First official holiday after surgery

So yesterday was Easter Sunday.  Easter is not a big of a holiday as say, like Thanksgiving or Christmas as far as an eating holiday.  But it has yummy chocolate!  More than the other holidays.  I did not eat one stinking Cadbury mini egg!  Believe it!  I so wanted to but know they are a weakness of mine so I didn't even buy any ... Not even for the kids.

So we go to dinner every year to my dad's.  my step-mom makes yummy pickled hard boiled colored eggs and I had one of those.  I also had a salad, first one since surgery.  Then at dinner, I passed on the rolls, but took ham, asparagus, white and sweet potatoes.  Just a tablespoon of each.  My plate looked full and I wondered, gee, could I eat all that?  The answer, yes, just about all of it.  I felt full, not too full.  Comfortable.  Did I want to eat more, yes ... Did I? No.  Did I feel like I ate too much?  No.

But I was kinda scared because I almost felt like I SHOULD have been sick.  Like I SHOULD have not been able to eat that much just under six weeks out from surgery.  I still stuck to the rule of not drinking before, during or half an hour after food.  This continues to be very hard for me as I always feel thirsty.

I want to be successful on this journey.  I want to be healthy and feel and look good.  I hear and read about others NO WAY being able to eat the things I can right now.  Some still have pain this soon out.  Some can barely keep their protein shakes down.  They are losing faster than me but I am losing at a steady and satisfactory pace according to my surgeon.  Should I be happy?

Of course I am happy but part of me wonders why I seem so different. I have had NO issues with ANYTHING I have eaten.  I have had normal "movements".   I can take all my pills, vitamins and supplements and shakes with no problem.  I always make sure I get in my 60-80 protein in a day.  My water consumption is still a bit lacking but I am working on it.

I was not as happy with my Easter pictures as I wanted to be.  This kinda made me sad.  I want the weight to melt off... Slide off!  I want it to go!  I am impatient!  I see all these pictures of people who look so different after losing 100 or more pounds.  I have 75 more to go.  I want to be there.

I am such a whiner, I know.  In just under six weeks I have come so far!  I am seeing a number on the scale I have not seen in years and years and I am in pants that I have not fit into since high school!

Stop bitching, right?  Well I am emotional as well and I think this is normal.  Just putting it here maybe will let someone else feel like they are not alone.

I just want to use my tool properly because that's what it is ... A tool.  And like any tool, it can be misused!

I don't want to be one of "those" stories.

I want to be a success story.

Late nights o' pondering....

Okay so I have to admit.  Other than having to actually stay awake all night, which usually is not that bad, this job is a pretty good gig!  I just got offered a permenant position of 28 hours and a full pay raise. This means I am no longer getting a "sub" pay.  I am a permenant staff now so I make the big bucks!  Ptthhh!  Not really!  But it did go up a dollar and twenty-five cents more than sub pay.  I don't have to worry about getting hours anymore either.  I am garunteed 28 hours and have the option to pick up more.

I get to sit around, watch TV, blog, play on my iPad!  Not a bad gig.

I do have responsibilities being the low guy on the totem pole.  I work with a young guy who has been here for 3-4 years on this shift.  Surprisingly he has worked this shift alone for all these years.  State regulations have recently changed and they require two people to work overnight.  Some people are upset about it but he has another job that is similar and he said he has always worked with another person on that job and surprised himself it has taken them this long to put another person on shift with him.  So because he has been here longer, he basically "rests" all night!  Lol! I do all the cleaning and stuff.  But I leave at 6AM and he stays until 9AM.  So he does all the documentation and passes all the mess in the morning with the morning staff.  I think it's a fine trade.  I don't mind it.  I don't have much interaction with the guys unless they wake at night and occasionally they do and then, believe me, it makes up for the quiet times of dullness.  They can be a handful.  There are five men in this house, all with varying disabilities.  Emptying urinals and talking down clients so they don't get aggressive is nothing to laugh at.  But we don't have too much of that.  I guess I bring a sense of calmness to the house as my fellow worker says the house is very calm and the men sleep well on the nights I am here.  On the other nights I am not here for some reason there are often problems.  I am not sure why.  And it literally is a home.  Like a regular house like yours and mine.
There are four bedrooms.  Two of the men share a room.  They are the two highest maintenance fellas.  So there is all the comforts of home.  Even have a Keurig here!  Yes!  Lol!

It was the perfect job to go back to after surgery.  I literally can do anything here.  I bring my own food from home but if I wanted to make myself a scrambled egg, I could.  It was easy transitioning back to work here.  I don't have to help any of the guys physically so there was no lifting.  I didn't mop or clean to much the first few weeks back but now I am back in full swing of things.  In the beginning when you get home from the surgery you get so worked up about what to eat, when to eat, what vitamins and supplements you have to take... It can all seems so overwhelming.  Being at work but still in a "home" environment worked out well.  I was only out for two weeks.  And since I was not permanent staff at the time I went out for surgery, I could not collect TDI ( temporary disability for all you non-RI followers) so missing only two weeks pay was not too hard on the bank account.

I feel like I am not where I am supposed to be though.  I mean I don't want to sound ungrateful ... Aw who cares... It's my blog and I can complain and whine and bitch if I want to!  But I went to school and worked hard.  I graduated with high honors, Phi Theta Kappa and Psi Beta!  That shit is no joke!
My children watched me walk the stage, one proud mamma, showing them that it CAN be done!

After I graduated, my entrance into the career world got put on hold. Things got hectic in my life.

So now it has been seven years! Wtf! Like where the hell did all that time go! I am thinking of going back to school. Can I do this shift AND go to school? I am not a young chick anymore! At this time I feel I do HAVE to work to supplement my family's income. Can we live without it? Sure ... But it would be tight ... Like super crazy tight.

But to make more money, I have to get to school. So then I have to get the money from somewhere. Loans ...ugh! ...more loans! I applied for Federal Aid so I guess we will see but the huz mad a damn good income last year so I am not too hopeful.

So all this shit runs through my head at night while I am here at work. It's like a TV that cannot be turned off!

