh what I did when I was 18 years old.  I am the smallest pant size I have ever, ever been.  I went from a size 24-24 to fitting into a sz. 10!  I am pretty much at a stand still as far as my weight is concerned at 158.  And I am happy with that.  I do NOT obsess over the scale or the number.  I go by how my clothes fit and how I feel and look.  Last year at this time I was 278.  I feel good.  I am sleeping better (no CPAP!), my diabetes is GONE!  This is all the proof I need to know whatever I am doing is working for ME.

As far as exercise ....ugh!  That's another story.  I feel like of course, I should be exercising and need to be exercising.  But I just don't.  I absolutely HATE it.  And I feel so much pressure from the weight loss community and society in general about this.  As if I don't go to the gym or get my ass out running every day I will not be successful on this journey.  I am an active person and always have been.  I just move faster now because I have less to lug around.  Do I think I need to exercise ...sure.  I am not as strong as I used to be.  That's the only thing that bothers me.  Do I think I need to spend all of my free time sweating my ass of in the gym to get stronger ...no.  No one is going to MAKE me do it.  I have to be ready to do it.  But I am sick of the pressure of people in general saying you HAVE to get out there and do it or long term success is not possible.

I just have to do what is right for me.  Right now I am doing it.  I am healthy and that is all that matters.

Thanks for stopping by and reading!  

Love and peace to you all!

-T

Why am I sticking my belly out here lol!  

A great recent before and after!

I was beautiful and active before ...I just wasn't as healthy as I am now!

I am still here....are you?

I did not forget about you, dear reader!  Lots of exciting things going on!  Just got back from my Thirty-One conference in GA!  ONE HUNDRED pounds lighter than last year!  Yes!  Lots to tell!  I promise to blog soon!  But in the meantime, here are some before and after of some conference pictures and a few of my fav!  The most awesome one was the expression on my pal, John's face when he saw me at conference!  He didn't even recognize me!  What a wonderful reaction he had!  Priceless!

Noooooo way! Yes way!

I love July!  As I said in my last post .... I like to celebrate all month.  July is my bday month and it just signifies summer to me.  I am a Thirty-One consultant (shameless plug here: www.mythirtyone.com/tward) and I have been to conference for two years.  The first year was great! It was in Ohio.  Last year they moved it to Atlanta GA.  Last year was tough.  I didn't let on to anyone at all how uncomfortable I was.  I literally was at my largest last summer.  I had a hard time on the plane, a hard time on the busses and generally just uncomfortable everywhere.  So I was looking back at my pictures from those two years.  Even though I was uncomfortable I still felt pretty and of course have my crazy sparkling personality.
Looking at those pictures.... And ESP putting the, side by side ... I feel embarrassed.  I actually don't want to feel this way but I do.  What happened?  Where did I lose my health?  Why didn't I see how my body was changing?  I can blame it on all kinds of things.  But I won't.  I won't blame it on being lazy cause I wasn't.  I dunno what happened.
I showed the kids a picture of me from JUST last year and they were like "Noooooo way!" That's not you!  Oh way baby ... It WAS me.  I spent all of my twenties and almost all of my thirties ... NOT what I wanted to be.
Don't get me wrong ... I am an awesome wife, a damn good mom and a hard worker.  I am always on the go and I am SO proud of what the huz and I have created together. But physically ...
In my head ... I always looked like I do now.  (Maybe 25lbs less). When I saw myself in my dreams I looked exactly like I do now.  Maybe I really thought I looked that way?  I dunno?
The way I am now physically is the smallest my children has ever seen me.  Why don't they remember the way I looked last year 100+ lbs heavier?  Should I take it as a compliment that people never really SAW my size.  Can I flatter myself and think that my awesome personality made them overlook that?  Hmmmmm?  I maybe think too much.  The weird thing now is when I look at myself in the mirror the image I see is not the image in my head.  I still feel like the big girl I was last year!  When did that whole thing reverse?  Anyway here are some recent pics of me.  First the comparison picture and then a cute one of me the other morning.  My face has NEVER been this thin ... Not even in high school.  It's just weird!

Grrrr....

I have been feeling cranky for the past few hours.
I want something nice and sweet.  I didn't want to post on the WLS group pages because to be honest I don't want to hear how I should go have a glass of water, a suggestion on how to make something for myself that SEEMS like a treat, go do seventy sit ups or reward myself with something non food related.
I just want some good old fashioned ice cream!
I usually get fudgicles but have been out the past few days,  maybe this is why I am cranky cause I usually have one a day.
But still, part of me just wants some FN yummy ice cream.  I have not really tried legit ice cream since surgery.
I don't want ice cream or something sweet cause I am sad, depressed, happy, bored or whatever.  I just MISS the taste of something sweet and yummy.
I want it because I want it.
Because ice cream has always been a favorite food of mine and I like the texture in my mouth.  And its summer and what's better than ice cream in summer.
But part of me also mourns the fact that even if I do eat it ... It is not the same.  Maybe it never will be and that kind of makes me sad.  Like I said in my last post ... Most of the time eating is really not too enjoyable any more.  I get stressed sometimes always wondering if something I eat will cause me to be ill.  Hardly ever do I eat something and it sits really well ...normal... In my stomach.
And like I said ...NO REGRETS HERE ...just a wee little sadness that things may never get back to the point where I feel like I can eat normally.
Tomorrow I am going shopping for some fudgicles!  I hear they are on sale this week!
Peace and love,
-t

What do my wondering eyes do appear ....

