What is YOUR perception of beauty? Is it what's visible or not visible? Is it long luxurious hair or how someone makes you feel when you are around them? When people think of beauty it usually is society's idea of beauty whether we like to think of it or not we have been been brain washed all our lives what is considered beautiful.
Looking up pictures of women from the 17th and 18th century you will see women who were healthy, plump doing real life things like nursing their children and tending to their homes and families. As time went on our waists became smaller, our faces became thinner and seemingly faded more away from our families. If you were fuller in figure back in those times, chances are you were well off as only those who could afford food! So basically your full shape showed your social status.
What has changed that it seems like we, as women, have become so disconnected from our bodies? Oh man, I could go on about this but I don't want to get all my women's lib friends' panties in a bunch! But what I am saying is it is time for us to be one with our bodies. No matter what your size... Love it! If you are healthy ... Big or small, short or tall, plus size or pint size ... Love it!
I loved myself before surgery. I really, truly did. There were times I wished I was thinner but ya know what? Why? Why did I wish that? Because that's what we are taught to think we should be thinking. Society does not like fatness. Fatness represents laziness and sloth. Gluttony and greediness. This may seem harsh but it is true. But since surgery I have really been looking around. Like "really, really" looking around and ya know what... There are not many people who fit into that little box of fitness or ideal image around. So why do we think anyone is better than anyone else?
I don't know.
My daughter is not a small girl. Her pediatrician nicely put it like this. "Over the next year we will want to keep your weight steady so the height can catch up. So lets focus on eating healthy, drinking lots of water and exercising". Basically she is saying right now my daughter is wider than she is tall so according to "the chart" (that God damn dreaded chart) .... She is fat. Now my kid is no fool... She understood what the ped was saying. She came out of the office kinda sad. And then finally after a few silent moments in the car ride she blurted out, "Did she basically call me fat?" Trying to keep a straight face, cause she was so serious when she said it, I said no. She was saying that "the chart" was saying that she needed to allow her body time to catch up height wise .... YEA OK ... She was saying you are fat. Or over weight for your age and height. She knows her mom struggles with weight. She didn't know me when I was 164lbs like her dad did. She hasn't even seen me this thin. My son mentioned how thin my arms looked! Lol! So she was kinda somber for the rest of that day and I was kinda pissed that she had to face a sudden harsh reality of it all.
But I want my daughter to know that she IS beautiful the way she is. She knows she is not as thin as mostly all of her friends ( I mean don't these teenage girls eat for Pete's sake?) my daughter eats pretty well. I have been changing the eating haits of the family for awhile now but even when I was at my personal biggest, my kids never really saw me eat the really bad things. I always had healthy choices for them. I am not worried about my son ... He is like 2% body fat! We have NO idea where the hell he came from. He did not have that chubby stage. He just skipped over it. He is tall and keeps getting taller and he is lean ... Like really lean. And the sucky thing is he eats like a jerk! Lol! We all just don't get it. I know my daughter will be tall. I am not to worried but she is not a physical person. We both know this. She would rather sit and read, color, write stories and do other sit still activities than hop on a bike, go for a walk or move her body. So we are working on this. We are also working on boredom eating because we both know this is an area that is hard for her. And portion control. I want her to recognize where her issues are before they become a problem. She knows them, recognizes them and wants to better herself. Not for society, not to fit in with her friends but because SHE wants to be healthy and happy. She knows she may never be thin, per se, but she wants to be happy. And being thin isn't always equal to happiness.
I don't want her to think surgery is an option for her because realistically it should only be an option if all other options have failed. I didn't go through my life thinking hey, ya know what, let me just eat and eat whatever I want because I have surgery as an option. I did what I thought was right for me at the time. I didn't think about food really as good or bad. I ate when I was hungry. Did I make good choices, obviously not often but I didn't eat like a fool if I go back and analyze my eating habits. And when I started getting larger over time, I thought it was just a natural progression of having babies, nourishing them in womb and feeding them outside the womb (nursing my daughter for 12 months). Then picking off their plates cause damn you can't waste that food. It was not like I was feeding them bad food! And time goes on, we get stuck in a rut and well shit happens!
I want my children, especially my daughter, to be mindful of food. I want her to realize while she does NOT have to fit into society's often unrealistic version of what a healthy woman should look like, she should be careful because she has a predisposition to be obese. It's just a genetic fact. I want her to nourish her body. I want to teach her moderation and balance. And I want to lead by example that while I didn't learn these habits and lessons early enough, I want her to.
Because that's what moms do.
She is beautiful and so am I ... Before AND after surgery.
And even though over time our perception of beauty has changed ... It is not my job to make it better. I am not here to fight society's version of what I should look like, feel like or act like. I am here for my husband and my children. I am here for myself. To be happy and healthy in the skin I am in.
Cause it's just a space suit anyway until we get to something else.
Xoxo
~T
