Mattering ....

I have suffered a loss ... Last summer was a huge eye opener for me and a terrible time of mourning something special.  I was supposed to be celebrating something that was so important in my life ... Two years of working on finally finishing my Bachelors in Psychology.  It was a hard road and right up until the end I could almost not even believe it was right there in sight.  The first year I worked full time third shift and attended full time classes ( and going through a LOT with my ASD son and freshly diagnosed girl teenager with depression/anxiety disorder and partial hospitalization with her for that).  The second year I was not working but had suffered an injury and needed back surgery and STILL attended full time.  It was a LOT of pressure on me and my family but I am so amazed and proud that I did it.  

But with all that accomplishment came the biggest disappointment of my life. 
I try to be a good friend.  
I ALWAYS try to be there unless life has REALLY REALLY REALLY grabbed hold of me by the gonads and I just cannot follow through for a friend.  Bleeding to death or vommitting like Linda Blaire in the exorcist will often stop me from following through as well.  
But the article at the end of this blog entry (you will have to copy and paste it in your browser to go to it) could have legit been written by me and I wish I had read it a year ago.  Not that I would not still be in mourning or still second guessing decisions I have made.  But I made it.  The decision. I have hard lines.  One hard line is seeing my kid(s) hurting. So it is what it is.
All I ever wanted from my friends is to show the same love that I show them.  I have some pretty amazing friends that have shown me more love than I have ever known in the past year.  They are amazing.  Some I didn't even realize that were always there all along. 

The pain is still there and it may take years.  Mourning is a process. 

But let me say this.  If a friend needs/wants you there ...

Just show up.

Here is the article ...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-atterberry/showing-up-the-single-most-important-thing-a-friend-can-do_b_5697930.html

~t

Staying motivated

Staying motivated is fucking hard.  And anyone who tells you otherwise is just lying.  There are SO many things that go on in my head that I want to do or want to work on and for some reason I cannot stay motivated or the allure of a good nap takes precedence over anything else I am doing or thinking of doing.  I did realize tonight that I have done SO much changing the past five years.  My mind, body, spirit and emotional health has really come a long way and I should be enthusiastically proud of that but it is human nature to always want more or not think you have done enough or achieved enough.
But I cannot find the DRIVE to want more.  I mean I "want" more but I feel like there is literally NOT enough time. 
I am trying to be patient and wait for the feeling of motivation for specific things to come. Patience is tough for me when I want results but in order to see results you have to actually start something right? 
I am still struggling with intermittent depression/anxiety and doing my best to not let it show ... But that's hard too.
Life is hard.

And anyone who tells you otherwise is just lying ... 
~t

Mutant beginnings ...

Hello
If you are here YAY!
I am going to start posting stuff about my lifting etc soon! Stay posted!

And the lucky winner is ....

So I just noticed that my blog has been viewed over 6000 times!!! I was hoping to get on RIGHT when it hit 6000 but I got here at 6004! 
I want to thank my viewers for looking in on me and reading my rambles and being patient with me and interested in me ... Bless your hearts! So if you are here ... Please leave a comment and in a few days I will give each comment a number and randomly draw and someone will win something special from ME!!! 
I promise to blog more, try to make this place a bit more interesting  ... Let me know what YOU would like to know more of! 
Thanks! 
T

And So She Woke Up ....

You know when you have one of those dreams where you talk to someone who is no longer in your life and you say to them all the things you want/need to say.  You unload it all ... And it becomes the most therapeutic thing ever.

You have all the emotions ... Sad, anger, relief, joy, disappointment and closure.
You wake up feeling it was real and you feel a bit better.

Yea that happened last night. What a feeling! 
It literally felt SO real. And while I know it was not ... My heart is a bit lighter today.
And it feels good. 

Another trip around the sun ....

Happy Birthday to me!
So much going on! I will blog soon!

Sweet child of mine .... Sixteen already!

Happy SWEET 16 Birthday to this kid right here!

She is my little peach! Very shy wee kid and always thought it was just that. As she grew though it became evident it was something more. She has been suffering with anxiety/depressive disorder for a few years now and I am so proud of all the progress she has made since the beginning.  She is an A-B student, still plays the clarinet ( for 8 years now), and an Ambassador level Girl Scout.  She is creative, compassionate, caring and smart. I understand how the struggle is and that makes me appreciate her battle all the more.  Sometimes when anxiety grips you and you are shutting down people will see you as rude or insensitive ... It is my job to help her understand that no one is fighting her battle but her and she just needs to work on her healing and in time she will learn how to navigate situations better.  I am fortunate and BLESSED that she loves her mom and dad and trusts us. She listens and learns (as much as her disorder allows) and tries to make herself a better person because she knows this is a lifelong battle.  She is brave.  She is strong and her dad and I are proud.

She amazes me with her intuition. The way she will say things I was just thinking two minutes before. The way she loves animals. I love the way she sees the injustices in the world today and feels so passionately about fixing them.  I love that she wants to stick up for the little guy.  I love the way she asks questions and how comfortable I feel answering them  maturely because I know she can handle the hard answers now.  She became a woman before my eyes and I am so proud of her.
She is amazing!

We love you Hailey Rose.  Our Rosie, our Rosebud.
Hope you birthday is the happiest ever!