I am a bad blogger!  Bad girl! *slaps own hand*
Summer is my absolute favorite season!  July is my favorite month!  It is my birthday month and I like to celebrate all month!  Lol!  My daughters bday is this month too!  My sons Bday is in August so I love August too!  I love everything about summer.  I love the warm sun on my body, working in the gardens, growing some veggies, watching the bees do their thing, swimming in the pool and lighting a nice fire on the nights when they are cool!  I love the smells of summer.  Iced tea, iced coffee, freshly mowed grass, chlorine and sparkling water from the pool!  I am a summer baby through and through!  I am especially enjoying this summer with a new body and some really cool side effects from surgery!  On July 14th, the day after my bday, I will be five months post RNY.  After having surgery I realized losing all the weight ... I was freezing my damn ass off!!  Feb, March and April were rough.  I didn't start to thaw it until about May ...June"ish"!  Now, full throttle in July and amidst a nice little heat wave .... I AM IN MY GLORIES!  One of the lovely side effects (these are all my personal side effects ... Some experience them ..some don't)  turned into a blessing!  I am hardly ever hot!  The freezing I experienced in the beginning has also kept me surprisingly cool so far as well!  Also ... I hardly sweat anymore.  (I was such a sweater pre-op) since I don't sweat ....I don't smell.  Yea yea ...TMI...   But as a big girl I mean hey ... I had areas that just smelled.  I mean ...under my breasts, my belly the back of my knees when I was dripping sweat and ya know ...that area.  I have like NO MORE. Odor.  It is weird.  Real weird ....BUT PRETTY FRIGGIN AWESOME!  At first I thought it was a fluke thing ...but as the weeks went by and it got hotter and hotter ... Still ...no smells.  My pits don't smell!  Yay!  It is pretty amazing!  Not sure what has happened to my body chemistry but I will take it!  I am sure it has to do a LOT with eating lean and clean.  I would say that has a lot to do with it!  I am pretty proud how hard I have been working.  I think about everything I put in my body.  I examine it, scrutinize it and determine its real need.  Is it time to eat?  Am I eating because I am actually hungry?  I didn't really have a problem with bored eating.  But my food choices were not always the best.  I have said that I think about food now more then I EVER did before surgery.  I know that seems kinda backwards but now I don't just put random shit into my body.  I make sure what's gonna go in there is not only going to fuel my body but also give me what I need to be healthy.  I also don't do any artificial crap.  No margarine, no sugar substitute ...no fat free shit.  I do the raw natural sugar, real butter and real sour cream, crea, milk, dressings, etc.

But I gotta be brutally honest here cause it needs to be said.  I do NOT enjoy eating like I used to.  I still get excited to eat things, prepare them, love the smell, and the taste in my mouth but when it hits the belly ....it's not always good.  I would say eight out of ten times something hits my stomach ...it is uncomfortable.  Not in a painful way but not in a nice "aahhhhhh ...that yummy food just hit my belly and it feels good" kind of feeling I had pre-surgery.  I think this is what a lot of people are actually mourning after surgery.  There is no real enjoyment in eating for me anymore.  I can handle it though.  Sometimes it gets to me but more often than not I am fine with it.  I never deprive myself of anything.   Minus soda (or anything carbonated) I basically eat whatever I want ...whenever I want it.  The other day I wanted a dough boy.  I had a bite, tasted it in my mouth, chewed it and was satisfied with that.  I got the urge NOT to swallow it and spit the doughy goodness out.  This seems kinda gross but sometimes I find myself doing this.  I just wanted the actuall taste in my mouth ... But the thought of that gooey ball of dough in my wee pouch kinda grossed me out.  So I spit it out and surprisingly was content with having had that bite.

Sometimes I feel so blessed with having had this surgery. I have thought several times that this is the way my anatomy "should" have been cause it fits into my lifestyle more.  This is the way I truly feel comfortable eating and doing things.  I am on a nice schedule and I am loving it.

Part of me keeps waiting for something to happen.  Like it is too good to be true.  Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days but there are no regrets at all other than why I didn't do it sooner.

All the female issues I was having seemed to have worked themselves out as well.  I went in and had a D&C and the Endometrial Ablation.  Minimal issues with that as well.  Didn't even need to get the pain med script filled.  I am looking forward to the real possibility of being period-free.

It has been a pretty amazing journey so far and I am super happy!  I find myself smiling more, letting more things roll off my back and generally taking in more of the sights.

Dr. Roye said my bloodwork was AMAZING!  The scale continues to go down everyday but more importantly my body thanks me everyday by waking up everyday and feeling amazing.  A lot of. My chronic pain has gone away as well.  All the feet, ankle, lower back and pelvic pain is pretty non-existent now.  

The only thing I really have to work on now is the whole exercise regimen thing.  I FN hate exercising and going to the gym is just not happening.  I have to be honest with myself.  But I know I have to get motivated soon to get more actual finess in.  It is a work in progress.

