Sunday, July 28, 2019
Tuesday, July 2, 2019
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Happy Motherfucking Mother's Day
Let me give you the stone hard truth about living with adult children with mental illness and/or disabilities. It sucks. The man/boy has no concept of what makes me happy in any way. Is that selfish of me to want otherwise when I know he is probably not capable of it 85% of the time? I do not know.
All I know is it hurts my heart.
It hurts my heart when I hear him begging for friends to come over every. Single. Day.
When we seem to take two steps forward and then three steps back on every. Single. Thing> in adult life.
When I think for one moment that we are making progress and when he gets his first check and spends it all on weed or going out with his friends or every. Waking. Moment. Looking for someone to hang out with.
I sometimes question if he even loves me. Or if I even love him. Is this normal? I cannot find anything online because NO ONE wants to write about mental illness or autism or bipolar or adolescence or kids or not loving your kids ... GOD forbid you are NOT feeling LOVE for your children 100% of the time. Imagine the SHAME.
But people this shit is REAL. REAL time and really important to get out there. Sometimes people say "I love my child but I do not like them" No shit .... really ... here I will do you one better ... I sometimes feel I do not feel I love my child.
Why do we and should we be shamed for this? Because there are people who lost children and would do anything to get them back. Because there are people who desperately want children but cannot have them. Because there are people who are sitting by their children's beside in hospitals right now wishing they could have a happy, healthy child. But my child is rarely happy and is not really healthy. He has addiction issues and a mental health issue that will stay with him his whole life. He is behind about 6 years in maturity which I feel puts him in a significant amount of danger because his maturity does not match his chronological age.
Therefore, it scares me. And it scares me that no one is allowed to come out with these feelings without being shamed for them.
I am pretty used to most shit that is dealt to me when it comes to the man/boy because I understand that he does not understand feelings and the way the world works like most people do. But once, just once, I wish I could have a genuine feeling from him. An " I am sorry" or "I love you" that is not scripted or rehearsed or inside him "thing" he is "supposed" to do. And NOTHING he does is for anything but his own egocentric self. There is NO altruism in anything he does. He does not initiate any kindness or "come up" with anything that will make me happy. He does have moments of sweetness but it is always for his "friends". Is this normal?
I know others of teenage boys say this IS normal. Most of it anyway. The thinking of "my parents hate my friends but they are the most important thing in my life right now" form of thinking that most parents of adolescents go through.
The thing is I am navigating this thing alone. I have the DH but he is at his wit's end as well. I have no real "girlfriends" or "BFF" to listen to my woes to help me along the way so I mourn this still.
It is what it is. I write. I read. I do school work. I clean. I dig in my yard and I go on.
Just as I have for years and I am sure years to come.
I just get frustrated and sad.
Maybe I will look back on this day like I do now and consider these days ... easy?
Maybe ... just maybe.
All I know is it hurts my heart.
It hurts my heart when I hear him begging for friends to come over every. Single. Day.
When we seem to take two steps forward and then three steps back on every. Single. Thing> in adult life.
When I think for one moment that we are making progress and when he gets his first check and spends it all on weed or going out with his friends or every. Waking. Moment. Looking for someone to hang out with.
I sometimes question if he even loves me. Or if I even love him. Is this normal? I cannot find anything online because NO ONE wants to write about mental illness or autism or bipolar or adolescence or kids or not loving your kids ... GOD forbid you are NOT feeling LOVE for your children 100% of the time. Imagine the SHAME.
But people this shit is REAL. REAL time and really important to get out there. Sometimes people say "I love my child but I do not like them" No shit .... really ... here I will do you one better ... I sometimes feel I do not feel I love my child.
Why do we and should we be shamed for this? Because there are people who lost children and would do anything to get them back. Because there are people who desperately want children but cannot have them. Because there are people who are sitting by their children's beside in hospitals right now wishing they could have a happy, healthy child. But my child is rarely happy and is not really healthy. He has addiction issues and a mental health issue that will stay with him his whole life. He is behind about 6 years in maturity which I feel puts him in a significant amount of danger because his maturity does not match his chronological age.
