So I set another goal of ten more pounds in a month from today. But that goal was "not healthy" according to Wii board. He suggested 2lbs a week which would be eight pounds one month from now. I can ignore his warning and I did. So in one month I want to lose another ten pounds. My BMI also went from 37.24 to 36.15 so not too shabby.
I had a few days where the scale did not move at all! I was kinda pissed.
But now it seems to be moving along. I am only four pounds away from what I weighed 17 years ago when I got married to my husband! I am going to celebrate that day! That weight is 222lbs! Then next celebration will hopefully be glorious ONE-derland!
THAT will be a glorious day I have not seen since I don't know when! It is amazing to me that when I hit ONE-derland I will only be fifty pounds short of my goal! Man ... That blows my mind.
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So I guess this post will be kinda twofold. Today I was apparently grazing and the hub said something. Now I know he didn't say it as a malicious thing at all ... But it got me wondering about how I feel about letting everyone know I have had the surgery. He said "it seems like you are snacking an awful lot today" and ya know what ... He was right. I didn't seem to be eating on my "regimented" way I had been up until this point. So kudos to him for paying attention but I got to wondering. This is something I had been wondering since getting the surgery. Am I going to get scrutinized for everything for every thing I put in my mouth? Are people gonna be hanging back at parties and thinking ... Hmmm should she be eating that? It is in people's nature to judge I don't care what you say. And when you are fat, there are always judgements because our fat is out there for all to see. We cannot hide it. People assume also because we are fat... We are lazy as well. We obviously have let ourselves go by sitting around and packing ourselves with Oreos. Now I am not saying that bad choices did not get some of us here, that is certainly a part of some. I know throughout my twenties I spent so much energy starting my family I just didn't think about myself. I gained 64lbs during my pregnancy with my son. After he was born I lost about 40lbs of it and actually became quite fit getting up to bench pressing 225lbs for three. My legs were so strong as well and I could squat some serious weight. I had grown men's eyes popping at the gym and the hub got comments like "that's your wife dude!" Lol! Then when my son was about 22months I got pregnant with may second child. I was determined to not gain as much weight with this one and kept my weight gain at a fairly healthy 31 lbs. My daughter followed in her brothers footprints weighing in at a whopping 9lbs. My son was 9lbs 5 oz. I nursed her for 12 months and all that baby weight came off fast! But I still had that extra 20lbs or so after my son lingering. Then who the hell knows what happened. I did get lazy. I got depressed and lazy. My son was not diagnosed with Autism yet (something I knew he had since ALWAYS). I spent my days in guilt over why my son was not able to play with other children. Why he injured himself. Why he didn't listen when his name was called repeatedly. There were school issues. Maybe I just went day by day just trying to get by. I remember thinking I was feeding them well. I remember thinking I may be getting overweight .... I remember thinking I should do something to find a better way to fit proper nutrition and exercise in my life ... But I also remembered that I was exhausted. Exhausted from trying to figure out the puzzle of balancing a stay at home mom life while my husband worked full time, part time and went to school part time. I remember thinking and feeling like a single mother for like five years. So somewhere along the way I think I just lost myself. I think this happens to a lot of us. Then a day comes where you look in that mirror or see a picture of yourself and think "Who the hell is that?"
I don't think it was a conscious thing. I think for many of us it isn't. Just like life after WLS is a journey so was the journey that lead us here.
*sniff sniff* I FN love you man!
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