Thanks for reading and be happy!

Peace and love!

~Tami

Just a quickie!

Just wanted to come on and post a pic of a special moment.  Last year I was at my highest weight ever in my life!  Even more then when I was 9months prego (174)

Last spring 2012 I weighed 278 ... A few days ago I weighed 178! 

I wanted a picture cause sometimes I cannot believe it!

I am a lazy blogger and promise to write a very long blog soon about what's been going on in my nutty world!

For now ... Here's the big moment caught on camera!

Wretched wreck! **warning ...lots of girl talk!-**

So I am here at work ... Watching Golden Girls.
This morning at 8:45 I go and find out what the deal is with this whole female issue I have been having.  I started losing weight last year after I knew I was approved for surgery.  I lost about 25lbs before surgery.  I started having issues with my period during that time.  I had been bleeding about twice a month.  One of the times was for like 10 days straight, heavy bleeding.  I was worried that I would have my period on the day of surgery but the day before my bleeding stopped.  About a week after surgery it resumed and has been basically been going ever since.  I have had maybe a handful of times here and there with no bleeding.  What a downer!  So last month ... Enough was enough and I made an appointment with my midwife.  She said we would do a pap, HPV and some other test thingy that tested for bacteria and stuff.  The pap came back abnormal but the HPV was negative and the other one was negative.  But that was now two years in a row that the pap came back abnormal.  She said my cervix was EXTREMELY sensitive and started bleeding just by touching it with the swab.  She asked if I was in any pain.  I told her I was not.  And I really wasn't.  She was suspicious of polyps or fibroids and told me to go for a pelvic ultrasound and got me right in then and there.  They saw something in there they didn't like and I was to come back for a more involved test called a

Hysterosonography- During hysterosonography (his-tur-o-suh-NOG-ruh-fee), your doctor uses a thin, flexible tube (catheter) to inject salt water (saline) into the hollow part of your uterus. Using an ultrasound probe, your doctor obtains images of the inside of your uterus and checks for any irregularities.

Yay!  Sounds fun huh?

Then they use a

Hysteroscopy-During hysteroscopy, your doctor uses a thin, lighted instrument (hysteroscope) to view the inside of your uterus.

Come to find out it was/is a polyp about the size of a marble (the big one).

So while there, already uncomfortable, she is like "hey... Lets take a little snippet of the little annoyance ... You up for that?"  I was like whatever ...

W. T. F!! 

So she went ahead and did ...

Curettage. During curettage, your doctor uses a long metal instrument with a loop on the end to scrape the inside walls of your uterus. This may be done to collect a specimen for lab testing or to remove a polyp. Your doctor may perform curettage with the assistance of a hysteroscope, which lets your doctor view the inside of your uterus before and after the procedure.

I was like FN really?  I was extremely surprised at how much it hurt.  I am by no means a baby when it comes to pain but wow!  Tears were streaming down my face.  I think I was just shocked at the extreme pain of it so quickly.

It was nuts!

So now all week I have had all this crazy shit going through my head like what if its the "C" word?  I mean aren't we all afraid of that word?  Then she mentioned the "H" word.  I am not ready or willing to have another operation.  I cannot afford to be down and out at all or miss time out of work.  I have been so blessed and fortunate with the WLS that maybe that would be punching my luck!

I dunno... I guess I will have to just wait until tomorrow to see what the deal is and what my options are.  

I will keep you posted!

Peace and love

-T

You love me ... You really love me! Lol!

Apparently I have fans!  And they are wondering where I am and why I am not posting!  It feels good to be loved.  I have been in a big funk lately with some health issues that may or may not be related to the WLS.  I will find out more on Wed morning and then will come home and post away, I promise!  So keep checking and stay tuned!
And thanks for the love!

Farts .... Yep ... Farts

Air biscuit. Cutting the cheese. Letting it rip.  Silent but deadly.  Passing gas. Stepping on a duck. Butt trumpet. Anal acoustics. Drooped a bomb.  Toot.  Breaking wind.

Did you know that the word fart is one of the oldest words in the English vocabulary?

No one wants to talk about it ... Everyone does it.

News flash: if you are on a high protein diet, you will have lots of gas.
After gastric bypass, you WILL have lots of gas.

There are no ifs, ands or "butts" about it.
(See what I did there? Lol!)

An unpublicized side effect of gastric bypass surgery is excessive flatulence and the offensive odor that comes with it.  It is understandable why we have highly malodorous flatus. The surgery causes us to have malabsorptive syndrome.  Our systems don't absorb the food and nutrients as well anymore and when the undigested food gets down to the colon, the enzymes and bacteria go crazy digesting the food. One of the by-products of their digestion is gas (flatulence). Most post surgery patients are desperate for a solution to this side effect, which actually causes embarrassment and most of these individuals have been dealing with embarrassment for most of their lives. The majority of these patients will try over- the -counter medications, only to be disappointed to find out they're ineffective and very costly.

There are "internal" deodorizer pills called Devrom.  There are panty liners that attach to the outside of your underwear that "neutralizes" your farts as the air goes through it.

But really?

I tried the pills and they seemed to work but you had to take them three times a day and for quite a few days.  And they were not too cheap.  I am already taking like eight different pills and/or supplements a day who wants one more pill?