Therefore, it scares me. And it scares me that no one is allowed to come out with these feelings without being shamed for them.
I am pretty used to most shit that is dealt to me when it comes to the man/boy because I understand that he does not understand feelings and the way the world works like most people do. But once, just once, I wish I could have a genuine feeling from him. An " I am sorry" or "I love you" that is not scripted or rehearsed or inside him "thing" he is "supposed" to do. And NOTHING he does is for anything but his own egocentric self. There is NO altruism in anything he does. He does not initiate any kindness or "come up" with anything that will make me happy. He does have moments of sweetness but it is always for his "friends". Is this normal?
I know others of teenage boys say this IS normal. Most of it anyway. The thinking of "my parents hate my friends but they are the most important thing in my life right now" form of thinking that most parents of adolescents go through.
The thing is I am navigating this thing alone. I have the DH but he is at his wit's end as well. I have no real "girlfriends" or "BFF" to listen to my woes to help me along the way so I mourn this still.
It is what it is. I write. I read. I do school work. I clean. I dig in my yard and I go on.
Just as I have for years and I am sure years to come.
I just get frustrated and sad.
Maybe I will look back on this day like I do now and consider these days ... easy?
Maybe ... just maybe.
Thursday, April 25, 2019
Dismissal
There is nothing in the world worse than being dismissed. Dismissal of your hard work, your loyalty, your passion, your love, your hard work or your person. I would rather be judged than dismissed.
I have been dismissed in the worst way. I am passionate about the mental health of today’s youth. I was and always have been an extremely passionate person about advocating and educating for and of children with mental health and/or behavioral issues.
On a bright day in February, I was dismissed from my job as a Behavior management assistant with the North Kingstown School Department with no reason whatsoever and no warning. No verbal warnings, no inkling of something being wrong with my work ethic or performance and no complaints or warnings in my personnel file. On December 5th, I actually received an exemplary review and was thrilled to see I was making a difference in these kids’ lives.
This job was a demanding one. I was often called a “fucking bitch” to “go fuck myself” and disrespected on a daily basis. I was pushed, shoved, spit on, slammed doors on, screamed in my face and had the middle finger all shoved in my face numerous times. I had scissors thrown at me, pencils jabbed at me, and rammed with student’s bodies numerous times a week.
After five months I HAD to take time off due to a broken nose AND a sever concussion due to a student backwards head butting me after me trying to back out of a room.
I took only eight school days out and despite people saying I should have taken more time I went back because I knew my school was understaffed and my coworkers and students depend on me to be reliable and consistent. I was making meaningful and collaborative relationships with my coworkers as well on how to help the kids and set them up for success each day.
I showed up with a smile everyday ... a clean slate. Each kid there knew Mrs. Ward was there for THEM. I did not judge them or hold grudges. I did not dislike them because they called be a “fucking bitch” for the 16th time that day. I smiled and/or frowned and asked how I could help them feel better. How could I make their day better and how could I enhance their learning? These kids cared about me and I cared about them. Building a rapport with these kids takes time. I usually can do it faster than most because I struggle myself with a shitty childhood and I have two special need kiddos myself (now adults). I have been THROUGH it and I tell them. You can do all the things you can think of to push me away and I will STILL be here.
Then one day, without warning, something happened where I was forced to break that promise to them.
http://northkingstownschoolri.iqm2.com/Citizens/SplitView.aspx?Mode=Video&MeetingID=1357&Format=Agenda
It takes awhile for it to load. Just wait a bit and then go to about 27:00 min in.
That basically explains it all.
Why was I taken from these kids ... I still do not know.
I was dismissed.
I am a student of mental health. My life path is on the trajectory of making kids’ lives better. I have done ALL the things to make me feel better.
I grieved.
I did self-care.
I have looked for other jobs.
I have taken time to re-evaluate.
I have had the support of family and friends.
Nothing has worked.
This has caused me so much anguish that I cannot even begin to understand it.
I am hurt, overwhelmed, anxious, distraught and so very sad.