Comfort

I find comfort in routine.  I know the same thing over and over can bore some people.  But I find comfort in it.  I do the same things each day and it give me comfort in knowing the plan.  This has especially helped me since the surgery.

I go to work for 11pm.  Come home for 6:15.  Make the kids lunches.  6:45am I am out the door with one kid.  I come back for 7:00 and get the other one moving.  During this time I feed the chickens and will empty the dishwasher or switch a load of laundry.  Then kid two and I in the car to the bus stop.  Drop off: 7:30.  Back at the house 7:35.  I take my pills and have a little bite to eat before resting my body.  Sometimes I go right to bed depending on how much sleep I got the night before.  But I always get into bed by 10-10:30 at the latest.  The boy comes home by 2:15 and causes quite a ruckus!  Seriously it's like a herd of elephants coming into the house.  Sometimes I lay in bed until about 3 and try to doze off a bit but usually my alarm is set for 2:45.  Then the girl comes home about 2:45-3:30 depending on what after school activities she has.  I spend my afternoon doing various bills, housework, pet care, dinner preparation, etc.  I try to get some form of exercise in at this time as well.  We have dinner around 5:30-6 and the huz and I will try to catch up about our day and any other business of the house or bills we need to discuss.  Sometimes we will watch a show.  Somewhere around 7ish I will lay back down and catch a few hours before starting it all over again.

Thursdays are my favorite day.  I get out of work and do my routine with the kids and then usually do not go to sleep because I do not have to work that night.  I have Fridays off!  This is going to be bitching when the weather gets warmer because after TOPS I will have all that day to come home, do yard work, etc.  I am sooooo looking forward to being out in the sun and in the dirt!

There are some other stuff I tend to stuff in my day but that's about how it goes.  I do not pack too
much into my day for myself or the kids as why add the stress?  I know it is good to have the kids involved with stuff and the boy is going to start up his children's recreation program again in the next month or so.  And the girl has scouts on Tuesday nights.  I just see so many families with their days so packed that really ... What is the point?  What's so wrong with staying home as a family?  We eat together  at dinner, we talk, the kids do their own thing and play in their rooms.  They play games, read, watch TV.

It seems like there are some families that are never home.  Damn!  I pay a mortgage!  Get outside and enjoy your property!  Lol!  Stay inside and enjoy your home!  You are paying for it!  I love it in the nice weather when the kids are running around outside.  Riding their bikes, roller blading, swimming in the pool, playing with the dogs.  And sometimes (if I pay them) helping me in the yard or the gardens.  It is their home too and they like to help out and when they don't ... Hey money talks baby!
 Lol!

I try not to get too upset when things fluctuate.  I try to bend with it... Go with the flow but I have noticed over the years I have become less and less spontaneous.  Not to sure if this is necessarily a bad thing.  I am a creature of habit.  I think we all are and that's not such bad thing is it?  I think it keeps me grounded.  I like the feeling of knowing what is going to happen and when for the most part.  I think it is what keeps me focused especially on my plan to a healthier life.

Since before WLS I have been preparing meals and snacks ahead of time and putting real thought into what I and the family is eating.  When you have a plan and things available to you to implement that plan it makes sticking to your goal much more attainable.  The weekends are a little bit more willy nilly.

Saturday mornings I work from 8am-2pm. Sometimes the huz works Sat nights but lately not too often. So we hang out or go shopping for the week.

I also find comfort in the FB WLS support group and a few blogs I follow that helped me tremendously before surgery AND after.
They are:
http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/
http://www.mygastricbypassstory.com/

http://www.meltingmama.net/
http://www.thatfatchick.com

As well as my favorite funky girl I follow on YouTube, Jenna. Her YouTube name is: herecomestrouble88
She just had reconstructive surgery. She got her breasts and tummy done! She looks amazing!

I was thinking about making a video or two but I know I won't like it. I am more of a writer. But videos can be fun too. We'll see.

I never really felt I used food for comfort so I don't feel like I needed to change too much in that area. As I mentioned in one of my other posts. I used sleep and retail therapy for comfort! Lol!

Off to do some chores!
Peace!
~ T

I am adding a picture of me and the big guy at the end here cause I think I am in love with this picture!

Being a little different

I have to admit right here right now ... I am a picture whore at heart!
I LOVE fashion!  I love pictures and how they look!  I, myself, as mentioned in a previous post am NOT photogenic.
BUT I have always wanted to be.
Seriously.  I LOVE clothes, shoes.  I love steam punk pictures and that fashion.  I love the Victorian era when women wore all kinds of corsets and beautiful dresses.  I love medieval clothing and one day WILL dress up for King Richards Fair!  I made myself a corset once.  I looked awesome. 
BUT .....
I was always fat.  I mean it is what it is.  I still felt beautiful but ... there is always a stigma when larger people dress up.  It is hard to be different when you are already different because you are overweight.  I mean really, skinny people can dress up in a cheap pirate costume and be gorgeous.  But if a over weight person does ... we are being cheap and costumey.
This is a tough world and it is hard to be different.  And when you are fat ... it is harder.  Because people think we have NO right to "try" to dress cute.  Try to be different.
I have always had a funky side.  I always wanted to dress retro and be cool and funky BUT all my life there were never any clothes to support my funkiness and when I have in the past ... it is looked at as me trying to be silly or funny.  
I would NEVER judge anyone who wants to be different with their clothes or hair.  I LOVE creativity and funkiness and fun!  I don't care what size you are ... everyone has a right to do whatever the hell they want with their bodies, faces, clothes, hair, jewelry, etc.

One funky girl inspired me on YouTube while I was researching the surgery.  Her name is: herecomestrouble88
She was so cool and funky before surgery and she is cool and funky now after surgery.  She is real and she puts the shit right out there.  She even had a video session after a dumping episode and  had us experience it with her.  How she felt, how much it sucked and what NOT to do.  I think it is awesome that we can learn from videos like this.  She is wacky and fun!  (she is a little rough around the edges so don't watch her if you cannot handle that!)
I love her and plan on sending her a note soon letting her know!