So what do I do?

I fart.

Seriously I am at the point that I don't give a shit.  It hurts to hold it in.  It took me like 12 years before I farted in from of my husband.  But really, why?  He farted in front of me since day one!
After surgery .... It literally is so painful if you hold it in. So I have learned to be clever!

I know what foods really bring on the gas and if I know that I am going to be say....shopping inside for the day...hmmmm...I stay away from those foods.  

Last Friday I went to NYC with my daughters 7th grade class.  I am not sure what I ate the day before but man!  I was suffering on the bus ride there!  Lots of pain, bloating, terrible gas!  I had to hold it in!  I mean, come on, I haven't gotten that free yet.  Although a teeny one slipped out and thank goodness it had no odor! 

I know you are laughing right now!

But seriously!  It hurt so bad!  So when we got off the bus ... I walked away a bit from the crowd and let them rip!  I IMMEDIATELY felt 100% better.  But the gas came back in waves throughout the day.  One time I excused myself the the bathroom and twisted my body to and fro and that helped release a ton of pressure.

Then we were walking around NYC and let me tell you ..... NYC STINKS!  I mean it is offensively smelly!  It is crowded, noisy and oh so smelly!  But it's pretty awesome too!  Wanna know why?  Cause you can fart as loud as you want, whenever you want and no body FN cares!  Cause no one hears it and certainly no one smells it!  So I was in my glory all the rest of my day farting away and feeling good!  

The bus ride home was much more comfortable.

I know you are laughing right now ....

The point is this.  What's so wrong about farting?  Really?  I mean I am not saying I am going to go out and start dropping bombs everywhere but in my house, yard or as with NYC ... Where no one notices ... Who cares?  Lol!  It is as natural as burping!  And us post-op gastric bypass patients, it is absolutely MORE a part of our lives and it just HURTS to hold it in.  And if one slips out and someone hears or smells it, screw them!  Don't walk so damn close to me.  You don't know my journey ... Don't judge me!  Lol!

It is what it is folks. 

Just do it.

Cause I am celebrating me and I will be damned if I am gonna sit in pain.

Flatulenlty yours,

-T

Down the rabbit hole....

Tami in ONE-derland!

• "down the rabbit hole", a metaphor for adventure into the unknown

That's where I am headed ... Into the unknown.

It has been 20 years since I have been in the 100's on a scale!  Say what?

I am wearing a pant size that I last wore in high school ... In 1992!  Say 

what again?

Yes ... It's hard to fathom really.  When did it all go wrong?  

I looked at a photo from high school the other day and my face is slowly starting to resemble that picture.  I never felt pretty then.  And never really felt pretty.  But looking back, I was pretty damn it. I wish I had taken pride in myself.  I was lucky to find the man who loves me unconditionally.  We have been together for 21 years and married for 17 of them.  He has always made me feel pretty.  Last spring I was topping at about 120 pounds more than when he first met me.  And he still loved me and never once said anything about my weight.  

It's amazing that this time last spring I was 80lbs heavier.  I went for the first ride of the season on the motorcycle last weekend.  It was nice hopping on the back and not feeling like the bike was working hard!  Lol!  I had lots of room between my belly and Tony's back.  I didn't feel like everyone was looking at me like I didn't belong on the back because I was too big.  It was amazing and felt good.

Everything from this point on feels new. Like an adventure ... Down the rabbit hole.  Into the unknown I go!  I just grew out of my size 18pants and the 16s are fitting just fine.  After the 16s I will be out of the clothes given to me by my friend.  I now only have 48 lbs to lose to get to my goal weight.  I am not sure how easy they will go.  I know things start to slow down at some point.  How small will I get?  If I get smaller than a size 14 I will completely be in uncharted territory because I cannot ever, ever remember being smaller than that at any point in my adulthood.  I think that may blow my mind if I hit a 12, 10 or below.  That would just be nuts! I cannot imagine even putting my bones in that size!  But I have seen pictures of people who were similar in size and weight get that small and it is amazing and apparently able to be achieved.  I am excited to see what happens and continue to be excited about being healthy and learning what I can do with this tool I have been blessed with.  

Sometimes when I walk by a mirror I have to stop and wonder who that chick is staring back at me.  

I still see myself one way and the mirror shows me something else.  I have had some people tell me recently how my face looks so different like a totally different person.  I don't want people to think I am different though.  I am still the same whackadoodle I always was!  Lol!  

That's why I started this blog.  I want to be able to read my journey and write down the things I am feeling and the experiences I am having throughout this whole journey.

On Friday I am traveling to NYC with my daughters 7th grade class.  I am not nervous about fitting comfortably on the bus.  I am not worried about all the walking we are going to be doing.  I am not concerned about her friends thinking I am a fat mom.  I am not going to shy from taking pictures of me and my daughter on the trip!  I am so excited and happy to be experiencing this with her and last year I am not sure I would have been.

So here's to going down the rabbit hole ... And taking you along with me!

See you there!

Peace

-T

Feeling good!

