Bless and Release

I am not sure who reads this blog.
Sure, I can see traffic but I do not know who comes here.  I do this blog for me but also for others who may be going through some of the same things or who I can help relate.
I touched upon what this post is going to be about a little on my Facebook but Facebook is not the place for all that.
I have had a seriously tough year.
But recently it has been I have fallen out of the good graces of a few people. To no reason known to me.  Reaching out has been met with a curt manner.
Let's talk about two sides.
I have feelings too and no it is not always about me.  I have written posts on that too.  But when it feels painful when you are reaching out to someone you respected and thought a friend and are met with a curt attitude ... how can that not hurt? How can that not feel about you?
When I am in a bad space I depend upon my friends.  I tend to withdraw often into myself.  When friends reach out to me I feel blessed.  If I just cannot deal I always thank them for checking in and assure them I will reach out to them if I need anything.
This is normal no?
I have recently reached out to a few that do not seem to want anything to do with me and ....
Right ....maybe it IS NOT ABOUT ME ... 

But believe me we ALL are selfish. No one wants to say it but it is true.  It is human nature to protect yourself, feel for yourself, heal yourself, strengthen yourself ... human nature.
It IS about you because that is how we perceive the world through OUR own thoughts and senses. As humans we are capable of empathy, sympathy, compassion.  Our first knee jerk reaction is to "feel" through our own feelings.  Then we assess the situation and see if it requires other feelings ... usually the 
feeling of putting ourselves in someone's else's place.  Some are better at this than others.
In my recent post on FB I had stated that I genuinely wish no malice on anyone.
I know there are those who may or may not believe this.
But I am serious ... I am done trying to figure out why people do things they do.  It hurts me not knowing why or wondering what I did wrong to him or her or them or whatever.
It makes my heart ache to not have answers.  It hurts even more when those answers are probably never going to be answered.
I literally want peace.  I have made decisions and I am living with those decisions. I have a hard line.
Everyone's hard line is different.
My hard line is my kids.  If you hurt one of my kids then that's where the line is.
You get no more chances after that.
You can break my heart, leave me, break your promises, not show up, talk shit, make up stories about me ... but when you hurt one of my kids ... done.
I have made decisions and lost friendships.
But what am I showing my kids if I allow someone to keep hurting me and then keep them in my life?
Sometimes I am sad.  I live with it.
I have no malice towards those though.
Every single person who has come into my life has given me a gift.  I have memories of wonderful times of those friendships and I will always treasure them.
People change. Paths change. Friendships change.... for all 
kinds of reasons.
Especially living in the smallest state in the United States ... there is almost five people on a daily basis I recognize just going out to the grocery store and not even in my own city! It is crazy.  So we all have to learn to live with one another. 
The thing that hurts me the most is the closure.  The what-if do not bother me as much because if I make a decision, especially if it was based on my hard line, I am going to stick by it.
I just wish I knew the whys ... the whys hurt the most.
Again, human nature, all about me ... and anyone who says they do not think about themselves first is lying because that is self-preservation all the way back to our ancestors. Ya know the whole give the oxygen to yourself first before you help others.  You are best to reach out and help others when you are in a good space yourself.  Hell, I have reached out to others to offer help when my life was a shit show because I genuinely care ... a lot of good that did me.

But I have learned through maturity, therapy, modern medicine and LOTS of reflection and meditation ... I have learned to bless and release.  But I do not feel others have.
And that is okay.  Like I also said in my FB ... everyone who knows me knows where to find me. I have a porch for sitting and crying and talking.
I have had lots of disagreements on that porch. I have had lots of love and laughter on that porch.
I am sure there will be many more.
But if you ever find yourself in a situation such as this at least give the courtesy of letting people know the "why". 
It makes a difference. But for now the WHYs just sit on the shelf and I walk on in my life fostering and cultivating the things that I can to stay healthy.
And I hope others do the same with a free heart.

Peace always and in all ways.
True story folks

I got it ...

It's a shame you used your silence
To tell me what you meant
Your words are your currency
And you left yours unspent
No cash in your pocket?
No withdrawal from the bank? 
No loose change in the sofa?
I got the hint.  Thanks.

I learned that those who do not look for you, do not miss you and do not care for you.
That destiny determines who enters your life but you determine who stays.
That truth hurts only once and a lie hurts every time you remember it or hear it.
There are three things in life that leave and never return:
Words
Time
Opportunities

Therefore, value whoever values you and don't treat as a priority whoever treats you as an option.

True Story folks

Wonder

I wonder if you wonder
How I am
How we are
What I am doing

I wonder if you wonder
What I am dreaming
What I am wondering
If I am hurting
If I am healing 

I wonder if you know
How deep the hurt is
How deep the love is
How out of reach the peace is
How hard it is for my heart

I wonder if you are 
Mad
Sad
Nostalgic 
Hurting too
If you care at all

I wonder if you remember
How I was there when no one else was
How I never wanted anything in return
How confused I am 

I wonder if you wonder that I am wondering about you
And how I wish things could be different
Played out differently
Thought about more
Thought through more


I wonder if you miss
The long nights laughing
The catch phrases 
The unconditional love when no one but me would 
Give it
The words of loyalty
That were dismissed so easily

I wonder if you forgot
The promises
The ocean
The summers
The journeys

I wonder too much if you are wondering
Because what we had was wonderful
I wonder if you miss it
I wonder ...

Human Nature

You know what makes me sad? Like SAD to the core.
People who want to make other people sad.


Simple. People who have NO IDEA what is going on in another person's life but do things to either deliberately or passive aggressively MAKE someone sad.
That's fucked up.