Anyway ... I also mentioned in a past post that my weight has not really inhibited me from doing much in my life.  But it has inhibited my sense of style.  My self of funkiness.  I am SO looking forward to experimenting with some things.  My first being wigs! LOL!  OMG ... wigs have SUCH SUCH a stigma.  AND TOO bad because they are awesome.  I have all these things inside me that people don't know about and one is ... I LOVE WIGS>  I think they are awesome and if worn right can totally change who you are for a day!   THESE DAYS, WOMEN HAVE FAKE BOOBS, HAIR COLOR AND EXTENSIONS, NAILS, AND VARIOUS OTHER IMPLANTS SO WHATS SO BIG ABOUT FAKE HAIR?

Wigs have gotten a bad rap due to what I refer to as prior "wig abuse".  It usually went hand and hand with excessive blue eyeshadow and a big foundation line around the chin. 
But things have changed and wigs along with women have come a long way baby.

 The truth is that many gastric bypass patients will lose hair.  Some lose a LOT and some loose a little.  YOU never know until it starts happening apparently.  Luckily I have pretty thick hair and I am not too worried about losing some hair.  BUT my hair may never be the same and that is something I may have to face.  Now am I saying that I am going to go all NUTS and wear wigs all the time? No ... but so what if I DID!  The WHOLE point of this blog is I guess this ...

Let's embrace difference.  People who truly love me are gonna be supportive of whatever I do, however I dress ... etc.  They of course are going to KNOW that its not my real hair and sometimes after knowing someone for so long and seeing them a certain way can be kinda strange in the beginning.  
*side note ... my son did NOT like the wig.  BUT he has Asperger's so anything from the norm suddenly is upsetting to him. My daughter thought is was awesome and took a picture and sent it to a friend of hers and her friend sent back that she LOVED my hair! LOL!  Her friend had never seen me before.  Hailey was like Thanks ... its a wig! LOL!  She was amazed and said she would have never known!  DH could care less either way he just wants me to be happy and knows I am a whackadoo anyway.*

I mean if I go super funky and get like those super colored ones then obviously people will KNOW its a wig ... BUT SO WHAT!?!

I love me and part of loving me is just doing what makes me happy.  People are going to judge one another no matter WHAT we do anyway.  It is human nature.  Just keep it to yourself if you cannot be kind.  Because you don't have to live my life like I don't have to live yours.  And I am an awesome, strong, beautiful woman ... 

Here are some pictures of me and my wig.  I could have tightened the whole look up but it was my first "real" wearing of it.  I know when you do wear a wig you have to make sure the "whole package" is there and in the future if I explore my wig/fashion obsession I will get better at it.


XOXO 
~T

I personally think I look AWESOME in the second one!  I like the soft smile on my face.  The third one ... well I was just being a frickin nut! LOL!

Normalcy ... ahhhhh ... feels pretty frickin' awesome!

So to celebrate my "hitting my day I got married weight day" ... LOL!  I decided I wanted to have a bit of ol' school normalcy today.
I made a cup of coffee.
YUP!
I have not had a REAL cup of coffee in the morning while relaxing at my computer since way before the surgery.
It ... FEELS ... GOOOOOOOOD.

Here I am!  Morning bed head and my Rosie the Riveter cup of Joe!  YES!
 

It's like getting married all over again! WITH myself! LOL!

SO I woke up this morning and LO and BEHOLD ... the scale produced a number I have not seen in 17 years!  
I was married to the DH (Darling Husband) 17 years ago this upcoming October.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I felt SO beautiful and my pictures reflect how much I felt that way and I was absolutely BEAMING!
I am not usually a super photogenic person but MAN this day was amazing and I could not get my face in enough pictures! LOL!
I felt amazing!  I weighed myself that day ... I was 222 lbs.  Today ... SEVENTEEN years later ... I weigh that again!
Since last November I have lost 46 lbs.  Since last year sometime at my highest I have lost 56 lbs! 
WHAT?  It is SO amazing that I cannot even express how much ... well ... amazing it is!

So I am posting some wedding pictures here.
DAMN I was gorgeous! LOL!

My next goal is to get into the 100's.  
Then my final goal will be to be the weight I was when I met DH.  
That weight was 164 lbs.  My lowest weight I would like to reach would be 150 lbs.

Life is full of baby steps.
And I intend to fully celebrate ALL of them!

XOXO

I'm melting ....... Meeeeeeelllllttttiiinnng!

So I got on the Wii fit today.  My little Wii fit board character tells me I have not been on the Wii fit for 11 days!  OMG!  Time went by so quickly!  I have not been on the Wii as much since getting the elliptical.  So anyway I get on it and didn't expect much change.  But apparently I lost six pounds in those eleven days!  Whoa!  My little Wii friend was pleased I met my goal in less than the allotted time (10 lbs in less than a month, i was one week from the deadline) BUT he warned me that I had lost too much too fast!  Lol!  Apparently he didn't know about my WLS!  Lol!
So I set another goal of ten more pounds in a month from today. But that goal was "not healthy" according to Wii board.  He suggested 2lbs a week which would be eight pounds one month from now.  I can ignore his warning and I did.  So in one month I want to lose another ten pounds.  My BMI also went from 37.24 to 36.15 so not too shabby.
I had a few days where the scale did not move at all!  I was kinda pissed.
But now it seems to be moving along.  I am only four pounds away from what I weighed 17 years ago when I got married to my husband!  I am going to celebrate that day!  That weight is 222lbs!  Then next celebration will hopefully be glorious ONE-derland!
THAT will be a glorious day I have not seen since I don't know when!  It is amazing to me that when I hit ONE-derland I will only be fifty pounds short of my goal!  Man ... That blows my mind.

