The Big Break

SO I decided to take a big break from Facebook.
And I kinda liked it.
Really ... I realized I was spending WAY too much time "liking" shit and looking at everything on Facebook.  Like A LOT of time.  So I decided to take a break.
I like sharing things.  I like looking at things people share.
But I also found myself getting sucked into drama, getting mad about things I shouldn't even care about and generally just spending too much time and energy on nonsense on there.
Besides ... who really gives a shit about me anyway?
Well then ... out to lunch with the BFF and the youngest spawn and they decided to #bringtamiback ... okay now THAT was funny.  I did check in every so often and see people's celebrations of their holidays and stuff.  That was nice .. but I would look at the ones I cared about and moved on.
I said I would be back after the first of the year and I will but really ... I have important things to do OTHER than Facebook.  I have a house to organize (one of my HUGE goals for 2015) and school to finish.  I have two teenagers that need more work than when they did as toddlers ... (sorry folks of toddlers ... it just gets harder!)  NOW is the time they are realizing they are PEOPLE and INDIVIDUALS and discovering who they are and that is scary and hard and they need their mom.
Just wiping their asses, feeding them and teaching them to talk and walk and manners ...well THAT was the EASY part.  Helping and guiding them to become actual productive, tolerant, respectful, well adjusted human beings to go out into the real world ... THAT is hard.

UGH! School.  I am in the final stretch and I have to say I am pretty fucking nervous.  One more semester and I will have a BACHELORS in PSYCHOLOGY!  WHAAAAAT? I just cannot believe it sometimes.  It kinda blows my mind.
The way it worked out (because my adviser at the beginning of this RIC and finishing up my Bachelors expedition ill advised me) I will be able to walk in May but will still have to take two more classes (to be taken as summer courses) and then will "officially" get my degree in August.  But shit ... walking in May ... I consider THAT a HUGE deal.
During the "break" I had a great time but also some low times.

Highlights:
Finished the semester with THREE Bs.  MOST proud of my B in statistics and the professor telling me personally how proud she was of me
Traveled to Buffalo to see my baby cuz and clan and surprised her by bringing my other cuz (her sister) and her son to surprise her
Being able to get my kids the gifts they wanted without the worry of money
Resting and relaxing AT HOME with just the hubby and the kids for the first time EVER on Christmas Day!
Only gaining two pounds! LOL so far over vacation and holidays
Giving a homeless guy in Boston our leftovers from dinner! and Hunter saying as we walked away "Mom ... that was pretty awesome what you did right there"

Downlights:
Struggling with some major SAD
Realizing that my depression meds are NOT working to their full potential (due to gastric bypass or just general "they are just not working anymore" issues)
Kid stuff (mostly the youngest ... its tough being a teenage girl ... I know)
Realizing that I will have to actually put my degree to WORK and go out into the big bad world which brings its own HUGE amount of stress and anxiety (did I mention my meds do not work as effectively any more? LOL)

But when I look back at the last three years.  The major motorcycle accident, the gastric bypass surgery and the major back surgery this last March ... I have come a long way.
I am proud of what I have accomplished as a mom, a wife, a friend, an all around strong woman and hope to better myself in the next year.
I feel I have matured IMMENSELY on quite a few levels in the past three years, either due to life's events or age or whatever but I know I can DO better and look forward to growing as a person!

I hope you ALL are safe tonight and I cherish you all!
Peace be with you and your family.
Love,
T

Christmas Day 2014

This Christmas was the first Christmas I have spent the whole entire Christmas Day in my own home with my husband and kids, having made my own Christmas dinner and relaxed and enjoyed my nuclear family in 23 years.  I thought that was pretty special. Twenty-three years ...wow. 

And the picture below is my dream Christmas one day. An old farm style country home Christmas.  

Stay tuned.  We have a plan! 

Merry Christmas and may all that you hold dear be cherished. New year ahead.  2015 ... Lots going on! 

I cannot wait!

The Art and Importance of a Selfie

In a relatively short time, selfies have become our culture's collective visual diary. Currently, the hashtag #selfie yields more than 31 million hits on Instagram, and the Oxford Dictionaries selected selfie as the Word of the Year for 2013. Even President Barack Obama was photographed last week taking a selfie at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. Clearly, we're in the midst of a self-portrait renaissance.

