Welcome to the Real World

I hate that saying about as much as ...

"Welcome to motherhood..."

"Welcome to the teenage years ..."

"Welcome to hell ... " 

And

"What's the plan for dinner ..."

As if the past eighteen years spent as a stay at home mom I DIDN'T know what the "real" world was like.  I know the people who say this are usually saying it in jest but underneath hmmmmm they really mean ..."welcome to the hell of punching in and punching out, answering to someone else for your actions, being responsible to be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be there or there will be consequences, paying the man, and/or being (possibly not everyone is) miserable for the rest of your life and begging for Friday to get here for those two days of freedom"

I get it.

Or apparently I don't.

But that's okay.

In MY REAL WORLD I have dealt with shitty diapers, vomit, snot, tantrums, diagnosis', grief, countless doctors appointments, prescriptions, finding out who is there for you and who is not, heart ache, loss, finding clever ways to make money for my family, helping raise other people's children, being a good friend, a good wife, the best mom I can be, Autism, depression, anxiety ....

Nah ....that's nothing like the REAL world.

The WORKING world.

But I am about to find out.

And I am ready to take it on like everything else in my life .... With optimism and rose colored glasses which can be a blessing or a curse depending on how it fits into this new job. 

I am helping kids, I am putting my degree to work ...what more could I want.

Let's DO THIS! 

BRING IT ON BABY! 

The Fourtieth Summer

***I published this ... Then unpublished it a day later.  I was afraid of what people may think or who may think what ... Today ... I don't give a flying shit. This is my blog ... People come here at their own free will.  They can choose not too ... So I am posting this and keeping it.  Because it is real and it is me.
I made a decision today.
I am proud of it.
I am owning it.
I KNOW NOW ... I have come out different ... Better.  I found out that to some people ... Some things are just not worth fighting for ... It's not important enough to them to put up a fight for something that was always an unconditional constant in their life no matter what.
So I made the decision of not wanting to always be the one fighting or reaching out.  I have given all of myself.  I know that in MY heart.  All things begin and end for a reason.
So now it's ended. 
And I am beginning.

Read on.  It is what it is. 


This last summer of my fortieth year has been by far the worst ever.  I found out what it feels like to be dismissed ... And ultimately replaced.  In the blink of an eye.  I found out what it felt like to invest your heart into something so deeply and then have it torn apart.  I guess I was due.   I mean maybe I should feel happy that I have made it this long.

Maybe I have been spoiled ... Lucky, blessed ... However you wanna look at it to have gone this long in my life without this feeling.  

But either way it sucks and it hurts and I don't know how to make it better.

It is a strange feeling.

Like there is a constant invisible string attached to your heart and you turn and see something to remind you and it tugs.  You hear a song and it tugs some more.  You see something out and about and want to share it and it tugs some more.  Because there is no sharing.  It's just a thought and then it disappears. But the string is always there ...always tugging because there are so many reminders all around.  Everywhere.  And they make you smile but then this pain follows and then sadness happens and it is so quick it almost takes my breath away.  It's almost like a death ...an actual death of something.

I have gone through stages of rage, sadness, mourning, self-doubt, more rage, simmering anger, sadness again, self-hate ... But I am still waiting for the pain to subside.  Not my WHOLE day is consumed by it anymore but I can tell you that some days are tough.  Some days I barely want to get out of bed because a piece of me is missing.  And I think no matter what happens after healing ... It will always be missing and never, ever the same.  And THAT alone makes me sad.  How do I deal with that? I am not sure.  

No matter what or how it is looked at ... I will be seen as being selfish.  For not thinking that perhaps someone else is entitled to happiness but it's not that at all.  

It was never that.  And I may never make it be understood.

So it's a stalemate right now.  A pond with a layer of stagnant mush on top ... Just sitting there. 

I don't know how to move the water, to get the pond circulating again. To create a waterfall because at my core that's who I am.  A person who wants peace, happiness for everyone always and in all ways ....  But there is a part of me is not even sure I want to. Because that's what I ALWAYS do.  I always put myself out there first.  

 I will never invest my heart in that way again.  I am a different person after this summer.  Whether it's for the better or worse remains to be seen.  

I guess we shall see.