*********************************************************************************
So I guess this post will be kinda twofold.  Today I was apparently grazing and the hub said something.  Now I know he didn't say it as a malicious thing at all ... But it got me wondering about how I feel about letting everyone know I have had the surgery.  He said "it seems like you are snacking an awful lot today" and ya know what ... He was right.  I didn't seem to be eating on my "regimented" way I had been up until this point.  So kudos to him for paying attention but I got to wondering.  This is something I had been wondering since getting the surgery.  Am I going to get scrutinized for everything for every thing I put in my mouth?  Are people gonna be hanging back at parties and thinking ... Hmmm should she be eating that?  It is in people's nature to judge I don't care what you say.  And when you are fat, there are always judgements because our fat is out there for all to see.  We cannot hide it.  People assume also because we are fat... We are lazy as well.  We obviously have let ourselves go by sitting around and packing ourselves with Oreos.  Now I am not saying that bad choices did not get some of us here, that is certainly a part of some.  I know throughout my twenties I spent so much energy starting my family I just didn't think about myself.  I gained 64lbs during my pregnancy with my son.  After he was born I lost about 40lbs of it and actually became quite fit getting up to bench pressing 225lbs for three.  My legs were so strong as well and I could squat some serious weight.  I had grown men's eyes popping at the gym and the hub got comments like "that's your wife dude!" Lol!  Then when my son was about 22months I got pregnant with may second child.  I was determined to not gain as much weight with this one and kept my weight gain at a fairly healthy 31 lbs.  My daughter followed in her brothers footprints weighing in at a whopping 9lbs.  My son was 9lbs 5 oz.  I nursed her for 12 months and all that baby weight came off fast!  But I still had that extra 20lbs or so after my son lingering.  Then who the hell knows what happened.  I did get lazy.  I got depressed and lazy.  My son was not diagnosed with Autism yet (something I knew he had since ALWAYS). I spent my days in guilt over why my son was not able to play with other children.  Why he injured himself.  Why he didn't listen when his name was called repeatedly.  There were school issues.  Maybe I just went day by day just trying to get by.  I remember thinking I was feeding them well.  I remember thinking I may be getting overweight .... I remember thinking I should do something to find a better way to fit proper nutrition and exercise in my life ... But I also remembered that I was exhausted.  Exhausted from trying to figure out the puzzle of balancing a stay at home mom life while my husband worked full time, part time and went to school part time.  I remember thinking and feeling like a single mother for like five years.  So somewhere along the way I think I just lost myself.  I think this happens to a lot of us.  Then a day comes where you look in that mirror or see a picture of yourself and think "Who the hell is that?"
I don't think it was a conscious thing.  I think for many of us it isn't.  Just like life after WLS is a journey so was the journey that lead us here.

This is my time.

Sex ... Fifty shades of something...

Ok here is my disclaimer *back away from this blog if you are a friend or family member and the thought of me and my husband having sex is disturbing to you ... But ya know we did have it at least twice ... That's kinda where kids come from!  Lol*. I only talk about basic stuff here.

You still here?  Oh brother!

No one talks about sex after surgery.  Why?
There is plenty of information about when you should have sex after surgery but nothing about people's experiences with sex after surgery.  There is information about transference addictions like from food to sex ... But nothing about us normal everyday married people who have had the surgery and what their love life is like afterwards in the bedroom.  I wonder why?  Kinda makes you think something is up with that?

Well there isn't.   Speaking of... did you know you can burn 10 calories for every 10 minutes of kissing. (I personally hate kissing but you may like it!). Sex three times a week burns between 7,500-15,000 calories per year. This is the kind of math I like.

Getting ready and mentally preparing myself for surgery took a lot of time and effort.  So the hubby and I didn't have sex like four weeks prior to surgery.  Plus my period has been wacky since I started dropping weight back in December.  We don't have to worry about babies anymore as hubby had a vasectomy back in 2007 "ish".

So when I left the hospital and the instructions said no sex for like four weeks he looked at me with raised eyebrow!  Lol!  OMG!  That would be like eight weeks with no sex for him!  How will he survive!  I saw his face and assured him it would not be that long.

The hub and I have always had a nice healthy love life!  Hey I am not bragging (ok maybe just a little) but we get along quite nicely in that department.  I believe in "wifely duties" lol!  And I keep my man happy even when I don't feel like it and I am sure the opposite is true!  Hell! who am I kidding ... Men ALWAYS want sex!  Lol!  But there have been times when I have been through periods of depression where things slow down a bit.  And he is a super patient and understanding guy.  I don't think we have ever gone past like eight weeks though.  I mean life just gets in the way sometimes.

But anyway.... One week post op ... Yup!  We had a go at it.  I was nervous but all was fine.  The difference I noticed was that I was just generally worried about hurting myself.  But that feeling went away like two seconds in!
But the next week or so I actually started noticing a difference in my body.  Then I had some bleeding (fake period sort of) and I lost more weight.  Then the week after I started noticing that my inner thighs were really starting to look baggy.  Like BAGGY!  Apparently I tend to lose weight there quickly.  So I was starting to feel embarrassed.  I was never really comfortable in my skin... Not because I was fat ... I think just because I was kind of a modest and shy person in the whole love and sex department. I didn't have lots of boyfriends or any real sexual relations before the hub so I always felt kind of inexperienced and weird.  I only started openly passing gas in front of him like five years ago (12 years into our marriage!  Lol!) and thank goodness cause after bypass ya gotta let those babies rip!

Anyway, when I met the hub I was 164lbs.  I had gained over 120 lbs since our meeting more than 20 years ago.  Hubby had legitimate concerns with his half-serious question of "When you lose all this weight are you gonna wanna take off and get wild!"  I know this is a concern of a lot of people.  I know lots of stories of people who lose the weight and become wild and love the attention they are getting now and end up in divorce.  But if you really look back on their relationships/marriages BEFORE the bypass surgery can you say they were happy?  Can THEY say they were happy?  Me and the big guy have been with one another for 20+ years now.  He knew me when I was 164lbs.  I had gained a whole PERSON (albeit a small person, but still). His weight may have fluctuated 20-30 lbs up and down over the years.  Hmmmmm .... Wouldn't I be more worried that he should have left ME by now?  Although even at 164lbs I was no small girl.  So I know he kinda likes thickness.  But I still had to assure him that my personality would not change.
I am a crazy person.  I am confident, out-going, funny, sorta spontaneous (although over the years have become less over the years just due to kids and life in general. I have never let my weight stop me from being pretty much the person I wanted to be. The main restriction was I never got to dress the way I would have liked to show off my personality but I am looking forward to THAT part of my journey in the future I will tell you that!