We all know what a selfie is and how to do it.  And those of you who do not.... Come on people ...crawl out of your hole and start snapping!

Selfies in the bathroom, kitchen, on the farm, on a roller coaster, in the mirror .... Posing, flirting, crying, smiling ....
We have seen them all. 
And they annoy the SHIT OUT OF SOME PEOPLE. but I want to know why?
I love a good selfie.  And I will not and do not take selfies only when I look cute.  I do it when I want to. Sleepy selfies, morning breath selfies, sleeping and lounging with the dog selfies and bad morning hair selfies!
I like to see in form how I am feeling, how I look making funny faces, how the goofball dog turns away when I am trying to kiss her face while taking a selfie.  It's just plain fun.

Hey ya know what ...there's a button on Facebook and it's called "unfollow" where you don't HAVE TO SEE MY MUG first thing in the morning if you don't want to.  I will not be offended ...in fact ...here's the kicker ... I won't even know! It's different than "unfriend". Once you unfollow someone 
They no longer come up in your feed every freaking time they post something.  So now you have to 
actually actively go to their page to see what the hell they are up to and how many freaking selfies they took today if you wanted too.

But here's the thing because I am a Psychology student and well my brain works like this! Why DO people get so worked up and sometimes even like pissed at people who post selfies? Are YOU that 
unhappy/jealous/envious/insecure that you cannot see someone having fun at taking pictures of themselves? 
Why do people think it's selfish or narcissistic? 
Someone cannot enjoy looking at themselves?
Scientists and psychologist are actually exploring the effect these selfies have on us.  
Are they good or bad?


I mean anything can be good or bad for us.
Some think it's turning us into a nation of narcissists, but psychologists say that in moderation, selfies are a feel-good and often creative way, particularly for teens, to chronicle their lives and emotions and express their personalities. And people who post selfies assert that they can have an effect on their moods and self-esteem.

I feel creative and happy when I am photographing things and yes now that includes myself.  Believe me I WAS the queen of selfies before some of these kids were a thought in their parents bedroom! I KNOW if I develop the rolls and rolls of film from ages ago I have in a box in my closet upstairs ...LOTS of them would be of myself.
So what has changed?
Technology! I have am awesome camera at the tip of my fingers! This wee iPhone camera can take some pretty bad ass pictures! 
And everyone is in everyone's else business! 
AND now we can get instant gratification cause come on we ALL love THAT! 
Let's face it ....the selfies are here.  Embrace it people. Love yourself ...but not too much it IS a balance after all. 
And if "I" am loving myself too much for you ...yep ...there's that concept of that button on FB again ....freaking use it ....

NOW ....ITS TIME FOR A SELFIE! 

http://flipagram.com/f/Ir5mhKGiWR

Hunter ... Our little enigma!

Every Year I post this on my FB.  Some of you may not have seen it there but being April which is Autism Awareness Month ... I thought I would post it here on my blog as well.

Hunter ... our little enigma! :)

 

 

 
 
 

 

 

 

Today is Autism Awareness month and

I celebrate my son, Hunter, who has Asperger's Disorder. For those of you who know me well, know Hunter and what a beautiful boy he is inside and out. Some know how I struggle on a daily basis and others don't. It is hard seeing your child struggle with things daily that seem so trivial to most of us. Just starting and continuing a conversation with his peers is a battle he has to face daily. A battle you say? Yes ... a conversation may seem so easy for most of us. We banter back and forth but did you ever really think about how a conversation works. One has to either start it or answer to one that has started. You have to read cues in the other person's face, eyes, body to see what they are trying to communicate as well as listen and recognize the idiosyncratic of their voice and choice of words they use so you can respond appropriately. Then you have to counter speak in a way that is understandable to them and so on and so forth. Not so easy when you think of it that way. Now imagine you are in a box where everything is muffled and conversations and uses of metaphors, idioms and figures of speech come into play where you take everything literally. Hmmmm ... more complex then you though huh? And that is just one of the issues that makes having Asperger's so hard. And being a pre-teen boy on top of that. Well ...

