The Dreaming Tree

“The dreaming tree
Sang to me
Given by a friend who thought of me
Trees are life ... some have been here for centuries
Even people who have known one another for mere years
Can be centuries old in their hearts
Similar stories but different
Living a life with children who others will never understand
Living a world of uncomfortableness others will never know

Sometimes even feeling estranged from your partner in life
Who created those beings with you out of love
No one understands
The hurt of a mothers heart
 But the dreaming tree does
You taste it, drink it in and relax
You forget for just one damn moment that you struggle
That you hurt
That you yearn
That you pray
That you scream
That you wish
Then you wake up and do what you need to do
Because you are a badass bitch
And you have no choice
So says the Dreaming Tree”
t
2020/2

Lonely but not alone

I want to know how you can feel so alone when you’re surrounded by so many people who love you

I want to know what the answer is when the answer is unknown and out of reach

I want to know when you do all you can to be the best you can be and yet you are not the best according to anyone

I want to know why my brain suffers when all It wants to do is give happiness to others

Is this the curse of a true caregiver

To always give of yourself and always wonder why yourself is suffering

To always think of others first and yourself last

Do you wonder why no matter what you do or how you do it to take care of others there never seems to be anyone to take care of you to satisfy your soul to what you give

If this is the curse of the caregiver?

Sometimes I want it ... sometimes I don’t and that is another curse in and of itself that you don’t get to choose

You need to take it or leave it

There will come a time in your life where you will have to make the decision of which path you want to take

Taking it or leaving it; a curse or a gift

It is always your choice but it never feels like it

t 

2020/2

The Truth that no one talks about

This is all about bypass ...  sorry gastric bypass .... for  full RNY ... bypass seven years later. A lot of people who have experienced and gone  through this journey have gained weight and have gained weight more than expected (most people getting at least 30 to 40 pounds after gastric bypass) which is actually pretty normal see this article with empirical research.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1542356510011109
Among 165 patients included in our study, 59% had significant weight regain (≥20% of maximum weight lost after the RYGB) and 41% did not. The mean percentage of maximal weight lost after RYGB that was regained in the entire cohort was 30% ± 22%. Gastrojejunal stoma diameter was associated significantly with weight regain after RYGB surgery in univariate analysis (β = .31, P < .0001). This association remained significant after adjusting for several known or purported risk factors for weight regain (β = .19, P = .003). We developed a simple prediction rule for weight regain after RYGB using a 7-point scoring system that includes the gastrojejunal stoma diameter, race, and percentage of maximal body weight lost after RYGB; a cut-off score of 4 or more points had an area under receiver operating characteristic curve of 0.76 and a positive predictive value of 75%.“

I have personally known people who have had the RNY gastric bypass and have been all of the way back within three years and then some I personally have gained back 30 pounds. Now while some of you may think, who have had the gastric bypass, wish they had only gained back 30 pounds, I feel this is a defeat in my personal journey to being healthy. I cannot 100% attribute that weakness to food and not look at the factor that I have been inactive with illness, a concussion, life trauma, and the things that come along with growing in age, so where do you draw the line? Do you just look at it as you needed to do what you had to do to get along in life? Do you look at it as I’m getting older, 45 years Of age, and then I’m just a lazy shit. Do you look at it as I was going for my masters degree and suffered from a severe concussion and I was just a lazy shit and needed to take the time to heal, and therefore did not move my body?  Do I sit down and eat pints of Ben & Jerry’s like I used to?  No I do not. Because I can no longer do that after the gastric bypass. One of the sad losses I have is that I can no longer enjoy ice cream. I can no longer enjoy tuna. I can no longer enjoy cereal. I can no longer enjoy oatmeal. I can no longer enjoy a plethora of other foods that used to enjoy but that is OK because my health in general is better but I have to get rid of this 30 pounds. 
If you are a new gastric bypass patient and you are reading this please know that there is a common thread of lack of mental health support to people that are going for this operation that I feel is a travesty.  I have known and counseled too many souls who have asked me about my gastric bypass journey that I have told personally that everyone’s journey is different and that they have to be mentally prepared. Some have a listen to me, some have not. I am not tooting my own horn here, but the ones who have not listened to me and not taken  the steps mentally are the ones that are failing now 2-3 years later. I am all in support for gastric bypass I think whenever has gotten you to the point where you can no longer keep your health in check on your own and you  tried everything and I mean .... everything to be able to keep your weight down ... the gastric bypass may be the answer for you. However if you spent your 20s eating like a fool and think that in your 30s you want to just be “skinny “and gastric bypass will help you get there you will fail. 
Out of the 120 pounds that I lost that I’ve needed to lose throughout my gastric bypass journey I have managed to maintain 80 pounds of it off permanently. I need to work on those 30 pounds that I have gained over the last two years of the seven years since my gastric bypass but that is up to me ... that is not a surgical question, that is not a medical question, it is a question of whether I can or cannot do the things I need to do to keep that weight off. Before gastric bypass I was active, Busy, healthy,( other than Pre-diabetic, sleep apnea and GERD), but I was actually proud to be a big woman. I did not let my weight stop me from doing anything I wanted to do according to society because society can go fuck themselves.
 But after gastric bypass I have noticed a huge shift in the way that people treat me, and the way the society sees me, and the way that I go about my life on a daily basis. It was pretty euphoric for awhile ... 
I don’t ever want to be as big as I was before. It is not healthy, it is not conducive to the longevity of my life, and it is something that I have made a life goal not to happen.  
The point and purpose of this post is this. If you are not at a place where you can be mentally prepared for gastric bypass, because it is going to fuck with your brain, you really need to evaluate what you’re doing with your body right now that you actually need or are contemplating about the surgery.
I am a counselor in training. I am devoted to mental health. And I think the lack of mental health concerning people who are going in for weight loss surgery, or bariatric surgery the medical field has done a great disservice to everyone. One of the areas of expertise I would like to have becoming a counselor when I get my license is to help bariatric patients realize that it’s not just about being “skinny” it is about a lifelong journey and a in-depth look at yourself of Why are you were overweight in the first place and how you got there. It may not be pretty and may not make you feel great but it’s not about the numbers it’s not about the money that your medical insurance gets it’s not about the money that your surgeon gets and it’s not about anything other than YOU ...  and I wish we could get back to that because it literally is all about the person ...  that is all. Peace to you always and in ALL ways.
t