So last week we were at it again. Lol! I felt kinda weird this time cause now I feel my body is really changing. I went down a whole bra size (and my guy likes boobs!) they feel weird and not firm. I have always had a big bust. At a size 14 and 164 lbs I had a 38D so hey nothing too shabby. I never thought of myself having "fat" boobs and I am pretty convinced that my boobs will never go below a C cup. Which is cool with me. But the feel and shape of my boobs just feel different. They have always been firm"ish" even after nursing my daughter for 12 months. They never went up or down during that whole experience of nursing. I never had perky boobs but now I just have saggy boobs. When I grab them they feel different so they must feel different to him. My skin felt different when he touched me. It felt kinda squishy and this bothered me. I asked if it bothered him and he said no but ya know ... How could it not? Maybe I am just being hyper-sensitive but just four weeks out ... I DO notice a difference.
Now flexibility -wise there is a difference as well! I was a pretty flexible girl even at my heaviest but what I have noticed this LAST time during love making I noticed less tension on my joints and less muscle strain getting into the positions we have come to enjoy. Yay us! Lol!

I guess what my biggest concern is ... Anyone can look good with clothes on. There are push up bras, water bras etc. there are spanks to keep the skin in etc. but when the clothes come off ... I wanna like what I see. And of course, I knew this going in. I am no spring chicken and my skin has not done well with just my two pregnancies so I know I don't have the best genes and/or elasticity for my skin to just bounce back. I am going to try to do all I can to help it along. Water is important I know. And exercise of course but I may just come to a point where nothing will work but surgery and I am not sure I want to or can afford to take that route. I hate pain and I hear the reconstructive surgery after weight loss is pretty FN painful! But we will see. I mean all the exercise in the world will not make my boobs look better. I dunno. I know it is soooo early in my journey and these changes will happen. Over time I will post about it and let ya know. Every month I take pics with just a bra and underwear. Yea ... No one sees those! No one but me and the big guy. I want to keep a record of how my skin behaves over the weight loss as well. I think it's important. And ya know what maybe when I hit my goal I will post them depending. I mean I want people to really, really know what MAY come out of losing such weight so rapidly.

So wrapping it up I guess I want people to know that you may see some pretty fair amount of body change quickly. If you had any issues with the love department before surgery you may want to sit down with your partner and discuss the changes that will take place. Many experience a heightened libido because of less stress on joints and muscles, more energy and basic feeling of more confidence. But some may not like the changes in skin, how their body is changing and worries that their partner may not like it either. Don't keep those worries in. Talk with your lovey and be open. That way it can never be said that you didn't let them know how you were feeling. And if there were other problems in your relationship before surgery ... Getting the surgery is not going to make it better. Get some counseling, talk to your mate and let them know that you are taking this journey to be healthy and you are counting on them to take the ride with you. If you are taking the journey to be healthy I think it should be in all aspects in your life. Makes sense right?
Just my two cents ...and a half!
Love
T

One Month Surgiversary!

March 14th, 2013

SO I am still here! LOL!  I went to my doc on Friday.  Thursday was my one month post op from gastric bypass surgery.  I am feeling pretty darn good.
Doc was beaming that since last December 2012 I had lost 31 lbs.  I looked at him and got all emotional and thanked him for suggesting the surgery.  He was like "I did?"  OMG!  Really?  He laughed though.  I told him last year when I had seen him at my highest of 278lbs he had given me that "look" that had basically told me "Girl ... you need to DO something!"  I told him this and he said he "highly doubts he has a GIRL, you need to DO something LOOK"  He makes me laugh.  He is a good doc.  My blood pressure was awesome (but I never really ever did have a problem with my BP)  He gave me a lab slip for blood work.  I see the surgeon again in two weeks so he said I should do the lab in about a week.  He was very, very pleased and so was I.  I was pleased he was pleased but I did mention to him that I was a bit disappointed in my weight loss.  He was puzzled by this.  I told him I have eaten the most leanest and greenest I have ever in my LIFE!  I should be MELTING away ... literally disappearing! LOL!  He had to remind me AGAIN like most are having to to lately that it has only been ONE MONTH!  It is hard not to compare yourself with others you see/hear of losing like 30lbs in two weeks or some crazy shit like that.  But I have to understand that MY body is different and I had lost like 25 lbs BEFORE surgery.

I am trying SO hard to be patient.  Seiroulsy I am!  I am on the elliptical every day for AT LEAST 15 minutes.  I know its a slow start but that damn thing is HARD ... WAY harder that the ones at the gym  I have decided to cancel my gym membership and use home equipment and hopefully get some financial aid for the YMCA.  I really, really want to use the pool and take advantage of classes and other features there.

There are a lot of other family things coming into play before I can really concentrate on that.
After I see the surgeon in a few weeks hopefully he will clear me to begin my resistance training video I purchased.  I still do the Wii.  I am looking forward to the nice weather for more outdoor activities as well.

I feel good but have to say have had a rough week.  I am not sure what is up but I feel hungry ... like I believe legitimately hungry.  I dunno if this is because my energy level is up and my body actually wants more fuel?  But also I have noticed that when I do eat (even if I do so slowly) I can consume more.  I have about 80 more pounds to go before goal weight.  I know it is going to be slow.  My body likes to take its time apparently and I really am not too upset but I cannot help feeling impatient.   I was at Savers the other day and found some SO cute things.  Then I was looking at the smaller sizes.  It amazes me that anyone who is small could even dress BAD!  I mean there are SOOOO many cute things to wear when you are smaller.  It is just amazing.  Me and my BFF were talking about it tonight how we think we will dress when we are thinner?  I plan on doing some retro-style clothing.  But again ... SO impatient to get there.  I know the spring and summer will be better and I cannot wait.