For those of you who don't know, Asperger's Disorder is a developmental disorder that affects a child's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. Children with Asperger's syndrome typically exhibit social awkwardness and an all-absorbing interest in specific topics.
The obsessive routines. The preoccupation with one subject of interest (to the exclusion of most everything else). The problems they face understanding different social situations. The oversensitivity to sounds, tastes, smells and sights. Their feelings of being overwhelmed by even the smallest of changes…
The pressure I face daily are the inability to communicate with my child, the awkwardness I feel in social situations, the pressure it puts on my relationships with other members of my family, and the desperate desire to try anything – in amongst a sea of physical and emotional exhaustion - to ensure Hunter is able to enjoy the best that life can offer – even if it’s on his terms.
It can be VERY frustrating having a child with Aspergers. The hardest part is I feel like I’ll never actually get to know my child and how they see the world in the same way other parents do.
But Hunter brings me joy in other ways. When he just comes up and hugs me and says "I love you mom" something he does randomly. (and not just when he is in trouble) How he seems to see things in a way no one else does. How I am glad he does not fit into society's little tight box and how he refuses to be anything but his true self. He makes me proud to be his mom and the day to day struggles he faces he faces with dignity and strength. Not all the time but mostly and how he is accepting of the fact he is different and how he just has to learn to cope and deal and make it work for him. I am proud of how far he has come and what he has achieved the past few years.
Today I celebrate Hunter Irving Ward. And I celebrate the boy he is, the man he will become and how I am proud to be his mom.

 

The American Dream: And NOT feeling ashamed of it!

I have this psychology class that I am taking called Psychology of Human Diversity.  Awesome class.  On Tuesday my professor was talking about how he is living the American dream and how proud he is of how hard he worked to get there.  And how some may see it is arrogant.  I see this a lot.  People mistaking your being proud of your hard work and accomplishments as arrogance or boasting.
First we are told to study hard, work hard to achieve the American dream and then when we get there we get criticized for seeming arrogant, cocky and condescending when we achieve it?  When the professor was talking about what he did to get where he was I was A. exhausted just from listening  to how hard he worked B. admired how he did it and still being so young and having a family C. happy to see him take pride in his accomplishments
BUT I can see how some would be taken aback by his confidence.  I can see how SOME could mistake his being so proud of how far he has come and how successful he is as arrogance. 

But I say screw them anyway.

Then I got to thinking about what IS the American Dream? 
It is different for everyone.

For me ... I will be honest ... it was old fashioned "fall in love with my soul mate, get married, have a beautiful wedding, have a healthy baby boy and a girl  and have my own home, couple of pups
 and not have to work"  LOL! (on that last part)  As in stay home with my children while they grew.

And the huz has a saying that he says lovingly (and sometimes not so much LOL)
"America's good to you kid!"
And he is right.  100% absolutely right.
but not without us working hard TOGETHER.
I did those things.  I was the first one to graduate high school in my family.  The first one to go to college and get a degree.  I met the love of my life in 1992 and had a gorgeous wedding with a beautiful dress! Soon after had a bouncing (and boy do I mean BOUNCING) baby boy and then was followed by a good ol' sugar and spice little baby girl.  Both beautiful and healthy!  We bought a home in 2001.  And I was able to stay home with my children until last year when I went to work "officially".  During the years home with my children I would baby-sit other children in my home to supplement my income here and there.  I have been truly blessed. 
AND I am TRULY blessed. 
But all that did not come without sacrifice.  I hate it when people say "You are so lucky to have gotten to stay home with your kids" 
Working moms looked down on me. 
Walked away from me on the play ground when they found out I got to "do this every day" (ya know, play and do NOTHING cause being a stay at home mom is SOOOOO easy) and they had to go back to work tomorrow because this was just their day off. One time a woman who had a dispute with me over something stupid, found out during the argument that I was a stay at home mom and she was a working mom, she said to me as part of the ending of her ignorant argument "Why don't you just go get a job like the rest of us?"
 Me staying home with the kids meant ... no eating out, no trips out to the movies with the kids, no family vacations (we only JUST took one as a family to Niagara Falls this past fall my children are 16 and 13) It meant sometimes the huz working full-time, part-time AND school part-time.  And seeing him very little.  And hard on him because he didn't see the kids grow up as much as I did.
It meant small holidays, hand me downs and sometimes weeks of macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese, cereal or pasta for dinner.  It meant no extra driving anywhere. It meant driving clunkers of cars and back in the day when insurance was not mandatory, driving without it.  It meant small grocery bills and keeping the heat down low and the lights off as much as possible. It meant not paying one bill because another bill was more important.  It meant sacrifice. 
LUCK had nothing to do with it.
It was all about choices. And we made them and made it through.
It was hard work.  It was worth it.  And I would do it ALL again.
All of our choices have paid off.  The huz has a great job.  He is happy in his job and makes the big bucks for all his hard work and dedication.
HIS hard work has paid off. 
I have two still healthy, smart, creative, intelligent and compassionate and tolerant children.  Hunter's Autism has made things tricky over the years but it just has made us stronger as a family.
I got to see them say their first word, their first step, etc.
Now I am going for my Bachelor's in Psychology and going to kick ass and take names in a field I have ALWAYS loved.
Because I AM living MY American Dream.
Everyone's dream is different.  I am proud of what I have accomplished together with my husband.  we did it ourselves.  We worked hard and still work hard and our children see that every day.  And I tell everyone who wants to know how blessed I am and how hard I have worked to get what we have.  We still have a bit more to get to where we REALLY want to be but for the most part "America's been good to us"  :)