How can we help these kids who are hurting when adults who are stable, calm, loving, nurturing, intelligent and willing to work with them are taken away? These positions are not easy to fill. I am not saying I am perfect but I do honestly believe I was meant to work with these kids. I hear they still ask for me.
I never got to say goodbye. Or tell them that they meant so much to me. I literally just disappeared from their lives one Tuesday morning. What has happened in this world where we throw away strong, qualified people ...? And throw them away with no explanation or reason?
I have been through some serious things in my life and I have to say this may be in the top five.
When you KNOW you have done nothing but your very best and then are dismissed ... that is THE worst. Mental anguish. I cannot sleep. I cannot concentrate. I am having a hard time moving on. If I had done something wrong, I would have owned up to it. When you do your best ... then are dismissed like you are trash ... it hurts your heart. Like REALLY hurts your heart. You doubt
yourself, you doubt your passions, your path and your journey.
How am I going to get through this? I am not sure. Injustice is a hard thing to make right. When no one is willing to tell the truth and do what is right ... it is even harder. All I can do is hope something good will come of all this and that those kids know that I never meant to abandon them. It was never my choice.
Peace to you and yours my dear readers always and in all ways
t
I have been dismissed in the worst way. I am passionate about the mental health of today’s youth. I was and always have been an extremely passionate person about advocating and educating for and of children with mental health and/or behavioral issues.
On a bright day in February, I was dismissed from my job as a Behavior management assistant with the North Kingstown School Department with no reason whatsoever and no warning. No verbal warnings, no inkling of something being wrong with my work ethic or performance and no complaints or warnings in my personnel file. On December 5th, I actually received an exemplary review and was thrilled to see I was making a difference in these kids’ lives.
This job was a demanding one. I was often called a “fucking bitch” to “go fuck myself” and disrespected on a daily basis. I was pushed, shoved, spit on, slammed doors on, screamed in my face and had the middle finger all shoved in my face numerous times. I had scissors thrown at me, pencils jabbed at me, and rammed with student’s bodies numerous times a week.
After five months I HAD to take time off due to a broken nose AND a sever concussion due to a student backwards head butting me after me trying to back out of a room.
I took only eight school days out and despite people saying I should have taken more time I went back because I knew my school was understaffed and my coworkers and students depend on me to be reliable and consistent. I was making meaningful and collaborative relationships with my coworkers as well on how to help the kids and set them up for success each day.
I showed up with a smile everyday ... a clean slate. Each kid there knew Mrs. Ward was there for THEM. I did not judge them or hold grudges. I did not dislike them because they called be a “fucking bitch” for the 16th time that day. I smiled and/or frowned and asked how I could help them feel better. How could I make their day better and how could I enhance their learning? These kids cared about me and I cared about them. Building a rapport with these kids takes time. I usually can do it faster than most because I struggle myself with a shitty childhood and I have two special need kiddos myself (now adults). I have been THROUGH it and I tell them. You can do all the things you can think of to push me away and I will STILL be here.
Then one day, without warning, something happened where I was forced to break that promise to them.
http://northkingstownschoolri.iqm2.com/Citizens/SplitView.aspx?Mode=Video&MeetingID=1357&Format=Agenda
It takes awhile for it to load. Just wait a bit and then go to about 27:00 min in.
That basically explains it all.
Why was I taken from these kids ... I still do not know.
I was dismissed.
I am a student of mental health. My life path is on the trajectory of making kids’ lives better. I have done ALL the things to make me feel better.
I grieved.
I did self-care.
I have looked for other jobs.
I have taken time to re-evaluate.
I have had the support of family and friends.
Nothing has worked.
This has caused me so much anguish that I cannot even begin to understand it.
I am hurt, overwhelmed, anxious, distraught and so very sad.
How can we help these kids who are hurting when adults who are stable, calm, loving, nurturing, intelligent and willing to work with them are taken away? These positions are not easy to fill. I am not saying I am perfect but I do honestly believe I was meant to work with these kids. I hear they still ask for me.