It is human nature to want someone to be sad if you feel you have been wronged. Or wish "he/she would get theirs coming to them" or brush it off with the whole "what goes around comes around thing" 
And I get the whole .... "oh by showing that person it affects you ... it gives them power" bullshit.
I get it.
Like in my last post "I will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me" 
And it is also human nature to think it is always about you because as humans we are selfish and not always in a bad way but in a way where we want to protect ourselves from feeling hurt so we seek reassurance or acknowledgement from others.
BUT also human nature .. it hurts. It down right fucking hurts my heart. People who you have respected, loved, cherished and maybe even still DO and always WILL ... do something to hurt you.
Human nature to feel like shit. 

And of course you may think it is about YOU and has NOTHING to do with you.
Human nature ...again ... we all have insecurities (duh ... human!) and if there was hurt there it will resurface.

There are days when you can fight billions of years against evolution but chances are ... it will be impossible.
And if it IS about you and you, give yourself time to grieve and cry and be sad and have it affect your mood no matter how strong you are .... that is OKAY. 
BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN.

BUT I ALSO choose to release after I am done crying.
Breathe after I am done screaming inside.
Relax after clenching my fists in anger.
Find my happiness that is always around me after my heart has been sad.

I do not call out those who hurt me for saving them and respect for them .... and love for them.
Not because I am afraid.
I never truly hate anyone for anything they have done.  
I prefer honesty and respect in return but I do not always get it.
And that is OKAY too.
Some ... I still love and will forever.
But life moves in different ways.  It ebbs and flows. 
I choose kindness.  I choose a light heart.
I choose to be human.

Jedi Level

“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ~ Oscar Wilde

An overwhelming majority of the bad decisions I’ve made in my life were impulsive. These bad decisions or mistakes weren’t errors of faulty logic or useless reflection. They were avoidable mistakes in moments when I was unwilling or unable to manage strong negative or positive emotions.

I have a mantra that I use that comes from my weight lose support group, TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) 

It goes like this:

"I will control my emotions and not let my emotions control me"

Wow, that is a powerful statement! 

I want to master my emotions. I want to use them appropriately and while a lot of this comes naturally as we mature ... I kind of want to speed up the process.  I am also impatient which is making things more difficult.  I KNOW I am capable.  

Life is an amazing evolution of stages.  We have specific times in our life ... infancy, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age and elderly.

We do not know what life has in store for us and depending on your own personal belief system, you are, to a degree, able to control what and how things happen.  

It is all about choices. 

Choices involve emotion.  Emotions involve feelings.

And feelings are messy.

Feelings can be like ..... mess your life up messy! 

But do they have to be? 

I go through stages of "I care too much and think to much about past decisions and their repercussions and my daily mood is controlled by it" and "I just have no fucks to give"

I feel like there is no happy medium.  I am making a promise to myself that "I WILL control my emotions and NOT let my emotions control me" 

I need to find that happy medium.

Here are some I don't care statements that I have come up with as a way to release some things that are controlling my life right now.

• I don’t care what people think of me (there opinions are none of my business)
• I don’t care what other’s expect of me (I’m doing my best!)
• I don’t care that people think I am too sensitive (it's a gift AND a curse and I am working on it!)
• I don’t care if someone doesn't see from my perspective ... not my issue
• I don’t care that people do malicious things to get me riled up
• I don’t care…. That I don't care

Those who will love and respect you enough to let you be will remain in your life and those who will not be able to bear not being able to manipulate you anymore will leave. And if they do not leave peacefully ... that is not your problem, it is theirs. 

I am sure this journey will not be easy.  I have this mind that races all the time about decisions I have made and this damn heart that cares too much almost ALL of the time but just like learning anything else I am sure if I train, work hard and stay consistent and stay the course, I will be an avid student in taking control of my emotions. 

I want to be like Jedi level.  

May the force be with me.

Open Mouth ... Insert Foot

I ALWAYS TRY to do the right thing.
I almost always somehow end up doing the wrong thing (despite my best intentions) 
But I never do NOTHING.

MAYBE I should consider that option.

It is no secret that I am opinionated.
It is no secret I am stubborn. 
It is no secret that I am strong-willed, strong, wild, a bit radical, a bit Willy-nilly and a free thinker. 


This often gets me into trouble.
All those things above can be seen as positive traits or negative ones.  It all depends on how they effect your life.  
I don't feel like I am a rule "breaker" per se but I have always questioned why.  Not to be a smart ass but to just either know for my own curiosity or to grow or hey what the hell ... just because.  


That kind of shit gets me into trouble as well.

As I have gotten older I have simmered down quite a bit.  But as I have gotten older I am also beginning to realize that I may have to simmer down a bit more. 
People do not LIKE to be challenged.  People do not LIKE to be questioned ... even if YOU feel like you are right.
Does not even matter. 

You can be right or you can be happy.

Some think this is part of "growing up" of becoming "wiser" of becoming more of a "team player".
When I am passionate about something I tend to get emotional.  When I feel like my motives are being questioned I get a wee bit bitchy.
I know in my heart I am not a malicious, belligerent, disrespectful person. Everything I do, every decision I make ... I do with thoughtfulness, as much kindness and as much forthinking and intelligence as I can. 
Am I still learning ...sure.
But a piece of me wants to fight for things I feel passionate about or when I feel I am not being heard or when I feel my character or motives are being challenged. 

Because I do not play like that. 

I am not here to be a shit stirrer, a rule breaker or a trouble maker.
I am here to grow, learn and do some good hopefully before I leave this space suit. 
Well I am brushing up on my communication skills, my emotional responses and over all bitchines.  Some who know me that read my blog are saying "oh snap .... about time" 

And then there are some who may be saying "um ... that's kinda why I dig you" 

You cannot make all the people happy all of the time  
and not even some of the people happy some of the time. 

You can be right ... or you can be happy. 

True fucking story right here folks.