So what is YOUR American Dream?  Are you working hard to get there?

And professor .... You do your thing, man ... and walk the walk and talk the talk!
It does not matter what others think or how we come off.
Cause you deserve it and so do I!
Peace
~T

The family on our first "family" vacation in Fall of 2013

 

 

 

 

  little house by the sea!

 

Oh yeah!

So I contacted a company called Oh Yeah!.... they are the most delicious protein bars I have ever tasted. Now you all know I recently put one up a post for the Quest company and I love them too and Quest did a fantastic job of sending me a boatload of stuff and I appreciate that. They DID send me MORE  than Oh Yeah! did.

But Oh Yeah! was my very first protein product that I tried after weight-loss surgery and it is by far the yummiest of bars.  I actually would have to say that they both are pretty equal I just think  the Oh Yeah! buys are a little lighter and a little easier to eat at one particular time. The Quest bars tend to be a bit more dense and I am only able to eat half and then eat the other half later on the day which is fine. There are pros and cons to both companies but I have to say of all the protein companies on the market these two are the only ones that I will eat. They are a little pricey but well worth it. 

Call them or email them and ask them for samples. Most of the time they will be delighted to send you samples to try out. They probably sent me a little more than they usually would send the normal person because I did mention that I would be mentioning them on my blog. My blog is for the weight-loss community to see and experience things about my journey that are making my experience a little better.

These two companies by far are the tastiest as far as the protein bars the smoothest as far as the protein powder and by far the yummiest in overall taste.

So thank you Oh Yeah you made my day all!

OH YEAH!

-t

Quest is the best!!

So I wrote to Quest about my whole journey!  Look at the abundant of stuff they sent!  They are really yummy!  If you are a bariatric patient ...or not....try this product!  Plus they are SUPER nice people to deal with!  Awesome nutrition!

The invisible enemy .... he is always just a step away

I wrote this Sunday afternoon.  I wish I could sleep until noon on a Monday ... psssthhh

So this morning I slept until noon.  I went to bed later than usual last night ... maybe about 1:20.  I have decided something I have always known.  Sleeping is my coping mechanism.  I know my gastric bypass has given me a whole new life and perspective on things but when I look back I really don't eat much differently than I did BEFORE the bypass.  Quantity was maybe the main culprit ... but thinking more about it ... my coping mechanism was probably more the culprit.  And that was sleeping.  I slept when I was sad.  I slept when I felt overwhelmed.  I slept when something didn't go my way.  I slept when I was disappointed.  I could sleep forever. So I would get up, pee, maybe get something to eat sometimes good choices sometimes bad and as soon as I was done ... back to bed.  My metabolism was at a stand still.  My body was ALWAYS in starvation mode and never knew when my next meal was so it HELD onto my fat like a damn miser holding onto his gold.  I didn't take IN many calories it was the NOT burning them off that made a difference because I LOVED my pillow, my bed ... the dreams and escape from reality I could get.  I actually became quite an efficient lucid dreamer.  I could get up, pee (LOL) go back to bed and pick that damn dream up right were I left off!  It was like going to the movies!  But it was not healthy. I was a napping/sleeping fool.

And there for a few shaky years, with two kids, that I DID indeed do that.  I especially remember one particular year.  Not too sure what year it was.  During this year NEITHER child got to school on time EVER!  Seriously I was the mom from hell that year.  The teacher's were concerned but screw them they didn't know what I was going through.  And WHAT was I going through ... I don't even remember.  EVERY SINGLE chance I got I would sleep.  I would sleep all weekend.  Man ... dark years going on there. 