Anyway ... here are some pictures from my one month out from surgery.
I notice a difference in my side view.  Most people can see it in my face/neck area.  I can notice it in my pants like in my waist and thigh.  My boobs have gone down a cup size and a body size.  I was a 44DDD I am not a 42DD.  Uh Oh ... LOL!
I lost like 2 inches on my arms.  I lost about one and half inch in my waist.  I notice it the most in my butt (which was kinda non existent before surgery) and my hips ad legs.  I notice I move differently. I don't have that much chub rub on my inner thighs when I walk.  I notice when I climb stairs it does not seem as much to lift to get up them.  Little differences that probably no one else notices.  

My skin on my face and all over actually is SUPER dry... I cannot consume enough liquid in a day yet I think to keep my body quenched.  I am working on this every day.  My skin has had some break outs too and I think this is from trying to find the right moisturizer.  I have very sensitive skin and I tend to break out.  I thought I had found one but now my face gets all tingly and rashy after using it.  I had buying stuff and then wasting it.

This Friday I am treating myself with a 90 minute massage from a good friend of mine who is a message therapist.  She is the best and this indulgence is going to make me feel SO good.  I have had a lot of stress (not pertaining to the surgery) and I think i need this.  Plus I am rewarding myself with something healthy for losing what I have so far and keeping on track!  It is going to be glorious!  I also have my eyebrows threaded and they look BEAST!  Next week I am going for a pedicure!  

It's not that I didn't like myself before enough to do these things ... I just think I have been wanting them all for awhile now and I have a nice reason to actually celebrate!  
Hope you are all doing well on your own journeys as well!  
Subscribe or follow me and let me know what you are thinking!
Love,
Tami

It's all good in the hood!
Tomorrows topic SEX one month after surgery!

Why I had the surgery!

My sleep apnea was one of the worst Dr. Roye had ever seen!  Great right?!

In one year I had developed diabetes and GERD

My grandmother died of a stroke at only 54 years old.  That is only 16 years older than I am now.  

I am build JUST LIKE my grandmother.  She had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and I would DEF assume she had sleep apnea and diabetic (she never ever went to the doctors) and she probably had GERD too!

SO ... as to NOT die at 54 years old ....

I decided to take the advice of my very conservative primary doctor and look into the surgery.

The road from there went pretty fast.  From start to finish ... six months. 

This is my Nana taken from me when I was 14 years old.  I wonder if the bypass had been offered to her when she was alive ... if she would still be with me today.  THIS is why I had the surgery.  I don't want my children or grandchildren to wonder these things!

Love affair? ... Denial ... (Isn't that a river in Africa?)

Overall I am super happy about choosing the surgery.  I tend to think my journey is fairly unique as food didn't have a grip over me.  I bet a lot of people say that and sometimes I sit and analyze "Am I just in denial?"  Most people will say well if you reached a point where you were obese ... that means food had a grip over you.  I actually do LOVE food but didn't like to EAT.  I usually only ate when I was hungry.  I had the occasional times where I was like HUNGRY but most of the time I was forgetting to eat.  I had stopped eating fast food about 2-3 years ago and before surgery it was over a year since I had eaten at McDonalds, Wendys or Burger King.  I had noticed the older I had gotten the more these foods did NOT agree with my system and went right through me and cause me serious gastric distress.  I would occasionally get a hard taco at Taco Bell (one of the fam's fav places to stop) but always preferred my own tacos.  We ordered pizza about once a week and I would have a few slices.  Maybe 3?  I was skipping meals, not being active and sleeping a lot.  I had issues with depression but a lot of my issues with that was about money and things I wanted and could not have to make things nicer for my family.  I also have a special needs son with Asperger's Disorder and that has a HUGE impact on how I feel as a mom and that gets me down a lot!  I always feel guilty and sad like I am not doing right by him.  When I became sad, I slept.  When I was happy, I gardened.  When I was depressed, I slept.  When I was celebrateing ... I would spend money I didn't have! LOL! ... I don't think it was ever about food.  

Skipping meals and just generally forgetting to eat and sleeping so much ...  I think THIS attributed a LOT to my weight gain over the years not necessarily food habits.  EATING habits were my issue.   I needed to eat MORE and make better choices but over all the choices for my family were not too bad.  So about a year ago I started making a LOT of changes and I got more serious about September when even making some changes things were not really changing.  I started making sure I always, always ate breakfast.  I made sure I did not skip meals.  I NEVER went back for seconds except for once a week I allowed myself to and one thing I wanted to eat that was a no-no.  I lost 25lbs. pretty quick.  Then I got the letter from the insurance company saying I was approved for surgery.
It was on now.  But that didn't mean I began to slip up.  I found this to be an opportunity to really determine whether I had a "love affair" with food.
I honestly don't think I did. 
This journey was never about being thin.  It was and is always bout being healthy.

I was actually not super unhappy about the way I felt or looked.  This may seem strange to some but I didn't have a lot of issues like I read or hear.
I could tie my shoes and paint my toe nails.  I could fit into a booth at a restaurant comfortably.  I could fit on a plane and in the theater seats.  I could bend, squat, jump and heaven forbid if I had to ... run!
I could garden, walk the dogs for miles, felt pretty damn good in a swimsuit.

I am writing this blog because you don't see many blogs saying that stuff.  I feel my story is different than the typical ones out there on this journey and I want to maybe have someone else feel like they are not the only ones.  Cause right now ... I feel like the only one.

I am SO happy for those who have had the surgery because they felt miserable in their skin AND had healthy problems!  I am SO inspired by them.  But I don't FEEL like I am/was like them.  
I am a super confident person.  I am pretty outgoing (except for my winter blues ugh!) most of the time and I like to think people think I am funny, honest, caring and giving.  I don't have issues with going out and doing things.  Sometimes I have issues with crowds but that has to so with some of my sensory issues like smell and just generally feeling closed in.  But if I am at an outside party ... LET ME LOOSE! LOL!

So I wonder if there are others who feel the same way I do?  I wonder how unique my journey really is?