The past few days various people have finally started noticing my weight loss!
I feel good!  Today my tummy is a wee bit cranky so I have been on mostly liquids all day.
But it is not bothering me.
But I was out in the sun, on a blanket, reading.
That was awesome!
My size 18pants are getting baggy on me and I am fitting in a few of the 16s.
I am amazed!
Yesterday the DH said I looked slim in a shirt I had on!  (Which I could barely squeeze into last year!)
YES!
I am posting my new favorite picture from this weekend.
I think we look awesome ....ok ...especially ME!  Lol!

And one of me kissing my boy! My face looks so much thinner!

Changes and surprises ... Keeping you in the know

Well I am eight weeks out.  I am going to share with you some things that I have noticed this far out.

* If I stand up and look down and squeeze my belly in, I can see my toes!
* I can paint my toes without cramping up my diaphragm
* I can wrap an average sized bath towel around my whole body after a shower
* I can reach back and scratch the MIDDLE of my own back!
* I can jog almost 1/3 of a mile without stopping or wanting/having to stop
* I can cross my legs comfortably without having to hold my leg there
* I can put both arms on the middle of my back and crack it!
* I actually skipped up the stairs the other day
* I don't avoid bending down to pick things up off the floor
* Back pain has been at a minimum
* Pelvic pain is almost non existent
* I can sit with my knee/s almost up to my chest
* I have packed up bags and bags of clothes that no longer fit me
* I have a ton of energy
* I am finding that I do no need my CPAP as much.  I still use it for most of my sleep but I can nap without it and feel refreshed.  But for long term sleeping I still always use it
* The awful gas has subsided and I am on a great high protein intake schedule with food and drink (plus I have a great schedule down for all my vitamins and supplements, scripts as well)
*Feeling more motivated to be out and about ... and when YOU are out and about ... you will need lots of new gym bags and travel bags cause you are gonna wanna GO GO GO!  SO check out my website! 
www.mythirtyone.com/tward  SPRING FLING going on NOW!  Ends April 29th!  So if you see something you like there ... order it under Spring Fling under "my parties"  I will deliver if you are local, RI!
**Shameless advertising, SOrry!** LOL!!

Some things not as pleasant
* Noticing LOTS of sagging skin and not just in the places I thought.  In places I didn't really consider myself really "fat" before.  For instance, my arms and inner thighs.
* Kinda noticing a "chicken neck" saggy thing going on where my double chin was but I know that will tighten up
* My poop is just not the same (TMI BUT HEY I am being real here) since surgery
* My periods are SO heavy since surgery like the worst ever!  (Again, TMI probably but again ... Keeping it real and trying to inform!) I see the OBGYN today!
**Update:  I have to go for a pelvic ultrasound to see why I have been having such heavy periods.  She suspects maybe polyps?  I will keep you updated!
* My hair has started falling out a bit, not clumps like some have experienced, but definitely lots in the shower and after drying and styling my hair
*DRY SKIN ... like dry like the Sahara!  BUT I have found Avon's Thermalift facial cream and the ANEW under eye cream to work wonders!  If you do not have an Avon girl, contact mine!  Here is her information! 
http://amandawhiting.avonrepresentative.com/

Here are some things I didn't expect

I have to be honest with you, I didn't expect the extra money that would come with the surgery.  First, just because the surgery is covered by your insurance does not mean it is free.  Check with your insurance company about your deductible.  So you don't have a nervous breakdown like I almost did with a call three days before saying that you will owe $845 ... I was thinking BEFORE they would do the surgery.  Turns out they will bill you, but still!  So I have THAT bill.  And I was like okay whatever.  But then after surgery I got another bill from the two anesthesiologists.  THAT bill is about $950.  So I am in for almost $2000 that I will have to pay out of pocket.  I am sure I can go on a payment plan but still .... Unexpected.  Then there's the protein powders.  If you find one you like you are gonna want it.  The one I LOVE is kinda pricey.  Then there's the prescriptions for the first six months (for acid reflux and gall stone prevention one).  Then there's the multivitamin (you can't cheap out on these ya gotta be sure you are getting all you need), the calcium chews/tabs, the B12 tabs.  Then there's the new clothes you are gonna need if you are not blessed as I was to have a good friend give you a bunch. Cause when you are losing weight and feelings good, who the hell wants to hang around in frumpy clothes?  Savers had been a LIFE saver as well as my good friend, Nancy!  Thank heavens!  She gave me SO many awesome clothes!  She lost weight on Weight Watchers and is looking and doing fabulous!  Thanks girl!

Soon I will need to do some underwear and bra shopping.  PLUS I will need a new bathing suit for summer!  Oh boy!

So all these little things add up.  Just an FYI.  
Keeping you informed! 
Peace!
Here is a picture of me recently!
Not the greatest ... the wind was whipping my hair back and forth! LOL!
The pants are an 18 and shirt an 18/20!  Not been that size for QUITE some time!
Not too shabby for eight weeks out!