My blessed husband did what he could.  Helped how he could but he kinda just worked to keep the money flowing in so even he didn't really know the extend of my depression.  He was working full time AND part time AND going to school part time.  To better our family and I NEVER begrudged him for that.  Never ever thought "Why isn't he here for me"  He was doing what he had to do to insure our future would be bright.  But those times were not bright for me.  A couple of things snapped me out of it. One times I sent Hunter to school in his sister's jeans.  They had butterflies on the back pockets and some kids made fun of him in school.  His reaction was "Hey my mom is tired a lot ... she just made a mistake ... shut up!"  Go boy!  But I did get a call from the school to pick him up or bring him another pair of pants.  Which totally interrupted the nap I was taking! The nerve! Geez. Another time was when I was napping on the couch in complete exhaustion and despair and Hunter shook me to tell me his sister was blue.  She had apparently found a teeny tiny traffic cone from one of Hunter's Hot Wheels sets and had put it in her mouth, pointy end down.  And was not breathing.  I picked her up did the ol' back slapping thing and the cone came flying out!  Her color returned and she was back to playing like nothing happened.  Needless to say my ass was VERY awake the rest of that day! Plus the fact I had ten years just shaved off my young life.  
Things got better from there but I never felt "right".  I tried a few different kinds of medicine combinations but some made it hard on the sex life, some just didn't work and some just had too many side effects.  I ended up with Wellbutrin.  The best one yet.  During nursing Hailey for her first year I didn't need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds at all ... she was my natural drug.  Nursing released all kinds of endorphins and it was a great natural way to relax.  But she started to wean herself at about ten months and then was only nursing at night and in the morning and then one day at exactly 12 months ... she was ALL set. I was SO sad.  But I let her lead the way and that was her way. 
 After that was when the serious depression set in.  THAT was when I was trying the different meds and finally ended up with the Wellbutrin which FINALLY seemed to help.  It did helps for a few years and I only had a few dips, hills and valleys.  Having a child with Autism is SO difficult and unless you live it every day ... you just cannot understand.  So after finding out I was as high as I could go on my Wellbutrin I added Celexa! YES!  The clouds disappeared and the sun came out!  LOL!  Things were so much better for so many years.  Plus Tony was done with his apprenticeship and was home more.  The kids were older and playing together, making friends, being more independent and generally easier to take care of.  They were at the age when I could really enjoy them, teach them.  They wanted to learn about new things and why things were they way they were and this brought out the natural teacher in me.  But I fought every day the demons that wracked my brain and I still do ... cause that little bastard is always around the corner.  And I don't know why I let him stalk me ... others don't understand it either.  But he is always there.  And I always need to shoo him away and some days its just fucking exhausting and I am tired and I let him slip and meld onto me like a leech.  And lately I have been having more and more days of letting him invade me and I am always worried about those dark days from the past.  Part of it is laziness cause he is stronger than I am ... and some of it is just easier to let him lull me to sleep.  But the spring is coming and he does not like the sunshine so that is my weapon. It is ALWAYS easier to keep him at bay in the spring, summer and fall.  So here's to SPRING ... and my super power of sunshine and sand between my toes and flowers blooming and green grass.  TAKE THAT you little bastard ... I got this!

Peace
T

The day that broke the camel's back ....

The day that broke the camel's back.....me being the camel.

So I am on my way nine months into my recovery from my gastric bypass ...feeling good...losing good...fitting into clothes I never thought I would every again ...out for the day with my babe....sun was shining and WHAM!

