Dear Human Race

Love ...

April 22, 2010 at 12:13am

Since the day I came to be, I provided you with all you needed
I had shelter for you, food for you and love for you
Since I became what I am ... I gave you air and kept you safe
Along came more and more of the taking ... but I still loved you
More and more of the stealing ... but I still loved you
You puncture me, use me and abuse me
But I still love you.
I am here for you ... but I may not always be.
Take time to appreciate me.

Not just one day of the year ... but every day.
Take time to enjoy the gifts I give to you without selfishness.
Realize that I am one of a kind. All things were put into place
for you to survive with me.
There is no other like me and not likely to be.
Smell me, feel me ... love me too.
Listen to me ... embrace me with love.
That is all I ask of you.
Love,
The Earth

Written by Tami Ward April 22, 2010 Earth Day

I thought about you today ...

      I thought about you today the first time in  a long time it was  without malice

     I thought about you today and it was with love and peace and forgiveness

     I thought about you today when I smelled something that reminded me of you

     I thought about you today and you and I and the times that we shared and events that we shared and what you gave my life that I will forever be grateful for

     I thought about you today for the first time, in a long time,  I was not sad,  I was not regretful...  I was not angry, I was not hateful, I was peaceful and I was proud

     I was proud and thankful for what you gave me in the part of my life that you needed to be a part of and even though you are no longer a part of my life I can now cherish and move on and  that you were meant to come in my life for a reason and you were also going to leave and be gone from my life for a reason

     I thought about you today and I thought about your happiness and not my own and I wish and genuinely wish for your happiness and your friendships that you have formed without me and I’ve come to the conclusion that that is OK

     I thought about you today and I cried a little bit and I gave a piece of myself to the universe knowing that you could never be a part of my life but knowing that you will always be a part of my heart and I am thankful for that truly and 100% thankful

     And I know you may not ever understand the reasons why we must never be together again and that I am at peace with the fact that the memories and the love of you will always be unconditional and you always be a part of my past  that is special and meaningful and I am thankful for that

Truly thankful 

     For there are those who never truly ever have that in their life and I have had it and I have experienced it and I am grateful and I will be forever blessed for I thought of you today with a kind heart and loving spirit

And I have released it and given it to the universe forever in my heart

Que serà serà ... what ever will be will be

Release ...

Truth

That is all.

Happy Motherfucking Mother's Day

Let me give you the stone hard truth about living with adult children with mental illness and/or disabilities.  It sucks.  The man/boy has no concept of what makes me happy in any way.  Is that selfish of me to want otherwise when I know he is probably not capable of it 85% of the time?  I do not know.  
All I know is it hurts my heart.
It hurts my heart when I hear him begging for friends to come over every. Single. Day.  
When we seem to take two steps forward and then three steps back on every. Single. Thing> in adult life.
When I think for one moment that we are making progress and when he gets his first check and spends it all on weed or going out with his friends or every. Waking. Moment. Looking for someone to hang out with.  
I sometimes question if he even loves me.  Or if I even love him.  Is this normal?  I cannot find anything online because NO ONE wants to write about mental illness or autism or bipolar or adolescence or kids or not loving your kids ... GOD forbid you are NOT feeling LOVE for your children 100% of the time.  Imagine the SHAME.  
But people this shit is REAL.  REAL time and really important to get out there.  Sometimes people say "I love my child but I do not like them"  No shit .... really ... here I will do you one better ... I sometimes feel I do not feel I love my child.  
Why do we and should we be shamed for this?  Because there are people who lost children and would do anything to get them back.  Because there are people who desperately want children but cannot have them.  Because there are people who are sitting by their children's beside in hospitals right now wishing they could have a happy, healthy child.  But my child is rarely happy and is not really healthy. He has addiction issues and a mental health issue that will stay with him his whole life.  He is behind about 6 years in maturity which I feel puts him in a significant amount of danger because his maturity does not match his chronological age.  
Therefore, it scares me. And it scares me that no one is allowed to come out with these feelings without being shamed for them.  
I am pretty used to most shit that is dealt to me when it comes to the man/boy because I understand that he does not understand feelings and the way the world works like most people do.  But once, just once, I wish I could have a genuine feeling from him.  An " I am sorry" or "I love you" that is not scripted or rehearsed or inside him "thing" he is "supposed" to do.  And NOTHING he does is for anything but his own egocentric self.  There is NO altruism in anything he does.  He does not initiate any kindness or "come up" with anything that will make me happy.  He does have moments of sweetness but it is always for his "friends".  Is this normal?  
I know others of teenage boys say this IS normal.  Most of it anyway.  The thinking of "my parents hate my friends but they are the most important thing in my life right now" form of thinking that most parents of adolescents go through.  
The thing is I am navigating this thing alone.  I have the DH but he is at his wit's end as well.  I have no real "girlfriends" or "BFF" to listen to my woes to help me along the way so I mourn this still.  
It is what it is.  I write.  I read. I do school work.  I clean.  I dig in my yard and I go on.
Just as I have for years and I am sure years to come.
I just get frustrated and sad.  
Maybe I will look back on this day like I do now and consider these days ... easy?
Maybe ... just maybe.