Well anyway ... here are some of my recent pictures.  I should have taken the plaid shirt off so you could see more.  I think the biggest difference is in the side view.  I have never been a photogenic person ... I am SO much more gorgeous in real life! LOL!
  More will be posted this upcoming Thursday which will be my ONE MONTH surgiversary!

I love you all!
Kisses!

Whoa ... Where has the time gone?!

Soooooo .... Since my "coming home" post ... So much has happened!  I went to my post op appointment with my surgeon AND my dietician.  Both went really really well.  Dr. Roye was SO incredibly busy I didn't get to ask him nearly the amount of stuff I wanted to but after analyzing what I was going to ask I realized it was probably more questions for my dietician anyway.  I was not concerned about anything from the surgery per se.  So he said I had lost 21 lbs since the last time I saw him which was about a month ago (a month before surgery) he said I was ahead of schedule.  I was kinda bummed, though.  I wanted it to be more.  But he assured me that was excellent.  I am
Skied what the usual lost was and he said about 10lbs a month.  I am SO FN impatient!
We set an appointment for a month out. My appointment is earlier in the day next month so maybe the doc won't be so busy :)

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The appointment with the dietician went really well also.  Got to spend a LOT of time there!  Got my cool body print out from the fancy pantsy scale!  I also asked for my past three print-outs as well.  Whoa!  Crazy!
I wanted to know mainly about sugar alcohols. I found this on google ...

A sugar alcohol, also known as a polyol, is an interesting type of carbohydrate. Its structure is kind of a hybrid between a sugar molecule and an alcohol molecule (hence the name “sugar alcohol”) and, for the most part, our bodies do a poor job of digesting and breaking down sugar alcohol in the small bowel. It’s also sweet to the tongue and resistant to fermentation by oral bacteria, meaning sugar-free gum manufacturers employ it judiciously to sweeten their products without causing cavities. Our colonic bacteria, however, can and do ferment the stuff. For that reason, it’s a kind of prebiotic that, as Kurt Harris points out, can stimulate diarrhea and exacerbate existing irritable bowel syndrome-

related symptoms. Common side effects of sugar alcohol consumption (or over-consumption) include bloating, gas, and abdominal pain. Sugar alcohols are not quite non-caloric, but all contribute fewer calories than sucrose, and their effects on insulin and blood sugar (if any) are pretty minimal.

So basically she said I could get lots of trips to the bathroom!  Lol!  I had found an ice cream by Blue Bunny that would satisfy my ice cream love and it was low in sugar the <5 sugar but the sugar alcohol was like 12.  She said if my tummy could tolerate it then it was ok.  My tummy tolerated it.  I don't plan on having them often actually as of now I have only had one.  They are super tiny but yummy.  We talked about the foods that I have been eating ... Yes, I said I would be honest at the start of this journey and will tell ya that I was sick of puréed foods and had eaten some regular stuff.  She seemed ok"ish" about this but would have proffered me to stay on the puréed for another week.  I had tried some tuna, some banana, zucchini in scrambled egg ... Not too bad but not puréed.  I kinda let my teeth do the purée part.  Isn't that what they are for?  Just sayin'

Overall she was very pleased with my progress and could see I was determined!  I think that was really important.

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Going home ...

So I made it through another day!  After they got the pain meds right with the T3 I was golden.  After spending some time snooping around my ward I hit the sack and slept until like 8:30 AM at which time Dr. Roye's surgical team came strolling in.  Looked very much like a scene from house!  Kinda comical.  They looked at my incisions and asked me a few questions.
I forgot to mention that Dr. Roye came by yesterday in the afternoon sometime.  Tony was there and they exchanged a nice handshake and Tony gave the doc a cute "thanks for getting my wife through this alive" type look.  It was very cute and I almost thought I saw him tear up.  (DH not the doc).   When you think about it more and realize that you basically DID out your life in this teams hands ... It is kind of surreal.  It is amazing what these surgeons and nurses do every day.

No now they take out my IV!  Thank goodness because I could not stand one more moment of that thing on the side of my wrist.  At this pint everything about being in the hospital was bothering me.  The continuous beeping, the alarms, the pain, the backache.  I felt smelly and tired for my own bed.

So they bring me egg!  Whaaaaaaat?  Eggs?  Really?  Well actually first they bring me this protein shake ... Cinnamon bun flavor!  What?  Ok so I shoot that down pretty quick.  THEN come the eggs! I was like ...no ... All day times 100 just NO!  I am an egg snob because I own my own chickens and their eggs are phenomenal!  So no way in HELL I am gonna have hospital eggs!  Lol!  So I ask for some veggies.  I am not able to drink any protein shake at all!  All too sweet! So they brought me my least favorite veggie! Carrots!  Lol!  Oh well ... They said I had to tolerate a few bites before I could go home sooooooo down the hatch!
All was well!  Yay!  Then it was a whirlwind of packing up and calling DH to come and get me.  He brought the kids with him.  They looked panicked and strange when they arrived.  They looked concerned but relieved to see their mom.  It was kinda weird.

So then I got home and was SO happy even WITH the pups jumping all over me.  It was good to be home.

I would like to make a return please ...

THE DAY AFTER .....

I want to make a return.  I have buyers remorse.
Honeslty I felt an overwhelming sensation of What the F*&K did I do to myself?
Did I really just have my insides rearranged?  Seriously?
I wanted to make a return and trade it in for my old insides.  Yep ... back to my
"looking like everyone else's insides" kind of insides.
It was a day of pretty decent pain, general feeling of being uncomfortable in the bed, the worry of what was going on at home.  Hubby was at work.  I have a friend visit and that lifter my spirits a bit.  But I was afraid to move, sneeze, cough ... anything that may bust my new insides open.  Because of this I think my back muscles were tensing up and my back was ON FIRE!  The nausea was UNBELIEVABLE!  They were pumping me FULL of anti-nausea.  I have a catheter in and that felt really weird.  Like I had to pee ... but didn't have to pee.  Super happy for it eventually because my poor neighbor had the gastric sleeve and they did not have a catheter in her and she was up literally every friggin' hour poor thing.  They were pumping fluids in us both like we were a water bed!  I was not adjusting well to the pain meds.
THEN
They took my magic button away!  OH man ... this was like HELL!  Then the catheter came out!  Oh boy now that shit hurt.  I no like pain in the nether regions!  The only thing I was enjoying were the cool balloon leg thingies they had on my legs for blot clots but they were a pain in the ass when I needed to get up to go to the bathroom which now I had to on my own because no more cath.  I was really getting discouraged about my super hero powers.  I was like ok so no magic button so now what?  NO Vicodin for me.  Then they came in and was ready to give me this small cup of liquid pain stuff and i was like um whats that.  She said something and I was like ummm isn't that LIKE Vicodin?  She said yea ... I almost died ..>NO NO girl. So she went to talk to someone about pain meds.  She came back and said I could have the Tylenol 3 with codeine.  They had to give me something I could go home on tomorrow.   I gotta tell ya ... after drinking that T3 and once it settled in ... I WAS GOLDEN! *lights shine from heaven upon me*  Halleluiah!