Young man, still with his 7-11 work shirt on, iPod on the steering wheel, ear buds in.  I was in the passenger seat one leg crossed over the other because I was sending an email to my boss about an upcoming shift.  Tony had seen ...just seen ...the car coming up from behind us and had a split second to think "oh shit" ....then I felt the impact which flew my iPad off my lap and launched me forward.  My leg was in a wacky position and I immediately started to cry.  Yes, I did have my seatbelt on.  I know if I hadn't my head would have totally have hit the dash.  I was looking down when we were hit so my neck was in immediate pain.  Tony got out of the car and the kid rips his ear buds out of his ears and throws his iPod on the seat and got out with the attitude like WE had just inconvenienced him!  Really? Well when my 6'1" 325lbs husband got out .....the kids back down a few notches and called the police.  The ambulance came and I SO didn't want to go because the last time I was in an ambulance was from my motorcycle accident and it was SO scary and uncomfortable but my neck hurt and my ear was strangely numb.  So they strapped me in and off I went to Kent.  Arriving at Kent was a complete joke. I continuously complained of a numb left ear and a numb feeling in my cheek to no avail.  I was told it was because of the thing on my neck that the sound was muffled.  Dude ...I slid 87 feet on the hot asphalt just two years before and didn't remember my ear and side of my face feeling numb from the neck thingy.  A quick look over and boy do I mean QUICK LIKE 10 min asked me a few questions, STILL, telling them about the numb ear ...they didn't care.  NO X-RAYS and I was on  my way like a drive thru at a fast food restaurant!  They must have been thinking " sure another Rhode Islander who got rear ended and can't wait to sue" I was still sooooo upset I don't even remembering getting back home in bed.   I slept the rest of the day.

Upon waking the next day my ear was still numb, now the side of my face was numb and my BPPV had been activated.  

Quick lesson: " Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) is the most common disorder of the inner ear’s vestibular system, which is a vital part of maintaining balance. BPPV is benign, meaning that it is not life-threatening nor generally progressive. BPPV produces a sensation of spinning called vertigo that is both paroxysmal and positional, meaning it occurs suddenly and with a change in head position. 

BPPV occurs as a result of otoconia, tiny crystals of calcium carbonate that are a normal part of the inner ear’s anatomy, detaching from the otolithic membrane in the utricle and collecting in one of the semicircular canals. When the head is still, gravity causes the otoconia to clump and settle (Figure 1). When the head moves, the otoconia shift. This stimulates the cupula to send false signals to the brain, producing vertigo and triggering nystagmus (involuntary eye movements)"

I had been symptom free for almost a year up until that point. Cause I do these stupid exercises to get the little calcium deposits to get to a place for them not to cause trouble.

It is just a pain in the ass and that lasted about a week.  In the meantime I began to feel pain in my lower back. Which was weird because I never had back issues and after losing all my weight my back actually felt like a million bucks.  But I chalked it up to sleeping in the wrong position, working third shift and going to school full time.  But then it became where I could not even do my job.  I could no longer help with clients getting dressed or in and out of bed without me asking for a lot of assistance from a co worker so I was like WTF I guess I should go get it looked at.  Well what they found was not pretty.  I go there and the doc says so what brings you here to see me today and I said .....I had an awesome back before September 6th, got rear ended and now my back is getting progressively worse.  At that time a chiropractor had been working on my neck and all was hunky dory but he did want to touch my lower back until we got som X-rays. 

Once the Chiro saw this he didn't want to touch that shit with a 10ft pole.  Can you see the break?  And the slippage forward. Follow the Spine bones down and you see one that has a space ...yea that's not sposed to be there. You know that song "one of things is not like the other...." 

Sssoooooooo now the doc is like yea you cannot work because my job requires I lift at least 40lbs at any given time so I was out of work Nov 15th.  I applied for FMLA which only hold your position for 13 weeks.  Also here I am on a trajectory to finish school for Spring of 2015 with my Bachelors in Psychology so I am dealing with the pain and still going to school with a time bomb in my back.  I go back to see him March 4th he takes another X-ray and is like ....you cannot wait any longer.  I say well if you can get me in before spring break which was the week after then let's do it.  I was on the operation table two days later.  Blue Cross approved that shit like nothing after seeing the X-rays and MRIs.  So now I missed a day or so of school to get my family, house and shit in order.  Pre op testing and blah blah blah.

So the surgery goes well.  What doesn't go well is apparently my body doesn't like pain meds ....like any pain meds.  They were causing my blood pressure to do funky things and one time it was as low as 45/37!  My lips turned blue and I kinda blacked out and lost consciousness and next thing I was back in bed with a catheter re-inserted with instructions to not get up at all.  I was very disappointed in my  body and everything.  It was nothing like the gastric bypass. The pain was way more intense and because they felt the pain meds were messing with my BP they took my button away ASAP and put me on HALF the dosage of what you would  normally give someone after this kind of operation.  But we finally did find the right combination and I was finally able to stand and pee on my own and damn once you do that they are shipping your ass out of there.  But I was there five days instead of the anticipated two and that totally fuxked with my head.  Here is the before and after pictures

And here are the two separated

As you can see the slippage is still there and I will have to live with that the rest of my life.  Apparently when they got in there they had to also perform a laminectomy as well as the fusion and could not line up that vertebra. Eh, it is what it is.

