Bloggity Blog Blog
Wow! I cannot believe how much time has passed since the last time I have written in this blog.
A lot has been going on.
I went back to college full time. Working full time. Then got into a small car accident (rear-ended) and got taken out of work.
Got a bilateral break on one of the lower vertebra and a bulging disc. YAY!
But despite that, I am still doing well with my staying on a healthy track. I have strayed a little.
Swedish fish and jolly rancher chews! DAMN THEM!
I have to go for my 9month blood work and then Dr. Roye in January. I had an appointment with him in December but damn I was too wrapped up in trying to survive my first semester back in college.
So next week I am going one morning. Just to get it over with. My last one, the 6month one, was good. He said one of my proteins could be a little better but he was fine with it and very happy about my progress!
I had gotten down as low as 148 (from my highest of 278 last year) but quickly DIDN'T stay there. I am running about 153-156 on any given day. I honestly do not let the scale stress me out and I only weigh myself in the morning after a shower, in my birthday suit! And I only do it every other day.
I have gone up to 159 and back down again. I feel honestly happy about where I am. I want it to stay under 160 and never as low as 145 cause the 148 I thought I looked kinda sick.
But I tend to look saggy baggy on days where my water intake sucks.
So what the HELL has been going on?
What changes have I noticed?
Well ... people talk to me. Like make eye contact, speak to me, hold doors for me.
I was like what the hell are all these crazy people doing?
I was never a shy person. Never let my weight slow me down or prevent me from doing something. I always made eye contact and am a genuine people watcher. But now they WATCH back!
I look at people and they like look BACK at me!
It actually makes me feel kinda weird. I am the same person on the inside but obviously NOT on the outside. Why is this?
Maybe before I was "invisible" to them because of my weight. People kinda walked around and either was not noticing me or didn't want to look at the fat girl?
I personally stare at people JUST as much as I always have. Now I get "why is that crazy bitch stalking me with her eyes" or I get smiles back. Then I kinda jump cause I am not used to people actually making eye contact back.
Now I notice people looking at me like ALL the time. This has made me weirdly kinda shy.
Okay that's messed up right? Here I am 130lbs lighter and want people to STOP looking at me but when I was larger I was like "why doesn't anyone look at me?" Not that I really cared but its just odd.
Something I have learned over the past few months as well.
Not everyone wants to hear, see or know about my journey. I have actually have had a few people stop talking to me. People who used to talk to me daily, weekly or monthly ...now ... not so much or not at all. Maybe its not me. I mean, I am not that spectacular but it seems coincidental with some of the people. That since the surgery they do not talk to me anymore. And some of them I miss and some not so much.
But I say whatever. I have not changed personality wise ... so whatever.
I just wish, if the weight loss is the issue they would just man up and say it and kick me in the balls if I need it. I can be humbled. They can be honest. I am a tough chick.
but again ... whatevs.
A good friend of mine told me gently (and I am actually TRULY thankful) that she is happy ... so happy for me and all I have accomplished BUT not everyone wants to hear about it and especially when I am around those who are larger, who may or may not be struggling with their weight, want to hear how I am so amazed that I "let myself get that big" or "what was I thinking" or "man I looked like I was going to explode". They don't want to see picture after pictures of side by sides.
I am so thankful she told me this and I now have decided to share all my weight loss stuff on this blog. Cause people can then decide for themselves if they WANT to go and see and read about my journey. It won't be like IN THIER FACE! And if I had been doing this to anyone who is reading this ... I am sorry if in any way I made you feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes it takes someone to kinda pull you back down to earth when you are flying so high on yourself. So I am only going to talk about it to people who ask. People who want to know about me and my journey can come here to see pics, look at my diet, what I am doing to stay healthy, what is pissing me off, what is working and not working and so on. They will have to actively seek out the information and that works for me.
Naturally I am proud of myself and excited. I have NEVER EVER been this small as an adult. EVER. It still is amazing. I never disliked myself before but looking at pictures from the past kinda make me sad. People say "I don't EVER remember you looking like that" and I take that as a compliment because that means they never saw a big woman. They saw a woman that was fun, confident and just a goof ball. I always smiled. I never let shit stop me from doing stuff. If I didn't fit into something and I wanted to do it ... I squeezed my shit in there man! LOL!
I always thought I was pretty, smart and fun. Every now and then I was like WTF I want those jeans or I wish I could look like some skinny girl working a cool shirt or something. Or someone would day "Damn Tony's wife is pretty" instead of "funny" or "creative" or "she makes me laugh"
which are a big girls WORST nightmares to hear. Just sayin'
But I never woke up and disliked who I was physically. But when I look at the pictures now ... I feel sad and kinda mad that I had let it get to an unhealthy point. And my weight WAS making me unhealthy. It was a fact. Bloodwork, tests and sugar numbers don't lie ... no matter how much you love yourself and proud to be a big woman.
But I also feel proud because I never let my size define me.
My body feels weird now. I can feel bones everywhere. I am often like wtf ... what is that pain? Oh shit my ass bone is on this hard chair and it hurts. I have lots of skin hanging. Lots. But surprisingly it does not really make me as mad as I thought. I thought ... hell yea I am SO getting surgery for that shit if it gets crazy. Now ... I am not feeling it. I have not really gone balls to the wall with working out. I am going to try that first. My arms are not that bad. My stomach is not as bad as I thought and my boobs ... well they are just boobs! LOL! I DID have two kids!
I don't mind wearing some spanx to hold all that in. My legs are pretty saggy (upper thighs) much more than I thought out of every thing because I never thought I had that much fat on my legs. I mean summer isn't here yet either so I may chime back in then and be like "PREP THE OR!" LOL! but as of right now ... I am not feeling reconstructive surgery. I genuinely need to feel like I have done all I could to tighten it all up and I mean like hard core regimen to see if it can be done before I think about that.
Well if it was not for this damn back issue I would start. But doc says NO to any kind of lifting, pulling, pushing ... etc. So I am going to heal up, keep on my good eating and just think about school for now. But spring is going to be my thing!
I just took some new pics today. Ones with my clothes and one with just a bra and undies. I want to post them because when I was pre-op I was desperately looking for women who looked like me and what they looked like afterwards. I only found a few. I am not shy I will put them up but ... not sure if I feel like listening to some of my family. I mean I don't really care but yet then I do. I really and truly want to help those who are going through this or any kind of weight loss ... I want them to know what your skin possibly may look like. I SO wanted to see and I think it would have helped me be prepared a bit more. I mean, I was having the operation anyway but it is nice to see how different bodies react to the surgery. To have a wide range of bodies to look at. And the fact is, the pics are just not out there. Maybe I will do it ... maybe I won't.
Either way ... this is the journey. HERE is where it will all be in black and white and color too!
Come and read, look ... and if not that's cool too.
More thoughts and pictures next time!
Peace
~T
