Challenge accepted!

I can remember when a wee crying baby came into the world at 9lbs 5oz.
I remember what we decided his name was going to be.
I remember when I realized he was different than ALL the other babies, all the other toddlers and all the other pre-teens, teenagers ... Adults.
This boy was SO smart!
Standing at five months to pull his mobile down on his crib, figuring out how to climb out of his crib at nine months and escaping his screened in room from at a year.
But he did not speak.
No mama, no dada, no baba ...
Incoherent grunts, screaming, crying, pointing ... Tantrums!

This boy who I didn't think would ever survive kindergarten, elementary years.  Middle school, high school, driving a car ... Graduating.

We had no help or any services when he was small or any time.  No ABA, no HBTS, no respite, no PASS, no CEDDAR, no SSI.
I have been this boy's advocate, his speech pathologist, his occupational therapist, his play therapist, his teacher.  I sometimes feel as though I have been robbed of just being his mother.

Such care and thought went into trying to show him he is more than his diagnosis given to him so late in life of Aspergers at age eleven.
He has been called spoiled, stubborn, lazy, not working to his potential ... We have had good

educators and bad ones.  Doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist, medication after medication.

It has all come to this point that I never thought he would get to.  Graduation.
It's amazing when you sit with your baby and wonder ... What will he sound like when he speaks?  Then not hear him say mama until about three years old.  So many struggles.  So much crying, wondering, sleepless nights.

Now my worries are different.  Will he understand if someone tries to take advantage of him? Will he follow the wrong kids because they know he has Autism and he wants to be cool? Will he be able to hold a job? Will he ever be able to live on his own? Will he ever find a girl who will understand his MANY quirks and eccentricities? And love and appreciate them?

For now I am going to just enjoy the process and hope he can make it through graduation.
He is a bit nervous as am I.  This is a big step into the real world.  The small bites he has taken have not truly prepared him for the real meal of full fledged adulthood.  No more getting up and knowing exactly what he is doing.  Exactly what is expected of him.

It will be a challenge.  The one thing Hunter has never ever deprived us with is a damn good challenge.

Here we go boy .... Take a deep breath and ....jump ....

Heartache NoMore

I have always been the best friend I can be.  I have been there for highs and for some ... At their rock bottom when they were in despair! I don't ask for much.  I usually don't ask for anything at all. I like being a good friend it makes me feel happy to make other people happy and to know that people can count on me when they need me. No matter when ... if they need anything at all in the middle of exams, in the middle the night or for anything. But I guess I can't make everybody happy and sometimes no matter what you do it's just not good enough. But I know that I am a good friend and that I can be a good friend. If other people don't know that ... that is their loss. Myheart is not aching anymore.
I do not however like passive aggressiveness.  I still say that if you have something to say ... say it to my face.  It never ends!  I constantly feel like I'm in high school. I mean ... give me a break and grow up.  People know where to find me.  I am always prepared to defend myself if I'm defending myself against the truth.  If you're asking me to defend myself against lies well then I have nothing to give to you and that kind of fight is not worth my energy.

 Short and sweet.

Soft Memories

Happy Easter

Few things going on in this life of mine.

I joined a group called TOPS. Take Off Pounds Sensibly.
I have gained about 20 unwanted pounds. Eh it happens.  So this is a group of wonderful ladies who get together once a week and hold one another accountable.  We weigh in.  We laugh, cry, bond and don't judge.  I need it to get back on track.  So far .... Well .... We'll see.

Still feeling like I am crawling out of my own skin here and there. Still feeling that piece of loneliness that accompanies a big life decision.
But getting better every day.
Finding new company to keep.  Those who love me and appreciate me.  Nurturing friendships that I should have all along.
Loving the wonderful husband I have and my kids who need me.

Easter was always one of the holidays my mom really made special.  She would dress us up all nice.  We would have lots of family and friends around.  Colored eggs, hugs, kisses and chocolate.

My mom asked if I remember all the things we did when we were small.  I remember the feeling of those times.  Those hugs and kisses.
Colored eggs and love.

Three years ...

February 14th will mark three years out from gastric bypass surgery.
It was the day I chose as the day I was deciding to love myself and do something about my health.
It took three years for my doc to talk me into having the surgery as he saw my health declining more and more over the years due to my weight.  In September of 2012 I decided enough was enough and in Feburuary of 2013 I had done all the things I needed to do and was ready to get this done.