So now my FMLA has run up.  I basically have lost my job because by law they do not have to hold my position for me but did offer for me to come back as a sub for a dollar less an hour and a schedule that is like an "on call" thing which obviously I cannot do with two teenagers and a full time school schedule.  So not it's all in the doctors and lawyers hands.  And I need these people to speed this shit up.  I see the doc  next week so we will see what he says.  Here is what the incision looked like after surgery

DO NOT LOOK IF YOU HET SQUEAMISH!

Not too bad...I have to say I had NO bruising and it looks still pretty good. 19 staples ....come on!  You couldn't throw one more in there to make it 20!? Lol!

Here it is with the staples out and it is looking better everyday but now my muscles are WICKED pissed off and I am still in pain with some things.  Driving totally sucks but I gotta do it.  My dad helped with school for the first week taking me and Tony picked me up.  But that just sucked.  So I am driving again and the incision and the muscles hurt while driving.

Emotionally this back surgery has weighed way more heavily on me than the motorcycle AND the gastric bypass.  But I am not going to dwell on it and that is for another day.  I need to get some sleep and snuggle with my pups!  Nighty night all!

These are the stupid exercise I need to do for my BPPV!

Peace

~t

  

1 YEAR, 12 MONTHS, 365 DAYS, 8760 HOURS, 525,600 MINUTES, 31,536,000SECONDS…

I cannot believe it has been a year.  And I cannot believe it has been almost a month past that year since I have found the time to write about it.

In 2013, on Valentine's Day, I decide to love "myself" and have RNY gastric bypass.  If you go back, back in my blog you can read about all the leading up to that.  This post is about how I have been doing over the past year.

Let's start physically.  Right now I am holding at 160-164 depending on the day and a size 12/14 depending on the company.  I can wear a L shirt but I kinda still like a lot of XL for a comfy factor.  I had gotten as low as 148lbs but people started making comments about my looking sick and that my eyes looked baggy.  I personally would like to hover between 155-158.  But there is a reason for the small weight gain ....that's another post! ☻ I can move around better.  I can put my body into crazy positions and skip up the stairs. (Before the auto accident ....another post)

Here is the thing about my weight loss physically.  I always promised to be brutally honest.  I have no exercise routine.  I do not go to the gym.  I do not lift weights, not even tiny small ones.  I do not do sit ups or push ups or planking.  I do not run matprathons and really don't feel the need to.  I like the "idea" of running and was hoping to try it but school takes up a lot of my time.  

This all makes me very conflicted.  I feel guilty.  I am not saying I do NOTHING. I walk the neighborhood with the dogs.  Run in the ball field here and there with one of my pups that love to play fetch.  But I see others who are going to the gym 3,4,5 times a week.  Some are losing fast and some are loading slower no matter what they do.  Here I am having lost my first 100lbs in under 6 months and about 20 lbs or so in the other six.  I hit my goal weight and then some in under a year.  Did I work hard following the rules with eating?  Hell yes!

So I guess here is where I fall into the emotional part of it.  People ask me what have I done to lose all that weight after surgery.  What exercise routine I have?  My arms and thighs look good, well decent compare to others who started off looking like me in the beginning, what kinds of exercises I do.  I don't lie ....I say nothing.  Just day to day stuff.  I was ALWAYS an active person. always active in the yard, the house just generally not able to sit still. I NEVER let my weight stop me before.  I know and am so happy for those who are always trying new things because now they can!  It is so wonderful!  But I never let anything stop me before.  If someone said "climb that tree over there" shit ....fat or not I would be climbing my ass up or die trying.  If I went to an amusement park and they were like  " hmmmmm ...you may not fit comfortably on this ride" fuck off ....squeeze my ass on there!  So sometimes I feel like the only thing that has changed has been the amount of food I am able to eat and the healthier choices I made. I worked DAMN hard BEFORE surgery.  And THAT is what I contribute my success to.  I started probably two years before I even considered surgery doing little things.  NO FAST FOOD, then portion control, NO SECONDS EVER! The watching sugar intake and carbs.  Then I did add a wee bit of exercise like walking the dogs more than usual.