Dismissal

There is nothing in the world worse than being dismissed.  Dismissal of your hard work, your loyalty, your passion, your love, your hard work or your person.  I would rather be judged than dismissed.
I have been dismissed in the worst way.  I am passionate about the mental health of today’s youth.  I was and always have been an extremely passionate person about advocating and educating for and of children with mental health and/or behavioral issues.
On a bright day in February, I was dismissed from my job as a Behavior management assistant with the North Kingstown School Department with no reason whatsoever and no warning.  No verbal warnings, no inkling of something being wrong with my work ethic or performance and no complaints or warnings in my personnel file.  On December 5th, I actually received an exemplary review and was thrilled to see I was making a difference in these kids’ lives.
This job was a demanding one.  I was often called a “fucking bitch” to “go fuck myself” and disrespected on a daily basis.  I was pushed, shoved, spit on, slammed doors on, screamed in my face and had the middle finger all shoved in my face numerous times.  I had scissors thrown at me, pencils jabbed at me, and rammed with student’s bodies numerous times a week.
After five months I HAD to take time off due to a broken nose AND a sever concussion due to a student backwards head butting me after me trying to back out of a room.
I took only eight school days out and despite people saying I should have taken more time I went back because I knew my school was understaffed and my coworkers and students depend on me to be reliable and consistent.  I was making meaningful and collaborative relationships with my coworkers as well on how to help the kids and set them up for success each day.
I showed up with a smile everyday ... a clean slate.  Each kid there knew Mrs. Ward was there for THEM.  I did not judge them or hold grudges.  I did not dislike them because they called be a “fucking bitch” for the 16th time that day.  I smiled and/or frowned and asked how I could help them feel better.  How could I make their day better and how could I enhance their learning?  These kids cared about me and I cared about them.  Building a rapport with these kids takes time.  I usually can do it faster than most because I struggle myself with a shitty childhood and I have two special need kiddos myself (now adults).  I have been THROUGH it and I tell them.  You can do all the things you can think of to push me away and I will STILL be here.
Then one day, without warning, something happened where I was forced to break that promise to them.
 http://northkingstownschoolri.iqm2.com/Citizens/SplitView.aspx?Mode=Video&MeetingID=1357&Format=Agenda
It takes awhile for it to load.  Just wait a bit and then go to about 27:00 min in.
That basically explains it all.
Why was I taken from these kids ... I still do not know.
I was dismissed.
I am a student of mental health.  My life path is on the trajectory of making kids’ lives better.  I have done ALL the things to make me feel better.
I grieved.
I did self-care.
I have looked for other jobs.
I have taken time to re-evaluate.
I have had the support of family and friends.
Nothing has worked.

This has caused me so much anguish that I cannot even begin to understand it.
I am hurt, overwhelmed, anxious, distraught and so very sad.
How can we help these kids who are hurting when adults who are stable, calm, loving, nurturing, intelligent and willing to work with them are taken away? These positions are not easy to fill.  I am not saying I am perfect but I do honestly believe I was meant to work with these kids.  I hear they still ask for me.
I never got to say goodbye.  Or tell them that they meant so much to me.  I literally just disappeared from their lives one Tuesday morning.  What has happened in this world where we throw away strong, qualified people ...? And throw them away with no explanation or reason?
I have been through some serious things in my life and I have to say this may be in the top five.
When you KNOW you have done nothing but your very best and then are dismissed ... that is THE worst.  Mental anguish.  I cannot sleep.  I cannot concentrate.  I am having a hard time moving on.  If I had done something wrong, I would have owned up to it.  When you do your best ... then are dismissed like you are trash ... it hurts your heart.  Like REALLY hurts your heart.  You doubt
yourself, you doubt your passions, your path and your journey.
How am I going to get through this?  I am not sure.  Injustice is a hard thing to make right.  When no one is willing to tell the truth and do what is right ... it is even harder.  All I can do is hope something good will come of all this and that those kids know that I never meant to abandon them.  It was never my choice.
Peace to you and yours my dear readers always and in all ways
t