No MORE buyers remorse!  It was like a whole new ball game now baby!  It was on like Donkey Kong! I was walking around the hospital making laps!  I was smelling the flowers my friend brought to me (cause they had to stay at the front desk) I was snooping around on people LOL!  It was awesome.  So after all that walking around I was actually tired and slept finally for 5 straight hours! 

Time in the hospital is literally like a time warp.  It is like a wrinkle in in the time continuum.
It is a fracture in the time and space cause the clock moves SOOOOOOOOOOOOO slow!
I am telling you, it's unnatural. 
But I was feeling much better!  That's all that counts.  I was keeping my purchase and didn't want a return.
Here are some pictures of the week before surgery.

DAY OF Surgery! OMG!

Okay SO ... I have not had major surgery since I was eleven and had my tonsils and adenoids taken out.  I was a spry little tiny thing ... and I remember being the only child waking from anestesia and wanting to roll aournd the hospital in the wheel chair.  The doctors were amazed!  LOL!  They were like DANG this little girl is nuts.  A few of th eother children who had surgery the same day were either throwing up, had a fever, were moaning in pain or crying.  Here I am this tiny little thing fucking rolling around in a wheel chair asking when I can leave.  The other parents were like WTF did you do to my kid and why isn't that kid all up in bed crying curled up in a ball.
I am a survivor I guess.
So I am going into this with that attitude!
UNTIL they lay me out like Jesus Christ on the cross!  I mean they gave me some nice shit to chill me out before rolling me in.  But once I got on the table and they were laying me out it was SUPER weird.
But then I do not remember much ... 100, 99 ............................................


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Waking up from the anesthesia totally, totally SUCKED!  I was really fighting it!  I wanted SO bad to be awake and mentally stable to observe all the strange things going on and wow it felt like a Sci-Fi movie gone bad!  They were ALL up in my face the first second I cracked my eye lid open!  Like super loud and up in my grill.  Then naturally because of my AWESOME sleep apnea I was like setting off alarms cause I was not breathing.  AT ALL!  They kept coming over and shaking me and telling me to take deep breaths.  Finally I think they had had enough and just hooked me up to my CPAP.  Then it was much nicer and I got a few more hours of rest.  So then they were like packing up my machine and assuring me that a room was ready.  All went well, they were able to do it laparoscopic (which is literally the first thing they are yelling at you as soon as you crack that one eye lid)  "HI TAMI ... YOU ARE IN RECOVERY.  SURGERY TOOK ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF IT WENT AMAZING AND DR. ROYE WAS ABLE TO DO IT LAPAROSCOPIC!" OK! THANK YOU ... DID YOU WORK ON MY EARS TOO WHILE YOU WERE IN THERE?! LOL!

Truly though.  The staff was AMAZING.  Dr. Roye is easy on the eyes! LOL! My assistant anesthesiologist was SO cute and promised me he would sing to me while I was under.  He was walking by and stopped to see me after surgery and he asked how I was doing.  I smiled and said I had a flaming headache from his singing and he should NOT quit his day job.  He was like "Wow you are a firecracker, kid" LOL!

So finally after another 15 minutes of turning off the alarm because they took me off my CPAP because my "room" was ready ... a nurse got fed up and got on the phone DEMANDING a room because I was NOT breathing.  SO away I went quickly after that.

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I walked around a little bit.  I was kinda impressed at my ability to be up and about already and attributed it to my super hero DNA and my younger years of being a friggin' awesome patient.  But I was pooped and ready for sleep ... which did NOT come easily.

The Day Before the DAY!

Day before surgery

Okay so it's the day before surgery and my emotions are all over the damn place!  I don't have any "I don't want to do this" feelings just overwhelming feelings of how the  hell is everyone going to get along with me in the hospital.  DH, god love him, is a great guy but just does things differently than me.  And let's face it .. we get cranky when we cannot have things our own way.  As I had said before I DO NOT like depending on people.  So I have this small beach house that gets messy very quickly with two teenagers, two dogs, six chickens and a messy huz.  Hmmmm ... I won't mention the time I went away for a week and came home to a moldy toilet because NO ONE thought of spraying some bleach in there!  BLAH!  SO I guess just anxiety is just setting in.

I make sure all the laundry is done.  The house is in pretty good shape, etc.  I call and find out my surgery is the first one!  Again ... that feeling of "when is the other shoe going to drop because this seems to be going all too smoothly" starts to overcome me like a tidal wave!

OH and I DID get a message saying I had $845 on my deductible ... I went into a complete panic because I got this call THREE days before my surgery. I was like NO WAY I am going to come up with that money in THREE days!  I went into like 45 min crying spell but the DH was SO supportive and assured me we would find a way.  BUT upon calling the next morning I found out that is just a courtesy call to let patients know so when they get the bill afterwards they are not in shock.  But I was also hearing mixed messages that it HAD to be paid or the surgery would not happen.  THIS was NOT the case in my insurance.  They said to bring a portion if I could and if not then it's all good they will just send me a bill.  I showed up on the day of surgery and they didn't see anything so I will now just wait for the bill to come in and set up a payment plan.