Now I am saying, BY NO MEANS, people should not be exercising or can or could achieve the same results as I did without a regimented exercise routine.

Once again I feel like you have to do what's right for you!

And that leads me to my next post where the shit hit the fan!

But before I do that ....as a wonderful surgiversary present to myself I decided to hire a photographer to take some pictures of me naked.  And I want to do this as a yearly treat to myself to document how my body changes and ages along time.  Also did some boudoir pictures and pin up pictures for my man for Valentines Day!  I have to say it was the most awesome experience I have ever had!  I came to my friends house just out of the shower in a cami and some grey yoga pants.  Then I had her photograph me literally undressing ( the photographer not my friend lol) I have fully naked ones that I obviously cannot share or maybe I will one day but if anyone wants to do anything special for yourselves ...do this!  This young woman is a wonderful mom, and is trying to run her photography business so she can stay home with her new baby.  She set up in my friends house like a professional studio and it was amazing!  Please look her up for any kind of photos you need!  Weddings, baby pictures, senior pictures, etc.  You will be glad you did.  Here is her website:  http://doinaabukarma.smugmug.com

Meanwhile here are some of my favorites:

Inspiring minds want to know....

This was written in January of 2014 but just posting it now.

It has been said to me that my journey inspires people.  That I am an inspiration for others who are pre-op and post-op.  I have a great sense of humor and aura and people love being around my energy.  While this makes me feel wonderful, it is hard for me to hear.  I have never been one to receive compliments easily.  I feel awkward when I get them.  Not that I don't believe in myself or feel like I deserve them .... It just feels awkward.  I am struggling more and more when out and about people are complimenting my appearance more.  THIS is something that has never really happened much at all.  Strangers randomly smiling at me, holding doors and actually verbally complimenting me.
I want to share my journey with those who want to hear about it.  I want people to see how my life has changed since surgery.  I want people to be able to read that and feel connected to more themselves and not necessarily me.  I love that I inspire them but I want them to look inside themselves and find that natural strength we all have, that they possess but did not realize they could tap into. Dig deep for it on those days when things seem bleak.

And if they can build strength on my journey to do so then that makes me happy.

~T

Me and puppy

Two years ago  I bought this sweatshirt.  I was at Niagara Falls to visit my cousin.  I went on the maid of the mist and wanted a sweatshirt so bad.  They didn't have a zip up one because I needed a 2X and they were just too much money.  I found this sweatshirt.  It, too, is a 2X.  I could barely pull it over my body but I wanted it!  I could imagine how comfy it would be if I could wrap myself up in it and sit all cozy on the couch with the hood on.  Go out on a brisk fall day and just throw it on.  But when I got home it was just too tight.  But I put it in a drawer and someday I knew I would wear it and be comfy in it.  The other day I pulled it out and put it on.   Now it is VERY big!  I fit in it with SO much room and apparently room for the pup as well! The last picture in the series is me and the pup this morning snuggling in the sweatshirt!   I seriously had to squeeze my body into it back then! 

Here are some more pics from that trip two years ago and ones I took just this past October.

I am amazed at how my body has changed!  I had a great weekend time that first summer.  It was probably my heaviest ...around 278-280.  But I swam in my bathing suit, walked all around Niagara Falls.  Made an 8-10 hour trip to and from driving.  Walked around all day with the kid.  Went to one of the Great Lakes (in my bathing suit but had shorts on cause I don't like sand in THAT area lol!) with the cuz and the kids and lived life.  This past rip the whole fam went and we did lots of fun things too.  I realized that I never let my weight stop me from being who I was, my love for life and how I held myself as a plus sized woman! I was always confident, had as much fun as I could and loved life to the fullest.  The only thing that has changed with me now is that I am smaller.  I still have the same smile, the same sense of humor, the same love for life and the same confidence!  I live healthier now but that is not even the biggest thing.  I appreciate how much being a plus sized woman made me who I am today because I really didn't know any different.  Some people worry that you change after surgery.  The only thing that has changed is my physical measurements.  I am the same fun loving, goofy, never sit still, procrastinating, confident, obnoxious, silly, creative, fun loving, sometimes too sensitive and happy self!  Love it, believe it ....or leave it!

Peace

Tami