Lessons Learned

I hate moments that "make you grow".
Okay ... no, I do not.  I hate the feeling it gives you initially.  That feeling of "oh shit ... I did something wrong ... ugh ... this is going to turn into a growing/teaching moment"

Let's talk about that for a minute.  You know that feeling.  That feeling of that your stomach sinking and your throat closing up.  That feeling of anger and disappointment (most of the time in yourself).
That feeling of climbing up another rung of the ladder of wisdom/maturity in your life.

Man ... it is hard.  Sometimes I cry about it.  Sometimes it infuriates me to the point where I really cannot even handle the emotion so I just run on empty and silent for a while.  I let it scathe my soul and then I find a way to release it.  Sometimes it passes gently and almost peacefully and the acceptance washes over me like a good long hot shower.  But ALL the time ... it kinda burns.  I can compare it to a bad case of acid reflux.  It sits in my throat and just burns.  

How I choose to handle it is where the growth comes from.  Sometimes I fight it like a championship boxer going for the last round.  Okay, more than sometimes.  Why do so many of us fight "growth"?
One word ... EGO.  Okay another word, PRIDE.

WE knew we were better than that.  WE knew the potential for growth was going to happen.  
I think these experiences come in waves throughout our lives and I am fine with that.
What I am not fine with is when SO many come SO fast ALL at once.
Such is the story of my life lately.  SO much of the wisdom, growth, maturity ... the "I should have known better" scenarios ... happening ALL at once.

Exhausting.

How do we slow it down?  
I think WE have to slow down.  Our mind, our bodies, our souls and our surroundings.
Breathe.  

I am ready to slow down.  To chill.  To grow a little more slowly for a little while.

Peace to you my friends always and in all ways
t

“Smart people do stupid things. Stupid people don't learn from them.” 
― Frank Sonnenberg, Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life

“Many times what we perceive as an error or failure is actually a gift. And eventually we find that lessons learned from that discouraging experience prove to be of great worth.” 
― Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway

For Good ...

I honestly believe with my whole heart that people come and go into our lives for a reason.  
I have lost some good friends for one reason or another and no matter on what terms they left, I had to decide for myself to let them go or life just got in the way and we have lost touch ... I know each person has brought something valuable to make me who I am today.  They have made me the friend I am today, the woman I am today and ALL (bad or good or indifferent circumstances as to why they are no longer in my life) have left a handprint on my heart.  Here is to them ... Thank you and I hope you are living the life you want with full happiness.
Click the link to the most beautiful friendship song (past or present friendships) you have ever heard from the Broadway play Wicked with Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth
https://youtu.be/TZ0pXUb5jVU

When life give you lemons ...

Don't make lemonade.  Too mundane.
Smash those yellow bastards.  Slam them on the ground.  Stomp on them.  Squish them.  Throw them at someone!  LOL
Seriously though, I hate that saying.  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.  I fucking hate lemonade anyway. 
Sometimes I just do not feel like making the most of things. Sometimes I feel like giving up, throwing in the towel.  No one validates those feelings and it is too bad.
Because we all feel that way sometimes; like enough is enough and something has got to give.
Throw me a bone, universe, will ya?
It would be nice sometimes to just have someone say "Ya know what?  What you are going through totally sucks and your plate is SO full.  I see that and I hear you.  So cry a little.  Scream, kick and yell and do not stop until you are ready.  I am here for you no matter what.  You do not have to make fucking lemonade"

This blog is my form of getting things out there for the universe.  I know I am not unique in some of the experiences I have dealing with my own depression/anxiety.  I know there are challenges people face that are MUCH worse than my own.  But when you are in your own thick of things you do not think that way and that does not make your struggle any less meaningful or valid. 
Everyone has their own shit to deal with.  Sometimes you can fight it like a warrior and sometimes you are like ... ugh ... I just CANNOT one MORE minute.
I feel great when I am crushing life and getting all the adult things done.  By this I would mean taking care of myself (making sure I eat pretty decent, take my meds, and do some things during the day/week that make me happy), making sure my family is taken care of, taking care of my friends (cultivating relationships that are important and meaningful to me and my heart), kicking ass at job and school and making sure my bills get paid.
When I am not crushing life I am sleeping, eating like poo, sleeping and more sleeping. 
When those times come it is okay and I accept them.  And those who know me and love me see them coming, see when there are there and know to leave me be and/or ask how I am doing and do not take things personally because it is never about them.
I have to say that I am fed up with the lack of patience, empathy, and kindness going around today.
I see people yelling in traffic, sighing at people in line in stores.  People dragging their kids around by their wrists like sacks of potatoes, not taking the time to bend down and talk to them or pick them up and carry them.
I do not want to hear that life goes by too fast and you cannot find the time.  It is ALWAYS a good time to be kind.  It may come harder on some days than others but believe me it is possible.  I practice every day to try to take a breath and think "Is it kind?  Is it respectful?  Is is necessary?"
LITERALLY my mantra.  If everyone would just take one second before responding to a situation and think ...
Kindness.
Relevance.
Tolerance.
Patience.
Hey, I am not perfect ... far from it but through practice and patience, I have learned over the past 5-10 years or so that it expends a HELL of a lot of energy being an asshole and no less being kind and compassionate to those around you.
So why not choose the latter.
Try it.  One small change a day.  
That is it for today folks.  My schoolwork is kicking my ass lately and I gotta get back to it.
Know I am thinking of you all always and in all ways.
t

Grateful for YOU

I AM AN AWFUL TERRIBLE BLOGGER !
Whew ... there, I said it.
Despite me not updating this blog very often, you are still here dear reader!
I wanted to take time out today to let you know how grateful I am that in this big giant world, you take the time to visit when you can.  Last month 256 visits to this blog despite my laziness and inability to stay on track and blog once a week ... hell, once a month even.
BUT and I am making no excuses ... going for this Masters is WAAAAAAAAY more challenging then I thought.
And I left one job and landed another and life changes like that are super stress inducing.
But I promise to tell you ALL about it soon.
In the meantime, please know that whoever you are that reads this, I am so thankful for you.
And no matter what you are going through remember that you are a badass because you are still here
And I am here for you
True Story
Peace to you and yours always and in all ways,
t

I cannot love this enough

Vouyeristic Society

Truth

Just this ....