Wild Wind

I have some time to reflect on a few things.

The hardest part is deciding on what to reflect upon in the first place.

Ever have a time in your life where you feel like you are on auto pilot, crushing shit left and right and making things happen? 

Then it is crash and burn ...

What the wha ? 

What the wha ? 

Ever feel like you feel confused and not sure why? 

It is unsettling to say the least. Sometimes I think I am the only one to experience these things and I have to remind myself I am not. 

I have to remind myself that it is all a process.  I am always learning.  I can choose to grow and move forward into progress or move backward into safety. 

Backward is safe, comfortable and cozy.  But you can get stagnant there.

Forward is growth but it is scary, uncomfortable and unpredictable.

But you have to want to move forward. 

And the reality of it is that sometimes you just want some freaking peace and quiet and for everything and everyone to just be still.

Reflection. 

The wild wind will blow.

Stay in the nest or learn to fly.

Sometimes you do not realize the value of a moment until it becomes a memory

Nana

I lost my Nana when I was fourteen.
She was everything to me.  Today marks 28 years without her sassy attitude. Her cantankerous personality and her sweet, delicious homemade Italian sauce.
I try to remember a lot about her but as the years go by, I wonder what are real memories and what are ones that I have made up in my own mind from stories told of her to me.  She was a no nonsense type of woman.  She was a realist.  She did not sugar coat anything. She told it how it was and if you didn't like it then too bad.
I wish I had her in my life longer. I wish she could have seen the woman I have become and the family I have created.  I wonder what she would think of me.
I would have liked to have asked her advice on so many things.  I would have loved to listen to more of the stories she told.  I would have loved to have spend more years watching Wheel of Fortune, Highway to Heaven and The Golden Girls.
I wonder what she would have thought about computers, tablets,  technology.
I wonder what she would have thought about the husband and the kids. 

I miss our chats. I miss our card games.  I miss our dinners together and our TV nights. 
Nana, I hope I have made you proud. 
I wish I was there for you that day. 
But you are in my heart everyday you crazy old Italian lady.
Give 'em hell wherever you are and don't take no shit from nobody.

~t

Staying True because there is No One more Youer than You

I cannot change who I am.
And I will not for anyone.
I worked hard to become someone I like ...no ... love.
I have been through some shit. I do not hide who I am for anyone. I cannot pretend to be anyone but me.
It is about to get ugly up in here people so turn away if you do not have the stomach for it.  Turn away because this is MY space. MY domain.

I have seen domestic violence. Domestic abuse. Sexual abuse. I felt it. Verbal abuse. I heard it. Mental abuse. I felt it. From the past. All in the past. I am a survivor ... amongst survivors.
I recall it. I smell it, feel it, experience it. Like yesterday, like today. In my dream, my nightmares, my awake life.
Every. Single. Day.
I do not hide it.  I wear it all.
If you ask, I will tell you because every single thing I have experienced has made me who I am.

I am kind.
I am compassionate.
I am smart.
I am worthy.
I am competent.
I am fierce.
I am sassy.
I am solid.
I am loyal.
I am protective ...
And most people would not have me any other way.

I am also stubborn.
Moody
Angry
Tired
Weary
And most people would not have me any other way.

Because most people who know me know I am pretty damn genuine.
I am pretty much what you see is what you get.

Lately I have been through a lot.  Both personally and professionally.
I have learned a lot in a very short time and my brain is literally fried at the things I have experienced in the past five years.  A lot more fried from the past two.

I have always loved watching the way people behave. Why they behave the way they do. What are their motives?
Ever since I was a young girl I remember looking at people's expressions.  I used to love to read expressions, watch people interact with other people.  The main reason I got into psychology was because of my natural ability to understand and empathize and sympathize with people.

I was proud of this.
My instincts were usually spot on.
But the past few years have tested me.  I have made some shitty predictions.  Stupid observations. I have put myself on the line and it has come back to bite me in the ass.
I have always prided myself for being an optimist. Always was proud that I could find the best in people, not judge, not be naive.  I always give people my best. I always hope and keep the faith that in the end people will always do the right thing.

Maybe my superpowers are gone.  Maybe I am old.  Maybe it is time to really take these rose colored glasses off.  I used to think people saw it as a refreshing attribute that I seemed not "tainted" by the "real world". Even though, fuck off, I have lived the real world just like anyone else ... just in a different way.

But recent events have really hurt me.  I am at a total loss as to what to do.  I am clueless and surprisingly speechless.  I feel poisoned.  I feel betrayed. I feel like I did something wrong when I know I did not. I feel confused.  I feel tired. I feel exhausted. I feel like I got a spanking.

And that shit does not sit well with me.
 I know I deserve better.
I know I am worth it.

I can sit back and be bitter. But that is not in my nature.
Maybe twenty years ago I would wrap the Rambo material on my head in true "They drew first blood ... Not me" fashion and be ready.

Fuck that.  I am too old for that shit.  I am not about that.
I want to be happy.  I want peace.
This isn't high school and I am not walking into the woods ready for a fight.
Nor do I choose to roll over and lick myself in sign of submission either.

I am just too exhausted.  My heart aches and I am tired. I am tired of learning the same shitty lessons over and over. Apparently I am a slow learner or just slowed down.  Whatever the case is ... I get it.

So I am gonna chill.
I am going to go back to that little girl who loved watching how other people behave.  Watch how other people play out the scene.
I cannot be anything else but me.
Take it or leave it.
I worked too damn hard to get here.
I have the scars and the stories to prove it.
Pull up a chair in the sun .... grab a coffee ... sit on the porch and join me.

I got all day.

Value

Disappointment, Mattering ... Value.
See a theme here people? 
These are real life things. Things that not too many people talk about. 
Things that feel like shit to talk about.  When someone lets you down. When someone breaks your heart. When someone turns out to be something you were not expecting. When your character is challenged. 
It is hard and frustrating. 
It is not easy for some people to handle this. We assume people are able to "handle" things when they reach a certain age. Not cry when they are hurt. Not lose their temper when they are angered.  Not be confrontational when they are challenged.
But some people are passionate.  So passionate about what they do and who they are that when that shit is being questioned, even constructively, it hurts.
And you cannot expect that hurt to go away over night. Time fixes those things.  
Do not assume that if you have moved on that they have or vice versa if they have moved on and you have not that there is something "wrong" with that.
Processing speed for emotions is different for everyone. 
Sometimes when we look back and reflect on situations that have happened in our lives we replay them and look for what we missed, what we could have done differently, what would have made a better outcome.

Value for me is being genuine. Being honest. Being kind. Letting my ego take a backseat when I may be wrong. Being loyal.  Being a good listener.  Being a good friend. 
Being a good person. 
Looking at things from different perspectives. 

It is said that a person who truly values you would never put themselves in a position to lose you.

True Story ...

Finding my place

There's something to be said about being in the loop. 
And just as much to say about falling out of the loop.

Here is my ... I do not give a fuck face.

A loop is just a fancy way of saying noose ...
And you know what happens with those.

~t