The ugly

I wrote this below a few nights ago ... I wasn't going to post it.  It was sitting there as a draft.  Ya know what?  I am posting it.  I feel much better then when I wrote this and I think it's important to share as others may be feeling this way and maybe it will make them feel not so alone.  I promised to always be honest.  So, dear readers, I am in a better place today.  Carry on
-T


I feel frustrated tonight.  Well the past day or so really.  I feel like cognitively I have not grasped the concept of the finality of what goes on inside my body.  I will NEVER be able to eat like I used to.  Ever.  My insides will always be different than most.  My stomach sliced, intestines re-routed.  Every time I eat, I think about it.  Will this be ok?  Will I get sick?  Why are my insides making that awful sound?  Why am I so gassy?  How much protein did I have today?  Did I take all my vitamins/meds? Did I drink enough water?
I feel worn out and tired of thinking about it.  Fucking exhausted actually.  I think now more about food and what goes into my body then I ever have!  I am sick of it.

I feel like when I see all the stories of people going from a size whatever to a super small size I cannot even fathom my bones alone fitting into that size.  But I have seen pictures!  Of women who were BIGGER than me to start and they are in a size 4 pants!  Say what!?  I am not sure if you stripped all the fat and skin off my bones that my pelvis alone would fit into a 4 pants!  As an adult I have never been smaller than a size 14.   How will I get there?  How long will it take?  Is it even possible?!

I am not patient.  I am bitchy today and I am roaring.  Lots of stuff in my head.  No regrets ...just a LOT of frustration!

Six weeks out!

Soooooo it's been six weeks since surgery.  I am down a total of 35 lbs.  In a month since my last appointment I lost 15lbs.  The surgeon was happy with this.  I was not.  I am still losing consistently 2-4 lbs per week.  I know this is a nice healthy way to lose but I am still wishing it to come off faster. Oh we'll, patience was never one of my better traits. 

The surgeon gave me the okay to start a more strenuous work out.  I an going to start some resistance work outs.  And lifting small weights. 

I talked about how I have been depressed and have had some mini panic attacks.  I asked if I could go back on my psyche meds.  He said I could try but not sure how effective the Welbutrin XL will be.  Because of the bypass, the extended release meds may or may not work.  But my Celexa should work.  I don't really WANT to be on the meds but I know I am better with them.  I have anxious thoughts and the meds help with these.  So I have taken them almost a week now and it's too soon to tell.  I have an appointment with my PCP in June and I will definitely know by then if they are working.

So below are some pictures.  I have been looking back on some older pictures and realized that I had gotten pretty big.  Everyone says I carried my weight well.  I saw someone today that I have not seen all winter.  He didn't say anything about me looking differently.  ( I mean men don't usually say things like that but still) I was surprised.  I think I look different.  Even before surgery I had lost about 20ish lbs.  So the last time this person saw me was like 50 something lbs ago.  I dunno.... I cannot wait for the moment when someone sees me, that hasn't seen me in awhile, or may/may not know about the surgery notices how different I look.
I wonder when the time will come when I don't "feel" like a fat girl.  When I am walking around and I feel different.  I wonder if I will always look at myself as a plus sized girl even when I am not? 

Six week photo
From now on I am going to try to wear a cami and some black pants for every picture.

 

What I want this blog to be

I want this blog to be awesome!  Lol!
I mean, who doesn't love awesomeness?!
But I want this blog to be something that inspires people.  Or at the very least entertains people to want to come back and see more or just come back out of curiosity to read my craziness?  I act like I don't like people LOL!  But I really do love people!  I love meeting people, talking with people and listening to people.  I like being social most of the time.  People say that I am funny and fun to be around.  I like to make people laugh.

I am inspired by this blog:  http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/

I think she is amazing.  
She has SO much to show/offer the WLS community and if you have not heard of her
or seen her  you need to check it out. She has been keeping her blog since she started her weight loss journey back in 2006 so it is nice to read about the things she has been through. She has magnificent recipes! I am STILL amazed she has not published a cookbook yet! She totally needs too! Cause I know I would buy it! I would like to have all her recipes in one place. She is an inspiration! I find LOTS of useful things on her site and go on almost every day! I have not figured out how to use this blogger to my advantage as much as she has but I have only just begun. She has giveaways and fun things.

I would love to have these things here as well. Maybe in the future I can also put some of my own recipes and fun things. I am finding that I have been creative with food and finding new healthy ways to prepare things. I want my blog to be fun and inspirational too!

I don't want or need this blog to always be about my personal journey with weight loss surgery. Hey, this blog is here for me too and sometimes I need to just sit down and bitch. Sometimes a good bitch fest feels good AND makes others feel like they are not alone!

So stay tuned dear readers and check back in often! Big things are on the horizon!! This Friday I go see the surgeon and hoping he is happy with my progress and gives me clearance to start lifting weights and for some more intense strength training. Wish me luck!

Peace

-T

Perception of beauty

What is YOUR perception of beauty?  Is it what's visible or not visible?  Is it long luxurious hair or how someone makes you feel when you are around them?  When people think of beauty it usually is society's idea of beauty whether we like to think of it or not we have been been brain washed all our lives what is considered beautiful.

Looking up pictures of women from the 17th and 18th century you will see women who were healthy, plump doing real life things like nursing their children and tending to their homes and families.  As time went on our waists became smaller, our faces became thinner and seemingly faded more away from our families.  If you were fuller in figure back in those times, chances are you were well off as only those who could afford food!  So basically your full shape showed your social status.

