Noooooo way! Yes way!

I love July!  As I said in my last post .... I like to celebrate all month.  July is my bday month and it just signifies summer to me.  I am a Thirty-One consultant (shameless plug here: www.mythirtyone.com/tward) and I have been to conference for two years.  The first year was great! It was in Ohio.  Last year they moved it to Atlanta GA.  Last year was tough.  I didn't let on to anyone at all how uncomfortable I was.  I literally was at my largest last summer.  I had a hard time on the plane, a hard time on the busses and generally just uncomfortable everywhere.  So I was looking back at my pictures from those two years.  Even though I was uncomfortable I still felt pretty and of course have my crazy sparkling personality.
Looking at those pictures.... And ESP putting the, side by side ... I feel embarrassed.  I actually don't want to feel this way but I do.  What happened?  Where did I lose my health?  Why didn't I see how my body was changing?  I can blame it on all kinds of things.  But I won't.  I won't blame it on being lazy cause I wasn't.  I dunno what happened.
I showed the kids a picture of me from JUST last year and they were like "Noooooo way!" That's not you!  Oh way baby ... It WAS me.  I spent all of my twenties and almost all of my thirties ... NOT what I wanted to be.
Don't get me wrong ... I am an awesome wife, a damn good mom and a hard worker.  I am always on the go and I am SO proud of what the huz and I have created together. But physically ...
In my head ... I always looked like I do now.  (Maybe 25lbs less). When I saw myself in my dreams I looked exactly like I do now.  Maybe I really thought I looked that way?  I dunno?
The way I am now physically is the smallest my children has ever seen me.  Why don't they remember the way I looked last year 100+ lbs heavier?  Should I take it as a compliment that people never really SAW my size.  Can I flatter myself and think that my awesome personality made them overlook that?  Hmmmmm?  I maybe think too much.  The weird thing now is when I look at myself in the mirror the image I see is not the image in my head.  I still feel like the big girl I was last year!  When did that whole thing reverse?  Anyway here are some recent pics of me.  First the comparison picture and then a cute one of me the other morning.  My face has NEVER been this thin ... Not even in high school.  It's just weird!

Grrrr....

I have been feeling cranky for the past few hours.
I want something nice and sweet.  I didn't want to post on the WLS group pages because to be honest I don't want to hear how I should go have a glass of water, a suggestion on how to make something for myself that SEEMS like a treat, go do seventy sit ups or reward myself with something non food related.
I just want some good old fashioned ice cream!
I usually get fudgicles but have been out the past few days,  maybe this is why I am cranky cause I usually have one a day.
But still, part of me just wants some FN yummy ice cream.  I have not really tried legit ice cream since surgery.
I don't want ice cream or something sweet cause I am sad, depressed, happy, bored or whatever.  I just MISS the taste of something sweet and yummy.
I want it because I want it.
Because ice cream has always been a favorite food of mine and I like the texture in my mouth.  And its summer and what's better than ice cream in summer.
But part of me also mourns the fact that even if I do eat it ... It is not the same.  Maybe it never will be and that kind of makes me sad.  Like I said in my last post ... Most of the time eating is really not too enjoyable any more.  I get stressed sometimes always wondering if something I eat will cause me to be ill.  Hardly ever do I eat something and it sits really well ...normal... In my stomach.
And like I said ...NO REGRETS HERE ...just a wee little sadness that things may never get back to the point where I feel like I can eat normally.
Tomorrow I am going shopping for some fudgicles!  I hear they are on sale this week!
Peace and love,
-t

What do my wondering eyes do appear ....

