Disappointment

Disappointment isn't given the credit it deserves.
Disappointment is a terrible crushing, debilitating feeling.
But it takes the backseat to wild emotions like grief, anger, sadness, elation, joy, rage ...

Dude ... disappointment can make your heart as heavy as any death.
It can create a space of void like the blackest of night.  Sometimes I think disappointment is THE worst feeling of all. Because it is kind of in the middle of all the other emotions and does not get spoken about much. It is kind of dismissed like "eh ... yea I am disappointed" 

But to be REALLY disappointed and crushed by someone who has hurt you is beyond all the other feelings. It IS anger, sadness and grief ... but disappointment is a reflection of your efforts as well. 
Did I not do enough? Was I not a good enough friend? What DID I do to deserve that action that was done to me?
You see ... disappointment goes both ways.  The disappointment you feel in the person who disappointed you but also in yourself.  
It is the ultimate double edged sword. Painful going and coming out.
It lingers longer than the other emotions too.  Along with grief, it has stages.  But unlike grief it seems to have no end because there is no closure to disappointment. It always stays there haunting you wondering 
why.
When people hurt us and we cut them out of our lives, we seal the door because we’ve been burned too many times.  Even if a part of us longs to open it and wishes we could have something – anything positive of that person in our life, our disappointment prevents us from doing so because that hurt comes back.  But the tricky thing is you will always long for it. 
Then comes forgiveness and forgiveness is hard ...hard as hell because if you feel disappointed and cannot figure out the real reason someone did what they did ... forgiveness does not come easy. Then it still comes back to ... disappointment. Disappointment in an action, words, inaction, decisions made. 
Anyone who says forgiveness makes your heart feel lighter is lying. Like no one comes out and says it but ...damn lie.  If you CAN come to terms with all the feelings and forgive ... your heart almost becomes heavier because that shit seals the deal. 
Bam! I forgive. But it does not change that the disappointment is still there. Things cannot just be "undone".  If you can forgive,  it can make things more bearable.  But it also makes things more real. 

And even though it hurts. It makes you strong.  It may not be the kind of strength you wanted or expected but there are all kinds of strong. Disappointment strong makes you resilient. Disappointment strong makes you cautious.  Disappointment strong makes you wise.
And that is gonna have to be okay for now.

In short: Set your expectations to zero. Train yourself to accept all outcomes, happily. Do not change those expectations.  Assume you’re wrong about what they’re thinking.  Stay out of their head.  Decide what you want 
based on when you’re old and grey.  Accept the truth and mourn for what you didn’t get.

True story right here. 

Not anymore ...

Unconditional love.
Unseen.
No matter what love.
Unreciprocated.
Hole in my heart.
Whole nevermore

Healing slowly.
Not fast enough.
Lessons taught.
Continuous growing.

Memories remain.
Love unbroken.
Trust broken
Decision remains

There will always be love
There will always be laughter
There will always be lessons
There will always be memories
But there will no longer be me.

Great Nation

"Let us all try to be better than "pretty good". Let us all, one person at a time, try to create a new nation that is great again."
~t

Pretty Good
By Charles Osgood

There once was a pretty good student
Who sat in a pretty good class
And was taught by a pretty good teacher
Who always let pretty good pass.

He wasn’t terrific at reading,
He wasn’t a whiz-bang at math,
But for him, education was leading
Straight down a pretty good path.

He didn’t find school too exciting,
But he wanted to do pretty well,
And he did have some trouble with writing
Since nobody taught him to spell.

When doing arithmetic problems,
Pretty good was regarded as fine.
5+5 needn’t always add up to be 10;
A pretty good answer was 9.

The pretty good class that he sat in
Was part of a pretty good school,
And the student was not an exception:
On the contrary, he was the rule.

The pretty good school that he went to
Was there in a pretty good town,
And nobody there seemed to notice
He could not tell a verb from a noun.

The pretty good student in fact was
Part of a pretty good mob.
And the first time he knew what he lacked was
When he looked for a pretty good job.

It was then, when he sought a position,
He discovered that life could be tough,
And he soon had a sneaking suspicion
Pretty good might not be good enough.


The pretty good town in our story
Was part of a pretty good state
Which had pretty good aspirations
And prayed for a pretty good fate.

There once was a pretty good nation
Pretty proud of the greatness it had,
Which learned much too late,
If you want to be great,
Pretty good is, in fact, pretty bad.