What has changed that it seems like we, as women, have become so disconnected from our bodies?  Oh man, I could go on about this but I don't want to get all my women's lib friends' panties in a bunch!  But what I am saying is it is time for us to be one with our bodies.  No matter what your size... Love it!  If you are healthy ... Big or small, short or tall, plus size or pint size ... Love it!

I loved myself before surgery.  I really, truly did.  There were times I wished I was thinner but ya know what? Why?  Why did I wish that?  Because that's what we are taught to think we should be thinking.  Society does not like fatness.  Fatness represents laziness and sloth.  Gluttony and greediness.  This may seem harsh but it is true.  But since surgery I have really been looking around.  Like "really, really" looking around and ya know what... There are not many people who fit into that little box of fitness or ideal image around.  So why do we think anyone is better than anyone else?

I don't know.

My daughter is not a small girl. Her pediatrician nicely put it like this. "Over the next year we will want to keep your weight steady so the height can catch up.  So lets focus on eating healthy, drinking lots of water and exercising". Basically she is saying right now my daughter is wider than she is tall so according to "the chart" (that God damn dreaded chart) .... She is fat.  Now my kid is no fool... She understood what the ped was saying.  She came out of the office kinda sad.  And then finally after a few silent moments in the car ride she blurted out, "Did she basically call me fat?"  Trying to keep a straight face, cause she was so serious when she said it, I said no.  She was saying that "the chart" was saying that she needed to allow her body time to catch up height wise .... YEA OK ... She was saying you are fat.  Or over weight for your age and height.  She knows her mom struggles with weight.  She didn't know me when I was 164lbs like her dad did.  She hasn't even seen me this thin.  My son mentioned how thin my arms looked!  Lol! So she was kinda somber for the rest of that day and I was kinda pissed that she had to face a sudden harsh reality of it all.

But I want my daughter to know that she IS beautiful the way she is.  She knows she is not as thin as mostly all of her friends ( I mean don't these teenage girls eat for Pete's sake?) my daughter eats pretty well.  I have been changing the eating haits of the family for awhile now but even when I was at my personal biggest, my kids never really saw me eat the really bad things.  I always had healthy choices for them.  I am not worried about my son ... He is like 2% body fat!  We have NO idea where the hell he came from.  He did not have that chubby stage.  He just skipped over it.  He is tall and keeps getting taller and he is lean ... Like really lean.  And the sucky thing is he eats like a jerk!  Lol! We all just don't get it.  I know my daughter will be tall.  I am not to worried but she is not a physical person.  We both know this.  She would rather sit and read, color, write stories and do other sit still activities than hop on a bike, go for a walk or move her body.  So we are working on this.  We are also working on boredom eating because we both know this is an area that is hard for her.  And portion control.  I want her to recognize where her issues are before they become a problem.  She knows them, recognizes them and wants to better herself.  Not for society, not to fit in with her friends but because SHE wants to be healthy and happy.  She knows she may never be thin, per se, but she wants to be happy. And being thin isn't always equal to happiness.

I don't want her to think surgery is an option for her because realistically it should only be an option if all other options have failed. I didn't go through my life thinking hey, ya know what, let me just eat and eat whatever I want because I have surgery as an option. I did what I thought was right for me at the time. I didn't think about food really as good or bad. I ate when I was hungry. Did I make good choices, obviously not often but I didn't eat like a fool if I go back and analyze my eating habits. And when I started getting larger over time, I thought it was just a natural progression of having babies, nourishing them in womb and feeding them outside the womb (nursing my daughter for 12 months). Then picking off their plates cause damn you can't waste that food. It was not like I was feeding them bad food! And time goes on, we get stuck in a rut and well shit happens!

I want my children, especially my daughter, to be mindful of food. I want her to realize while she does NOT have to fit into society's often unrealistic version of what a healthy woman should look like, she should be careful because she has a predisposition to be obese. It's just a genetic fact. I want her to nourish her body. I want to teach her moderation and balance. And I want to lead by example that while I didn't learn these habits and lessons early enough, I want her to.

Because that's what moms do.

She is beautiful and so am I ... Before AND after surgery.

And even though over time our perception of beauty has changed ... It is not my job to make it better. I am not here to fight society's version of what I should look like, feel like or act like. I am here for my husband and my children. I am here for myself. To be happy and healthy in the skin I am in.

Cause it's just a space suit anyway until we get to something else.

Xoxo

~T

First official holiday after surgery

So yesterday was Easter Sunday.  Easter is not a big of a holiday as say, like Thanksgiving or Christmas as far as an eating holiday.  But it has yummy chocolate!  More than the other holidays.  I did not eat one stinking Cadbury mini egg!  Believe it!  I so wanted to but know they are a weakness of mine so I didn't even buy any ... Not even for the kids.

So we go to dinner every year to my dad's.  my step-mom makes yummy pickled hard boiled colored eggs and I had one of those.  I also had a salad, first one since surgery.  Then at dinner, I passed on the rolls, but took ham, asparagus, white and sweet potatoes.  Just a tablespoon of each.  My plate looked full and I wondered, gee, could I eat all that?  The answer, yes, just about all of it.  I felt full, not too full.  Comfortable.  Did I want to eat more, yes ... Did I? No.  Did I feel like I ate too much?  No.

