For Good ...

I honestly believe with my whole heart that people come and go into our lives for a reason.  
I have lost some good friends for one reason or another and no matter on what terms they left, I had to decide for myself to let them go or life just got in the way and we have lost touch ... I know each person has brought something valuable to make me who I am today.  They have made me the friend I am today, the woman I am today and ALL (bad or good or indifferent circumstances as to why they are no longer in my life) have left a handprint on my heart.  Here is to them ... Thank you and I hope you are living the life you want with full happiness.
Click the link to the most beautiful friendship song (past or present friendships) you have ever heard from the Broadway play Wicked with Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth
https://youtu.be/TZ0pXUb5jVU

When life give you lemons ...

Don't make lemonade.  Too mundane.
Smash those yellow bastards.  Slam them on the ground.  Stomp on them.  Squish them.  Throw them at someone!  LOL
Seriously though, I hate that saying.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  I fucking hate lemonade anyway. 
Sometimes I just do not feel like making the most of things. Sometimes I feel like giving up, throwing in the towel.  No one validates those feelings and it is too bad.
Because we all feel that way sometimes; like enough is enough and something has got to give.
Throw me a bone, universe, will ya?
It would be nice sometimes to just have someone say "Ya know what?  What you are going through totally sucks and your plate is SO full.  I see that and I hear you.  So cry a little.  Scream, kick and yell and do not stop until you are ready.  I am here for you no matter what.  You do not have to make fucking lemonade"

This blog is my form of getting things out there for the universe.  I know I am not unique in some of the experiences I have dealing with my own depression/anxiety.  I know there are challenges people face that are MUCH worse than my own.  But when you are in your own thick of things you do not think that way and that does not make your struggle any less meaningful or valid. 
Everyone has their own shit to deal with.  Sometimes you can fight it like a warrior and sometimes you are like ... ugh ... I just CANNOT one MORE minute.
I feel great when I am crushing life and getting all the adult things done.  By this I would mean taking care of myself (making sure I eat pretty decent, take my meds, and do some things during the day/week that make me happy), making sure my family is taken care of, taking care of my friends (cultivating relationships that are important and meaningful to me and my heart), kicking ass at job and school and making sure my bills get paid.
When I am not crushing life I am sleeping, eating like poo, sleeping and more sleeping. 
When those times come it is okay and I accept them.  And those who know me and love me see them coming, see when there are there and know to leave me be and/or ask how I am doing and do not take things personally because it is never about them.
I have to say that I am fed up with the lack of patience, empathy, and kindness going around today.
I see people yelling in traffic, sighing at people in line in stores.  People dragging their kids around by their wrists like sacks of potatoes, not taking the time to bend down and talk to them or pick them up and carry them.
I do not want to hear that life goes by too fast and you cannot find the time.  It is ALWAYS a good time to be kind.  It may come harder on some days than others but believe me it is possible.  I practice every day to try to take a breath and think "Is it kind?  Is it respectful?  Is is necessary?"
LITERALLY my mantra.  If everyone would just take one second before responding to a situation and think ...
Kindness.
Relevance.
Tolerance.
Patience.
Hey, I am not perfect ... far from it but through practice and patience, I have learned over the past 5-10 years or so that it expends a HELL of a lot of energy being an asshole and no less being kind and compassionate to those around you.
So why not choose the latter.
Try it.  One small change a day.  
That is it for today folks.  My schoolwork is kicking my ass lately and I gotta get back to it.
Know I am thinking of you all always and in all ways.
t

Grateful for YOU

I AM AN AWFUL TERRIBLE BLOGGER !
Whew ... there, I said it.
Despite me not updating this blog very often, you are still here dear reader!
I wanted to take time out today to let you know how grateful I am that in this big giant world, you take the time to visit when you can.  Last month 256 visits to this blog despite my laziness and inability to stay on track and blog once a week ... hell, once a month even.
BUT and I am making no excuses ... going for this Masters is WAAAAAAAAY more challenging then I thought.
And I left one job and landed another and life changes like that are super stress inducing.
But I promise to tell you ALL about it soon.
In the meantime, please know that whoever you are that reads this, I am so thankful for you.
And no matter what you are going through remember that you are a badass because you are still here
And I am here for you
True Story
Peace to you and yours always and in all ways,
t

I cannot love this enough

Vouyeristic Society

Truth

Just this ....

Cinco

Happy Valentine’s Day
And happy fifth surgiversary to me!

I honestly do not have the energy to write much today but did not want this day to go by without recognizing for myself how far I have come in five years since my gastric bypass surgery five years ago today.
I specifically chose Valentine’s Day those five years ago so I would always remember it was a day I chose to love myself and do something about my health.
I am weighing in at about 195”ish”
That is 30lbs from where I want/should be and I do not feel that great about it.  That being said, I have a tremendous amount of stressors going on in my life right now and I am on a medication that is known for weight gain but has been completely necessary to add into my mental health regimen for the time being.  It is cold, I am tired, I sleep when I can and do not exercise.  Soooooooo not that I am giving myself excuses but for a chick that was almost 300lbs five years ago and have only gained 30 in five years ... give me a fucking break! LOL.
I WILL save you from all my crazy life anguish (will write on that soon)
But as the weather IS getting better I foresee me working in the yard more, going for walks more and generally having a better handle on my schedule and ultimately my diet.
While I do not indulge in a lot of junk, a huge issue of mine (which has always been) is just not eating or drinking at all.  And that plus not moving is a recipe for disaster.
So I have goals.
I just need more sunshine.
Hey, I bought a pair of legit sneakers for the first time in three years so really.
Here’s to more vitamin D, longer days, flowers blooming and long walks on the beach.
And perhaps a few lost pounds.
Thanks for sticking by my side.

Peace to you and yours always and in all ways
t