I am a bad blogger!  Bad girl! *slaps own hand*
Summer is my absolute favorite season!  July is my favorite month!  It is my birthday month and I like to celebrate all month!  Lol!  My daughters bday is this month too!  My sons Bday is in August so I love August too!  I love everything about summer.  I love the warm sun on my body, working in the gardens, growing some veggies, watching the bees do their thing, swimming in the pool and lighting a nice fire on the nights when they are cool!  I love the smells of summer.  Iced tea, iced coffee, freshly mowed grass, chlorine and sparkling water from the pool!  I am a summer baby through and through!  I am especially enjoying this summer with a new body and some really cool side effects from surgery!  On July 14th, the day after my bday, I will be five months post RNY.  After having surgery I realized losing all the weight ... I was freezing my damn ass off!!  Feb, March and April were rough.  I didn't start to thaw it until about May ...June"ish"!  Now, full throttle in July and amidst a nice little heat wave .... I AM IN MY GLORIES!  One of the lovely side effects (these are all my personal side effects ... Some experience them ..some don't)  turned into a blessing!  I am hardly ever hot!  The freezing I experienced in the beginning has also kept me surprisingly cool so far as well!  Also ... I hardly sweat anymore.  (I was such a sweater pre-op) since I don't sweat ....I don't smell.  Yea yea ...TMI...   But as a big girl I mean hey ... I had areas that just smelled.  I mean ...under my breasts, my belly the back of my knees when I was dripping sweat and ya know ...that area.  I have like NO MORE. Odor.  It is weird.  Real weird ....BUT PRETTY FRIGGIN AWESOME!  At first I thought it was a fluke thing ...but as the weeks went by and it got hotter and hotter ... Still ...no smells.  My pits don't smell!  Yay!  It is pretty amazing!  Not sure what has happened to my body chemistry but I will take it!  I am sure it has to do a LOT with eating lean and clean.  I would say that has a lot to do with it!  I am pretty proud how hard I have been working.  I think about everything I put in my body.  I examine it, scrutinize it and determine its real need.  Is it time to eat?  Am I eating because I am actually hungry?  I didn't really have a problem with bored eating.  But my food choices were not always the best.  I have said that I think about food now more then I EVER did before surgery.  I know that seems kinda backwards but now I don't just put random shit into my body.  I make sure what's gonna go in there is not only going to fuel my body but also give me what I need to be healthy.  I also don't do any artificial crap.  No margarine, no sugar substitute ...no fat free shit.  I do the raw natural sugar, real butter and real sour cream, crea, milk, dressings, etc.

But I gotta be brutally honest here cause it needs to be said.  I do NOT enjoy eating like I used to.  I still get excited to eat things, prepare them, love the smell, and the taste in my mouth but when it hits the belly ....it's not always good.  I would say eight out of ten times something hits my stomach ...it is uncomfortable.  Not in a painful way but not in a nice "aahhhhhh ...that yummy food just hit my belly and it feels good" kind of feeling I had pre-surgery.  I think this is what a lot of people are actually mourning after surgery.  There is no real enjoyment in eating for me anymore.  I can handle it though.  Sometimes it gets to me but more often than not I am fine with it.  I never deprive myself of anything.   Minus soda (or anything carbonated) I basically eat whatever I want ...whenever I want it.  The other day I wanted a dough boy.  I had a bite, tasted it in my mouth, chewed it and was satisfied with that.  I got the urge NOT to swallow it and spit the doughy goodness out.  This seems kinda gross but sometimes I find myself doing this.  I just wanted the actuall taste in my mouth ... But the thought of that gooey ball of dough in my wee pouch kinda grossed me out.  So I spit it out and surprisingly was content with having had that bite.

Sometimes I feel so blessed with having had this surgery. I have thought several times that this is the way my anatomy "should" have been cause it fits into my lifestyle more.  This is the way I truly feel comfortable eating and doing things.  I am on a nice schedule and I am loving it.

Part of me keeps waiting for something to happen.  Like it is too good to be true.  Don't get me wrong, I do have bad days but there are no regrets at all other than why I didn't do it sooner.

All the female issues I was having seemed to have worked themselves out as well.  I went in and had a D&C and the Endometrial Ablation.  Minimal issues with that as well.  Didn't even need to get the pain med script filled.  I am looking forward to the real possibility of being period-free.

It has been a pretty amazing journey so far and I am super happy!  I find myself smiling more, letting more things roll off my back and generally taking in more of the sights.

Dr. Roye said my bloodwork was AMAZING!  The scale continues to go down everyday but more importantly my body thanks me everyday by waking up everyday and feeling amazing.  A lot of. My chronic pain has gone away as well.  All the feet, ankle, lower back and pelvic pain is pretty non-existent now.  

The only thing I really have to work on now is the whole exercise regimen thing.  I FN hate exercising and going to the gym is just not happening.  I have to be honest with myself.  But I know I have to get motivated soon to get more actual finess in.  It is a work in progress.

Thanks for reading and be happy!

Peace and love!

~Tami

Just a quickie!

Just wanted to come on and post a pic of a special moment.  Last year I was at my highest weight ever in my life!  Even more then when I was 9months prego (174)

Last spring 2012 I weighed 278 ... A few days ago I weighed 178! 

I wanted a picture cause sometimes I cannot believe it!

I am a lazy blogger and promise to write a very long blog soon about what's been going on in my nutty world!

For now ... Here's the big moment caught on camera!