But I was kinda scared because I almost felt like I SHOULD have been sick.  Like I SHOULD have not been able to eat that much just under six weeks out from surgery.  I still stuck to the rule of not drinking before, during or half an hour after food.  This continues to be very hard for me as I always feel thirsty.

I want to be successful on this journey.  I want to be healthy and feel and look good.  I hear and read about others NO WAY being able to eat the things I can right now.  Some still have pain this soon out.  Some can barely keep their protein shakes down.  They are losing faster than me but I am losing at a steady and satisfactory pace according to my surgeon.  Should I be happy?

Of course I am happy but part of me wonders why I seem so different. I have had NO issues with ANYTHING I have eaten.  I have had normal "movements".   I can take all my pills, vitamins and supplements and shakes with no problem.  I always make sure I get in my 60-80 protein in a day.  My water consumption is still a bit lacking but I am working on it.

I was not as happy with my Easter pictures as I wanted to be.  This kinda made me sad.  I want the weight to melt off... Slide off!  I want it to go!  I am impatient!  I see all these pictures of people who look so different after losing 100 or more pounds.  I have 75 more to go.  I want to be there.

I am such a whiner, I know.  In just under six weeks I have come so far!  I am seeing a number on the scale I have not seen in years and years and I am in pants that I have not fit into since high school!

Stop bitching, right?  Well I am emotional as well and I think this is normal.  Just putting it here maybe will let someone else feel like they are not alone.

I just want to use my tool properly because that's what it is ... A tool.  And like any tool, it can be misused!

I don't want to be one of "those" stories.

I want to be a success story.

Late nights o' pondering....

Okay so I have to admit.  Other than having to actually stay awake all night, which usually is not that bad, this job is a pretty good gig!  I just got offered a permenant position of 28 hours and a full pay raise. This means I am no longer getting a "sub" pay.  I am a permenant staff now so I make the big bucks!  Ptthhh!  Not really!  But it did go up a dollar and twenty-five cents more than sub pay.  I don't have to worry about getting hours anymore either.  I am garunteed 28 hours and have the option to pick up more.

I get to sit around, watch TV, blog, play on my iPad!  Not a bad gig.

I do have responsibilities being the low guy on the totem pole.  I work with a young guy who has been here for 3-4 years on this shift.  Surprisingly he has worked this shift alone for all these years.  State regulations have recently changed and they require two people to work overnight.  Some people are upset about it but he has another job that is similar and he said he has always worked with another person on that job and surprised himself it has taken them this long to put another person on shift with him.  So because he has been here longer, he basically "rests" all night!  Lol! I do all the cleaning and stuff.  But I leave at 6AM and he stays until 9AM.  So he does all the documentation and passes all the mess in the morning with the morning staff.  I think it's a fine trade.  I don't mind it.  I don't have much interaction with the guys unless they wake at night and occasionally they do and then, believe me, it makes up for the quiet times of dullness.  They can be a handful.  There are five men in this house, all with varying disabilities.  Emptying urinals and talking down clients so they don't get aggressive is nothing to laugh at.  But we don't have too much of that.  I guess I bring a sense of calmness to the house as my fellow worker says the house is very calm and the men sleep well on the nights I am here.  On the other nights I am not here for some reason there are often problems.  I am not sure why.  And it literally is a home.  Like a regular house like yours and mine.
There are four bedrooms.  Two of the men share a room.  They are the two highest maintenance fellas.  So there is all the comforts of home.  Even have a Keurig here!  Yes!  Lol!

It was the perfect job to go back to after surgery.  I literally can do anything here.  I bring my own food from home but if I wanted to make myself a scrambled egg, I could.  It was easy transitioning back to work here.  I don't have to help any of the guys physically so there was no lifting.  I didn't mop or clean to much the first few weeks back but now I am back in full swing of things.  In the beginning when you get home from the surgery you get so worked up about what to eat, when to eat, what vitamins and supplements you have to take... It can all seems so overwhelming.  Being at work but still in a "home" environment worked out well.  I was only out for two weeks.  And since I was not permanent staff at the time I went out for surgery, I could not collect TDI ( temporary disability for all you non-RI followers) so missing only two weeks pay was not too hard on the bank account.

I feel like I am not where I am supposed to be though.  I mean I don't want to sound ungrateful ... Aw who cares... It's my blog and I can complain and whine and bitch if I want to!  But I went to school and worked hard.  I graduated with high honors, Phi Theta Kappa and Psi Beta!  That shit is no joke!
My children watched me walk the stage, one proud mamma, showing them that it CAN be done!

After I graduated, my entrance into the career world got put on hold. Things got hectic in my life.

So now it has been seven years! Wtf! Like where the hell did all that time go! I am thinking of going back to school. Can I do this shift AND go to school? I am not a young chick anymore! At this time I feel I do HAVE to work to supplement my family's income. Can we live without it? Sure ... But it would be tight ... Like super crazy tight.

But to make more money, I have to get to school. So then I have to get the money from somewhere. Loans ...ugh! ...more loans! I applied for Federal Aid so I guess we will see but the huz mad a damn good income last year so I am not too hopeful.

So all this shit runs through my head at night while I am here at work. It's like a TV that cannot be turned off!