I never got to say goodbye. Or tell them that they meant so much to me. I literally just disappeared from their lives one Tuesday morning. What has happened in this world where we throw away strong, qualified people ...? And throw them away with no explanation or reason?
I have been through some serious things in my life and I have to say this may be in the top five.
When you KNOW you have done nothing but your very best and then are dismissed ... that is THE worst. Mental anguish. I cannot sleep. I cannot concentrate. I am having a hard time moving on. If I had done something wrong, I would have owned up to it. When you do your best ... then are dismissed like you are trash ... it hurts your heart. Like REALLY hurts your heart. You doubt
yourself, you doubt your passions, your path and your journey.
How am I going to get through this? I am not sure. Injustice is a hard thing to make right. When no one is willing to tell the truth and do what is right ... it is even harder. All I can do is hope something good will come of all this and that those kids know that I never meant to abandon them. It was never my choice.
Peace to you and yours my dear readers always and in all ways
t
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Surgiversary Six
It would be very remiss of me not to say something on this day.
Six years ago ... well I say the same thing every Valentines Day since 2013 ... I decided to love MYSELF and have RNY gastric bypass surgery. Never in my life have I made a more important decision. I took my health into my own hands and decided enough was enough of the yo-you up and down weight game.
I have so much to say but so tired today. Each year that goes by it becomes harder to keep the weight off. Maybe because the tool does not work as well or because I have become older and more tired. Statistics show that most after five years or so after WLS (weight lose surgery) have gained at least 40-50lbs back. I have maintained 80lbs of the original 120 lost so seems about right. But I hate being a statistic and I want to be the exception.
I have about 35 lbs to lose to be at my most happiest comfortable weight. I am making it a goal in 2019 to do so.
Soooooooo much going on in my life to just keep moving day by day and moving is number one!
Diet and moving,
But I am tired. Working, going for my masters, kids, bills, house and blah blah blah just like everyone else.
So ... NO EXCUSES.
IT IS HAPPENING.
Right after I hit the sack after a glass of wine ...
Peace to you always and in all ways dear reader ...
Tjw
Six years ago ... well I say the same thing every Valentines Day since 2013 ... I decided to love MYSELF and have RNY gastric bypass surgery. Never in my life have I made a more important decision. I took my health into my own hands and decided enough was enough of the yo-you up and down weight game.
I have so much to say but so tired today. Each year that goes by it becomes harder to keep the weight off. Maybe because the tool does not work as well or because I have become older and more tired. Statistics show that most after five years or so after WLS (weight lose surgery) have gained at least 40-50lbs back. I have maintained 80lbs of the original 120 lost so seems about right. But I hate being a statistic and I want to be the exception.
I have about 35 lbs to lose to be at my most happiest comfortable weight. I am making it a goal in 2019 to do so.
Soooooooo much going on in my life to just keep moving day by day and moving is number one!
Diet and moving,
But I am tired. Working, going for my masters, kids, bills, house and blah blah blah just like everyone else.
So ... NO EXCUSES.
IT IS HAPPENING.
Right after I hit the sack after a glass of wine ...
Peace to you always and in all ways dear reader ...
Tjw
Monday, January 21, 2019
Lessons Learned
I hate moments that "make you grow".
Okay ... no, I do not. I hate the feeling it gives you initially. That feeling of "oh shit ... I did something wrong ... ugh ... this is going to turn into a growing/teaching moment"
Let's talk about that for a minute. You know that feeling. That feeling of that your stomach sinking and your throat closing up. That feeling of anger and disappointment (most of the time in yourself).
That feeling of climbing up another rung of the ladder of wisdom/maturity in your life.
Man ... it is hard. Sometimes I cry about it. Sometimes it infuriates me to the point where I really cannot even handle the emotion so I just run on empty and silent for a while. I let it scathe my soul and then I find a way to release it. Sometimes it passes gently and almost peacefully and the acceptance washes over me like a good long hot shower. But ALL the time ... it kinda burns. I can compare it to a bad case of acid reflux. It sits in my throat and just burns.
How I choose to handle it is where the growth comes from. Sometimes I fight it like a championship boxer going for the last round. Okay, more than sometimes. Why do so many of us fight "growth"?
One word ... EGO. Okay another word, PRIDE.
WE knew we were better than that. WE knew the potential for growth was going to happen.
I think these experiences come in waves throughout our lives and I am fine with that.
What I am not fine with is when SO many come SO fast ALL at once.
Such is the story of my life lately. SO much of the wisdom, growth, maturity ... the "I should have known better" scenarios ... happening ALL at once.
Exhausting.
How do we slow it down?
I think WE have to slow down. Our mind, our bodies, our souls and our surroundings.
Breathe.
I am ready to slow down. To chill. To grow a little more slowly for a little while.
Peace to you my friends always and in all ways
t
“Smart people do stupid things. Stupid people don't learn from them.”
― Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life
“Many times what we perceive as an error or failure is actually a gift. And eventually we find that lessons learned from that discouraging experience prove to be of great worth.”
― Smile Anyway
Okay ... no, I do not. I hate the feeling it gives you initially. That feeling of "oh shit ... I did something wrong ... ugh ... this is going to turn into a growing/teaching moment"
Let's talk about that for a minute. You know that feeling. That feeling of that your stomach sinking and your throat closing up. That feeling of anger and disappointment (most of the time in yourself).
That feeling of climbing up another rung of the ladder of wisdom/maturity in your life.
Man ... it is hard. Sometimes I cry about it. Sometimes it infuriates me to the point where I really cannot even handle the emotion so I just run on empty and silent for a while. I let it scathe my soul and then I find a way to release it. Sometimes it passes gently and almost peacefully and the acceptance washes over me like a good long hot shower. But ALL the time ... it kinda burns. I can compare it to a bad case of acid reflux. It sits in my throat and just burns.
How I choose to handle it is where the growth comes from. Sometimes I fight it like a championship boxer going for the last round. Okay, more than sometimes. Why do so many of us fight "growth"?
One word ... EGO. Okay another word, PRIDE.
WE knew we were better than that. WE knew the potential for growth was going to happen.
I think these experiences come in waves throughout our lives and I am fine with that.
What I am not fine with is when SO many come SO fast ALL at once.
Such is the story of my life lately. SO much of the wisdom, growth, maturity ... the "I should have known better" scenarios ... happening ALL at once.
Exhausting.
How do we slow it down?
I think WE have to slow down. Our mind, our bodies, our souls and our surroundings.
Breathe.
I am ready to slow down. To chill. To grow a little more slowly for a little while.
Peace to you my friends always and in all ways
t
“Smart people do stupid things. Stupid people don't learn from them.”
― Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life
“Many times what we perceive as an error or failure is actually a gift. And eventually we find that lessons learned from that discouraging experience prove to be of great worth.”
― Smile Anyway
Friday, October 26, 2018
For Good ...
I honestly believe with my whole heart that people come and go into our lives for a reason.
I have lost some good friends for one reason or another and no matter on what terms they left, I had to decide for myself to let them go or life just got in the way and we have lost touch ... I know each person has brought something valuable to make me who I am today. They have made me the friend I am today, the woman I am today and ALL (bad or good or indifferent circumstances as to why they are no longer in my life) have left a handprint on my heart. Here is to them ... Thank you and I hope you are living the life you want with full happiness.
Click the link to the most beautiful friendship song (past or present friendships) you have ever heard from the Broadway play Wicked with Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth
https://youtu.be/TZ0pXUb5jVU
I have lost some good friends for one reason or another and no matter on what terms they left, I had to decide for myself to let them go or life just got in the way and we have lost touch ... I know each person has brought something valuable to make me who I am today. They have made me the friend I am today, the woman I am today and ALL (bad or good or indifferent circumstances as to why they are no longer in my life) have left a handprint on my heart. Here is to them ... Thank you and I hope you are living the life you want with full happiness.
Click the link to the most beautiful friendship song (past or present friendships) you have ever heard from the Broadway play Wicked with Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth
https://youtu.be/TZ0pXUb5jVU
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