Three years seems just crazy to me.  In the first six months I had lost 100lbs.  In the next 3-6 months I had lost 20lbs.  Then I had lost my max.  My lowest was 148 lbs.  I looked sick and unhealthy but as I said in my previous blog ... I knew my body knew what it was doing and slowly I started putting on some weight.  I remained comfortable at 160-165 for almost a year and a half.
I am now 185.
I have 20lbs to lose.
I have begun analyzing my eating habits and trying to figure out where that 20lbs has come from.
I rejoined my TOPS group with a bunch of amazing ladies.  (TOPS - Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)
I am starting to slowly add more exercise in my weekly life.  I had looked back on my fitbit information (it was down for almost a year due to a lost charger) and saw that a year ago I was walking/jogging at least 3-4 times a week and over the past year have not done any of that.

I suffered a terrible time of depression this past spring/summer.  I think that is when the weight went on.  Not due to eating but due to complete lack of moving my body, sleeping as much as I could and actually NOT feeding my body like I should have been. 
Depression will kill ya.  It literally HURT to go through a tough time of depression.  All you want to do is sleep and do nothing.
Ending my college years was a huge accomplishment as well as a huge let down of emotions that are very hard to explain.  While I was proud of myself for accomplishing a goal I set out to do ... it was also clouded with a terrible realization of some things in my life that would soon come to an end.  So while it was the beginning of one thing ... it also ended up being the ending to another.  My heart burst with pride for doing something I set out to do and could show my children that you CAN be a wife, mom, daughter, friend ...
my heart also was weighed down by sorrow to find out that certain things in life are not always as they seem and something that was a HUGE part of my life would end.
Happiness and sorrow.
Greatness and grief.

After graduation I applied for my masters at RIC and did not get accepted.
SOoooooo out into the working world I went.
AMAZINGLY difficult.  After basically being a stay at home mom for 15 years ... I was facing the world in a whole new way.
I got a job and was now a "working mom".  Entering with rose-colored glasses I soon learned how the other side of the world works.
It is hard to keep a smile and fresh attitude when you enter the working world with so many other personalities.  A lot of people were "oh boy ... welcome to the real world" (see a previous post on THAT)
yup ... what I learned in the six months since working full time is this .... you find out quick what the world is ALL about.
Dealing with over a dozen personalities at one time is tough to navigate.  Not that I have not done this before ... just not on a DAILY basis. 
You find out quick that some people just don't want to be bothered, some people are genuinely sweet, some people are petty, some are interesting, some are kind, some are willing to teach and some are not, some are there for you and some are not.
Group dynamics are amazing!  I studied a lot about this in school.  Behavior and what makes people behave the way they do is something that I always had a passion for.  Wow ... did I have my work cut out for me.  Finding my place among a staff has proven much more difficult than I thought.
Grown ups are proving more difficult than I thought.  LOL
I have taken it down a few notches and am less enthusiastic than I was in the beginning but still feel like I am a good worker and can be a good friend to anyone who asks.  My rose colored glasses are less rosy but not dulled out by tough situations that have arisen. 
I have learned a lot.  Filed away a bunch of information that has allowed me to grow a bit and I feel I am a better person over all having experienced a few things.
Lesson learned.

As far as the bypass for those of you who are here for that ... I have learned if you were unhappy before and do not find out why ... You will be unhappy still after.  The more unhappy you were before ... the more you will change after.  I think people really need to analyze why they need/want the surgery.  I feel like it has made my life healthier sure ... but also I have lost things due to the surgery.  Mainly relationships.  I have lost friendships. 
I think my marriage is stronger.  My relationship with my kids is stronger.  I have made new friendships from having the surgery. 
BUT I have also LOST friendships because of the surgery.

I have gained health.  I will give this piece of advice.  Get your shit into order before considering the surgery.  Think about what makes your life joyful.  Think about what makes your life less joyful.  Think about the people who are important to you.  Think about what surrounds that importance.  Think about what relationships are worth fighting for.  Things WILL change in some way or another after surgery.  It is a lifelong thing.  Your life will improve on SO many levels but with that comes things that will happen that you would never think would happen.  Make sure you have a good support system in place.  If your marriage is a bit shaky ... work on that shit before surgery because surgery will NOT make that better unless you are willing as a team to accept the changes that come along with this lifelong decision.
Think about your relationship with food cause that is going to change IMMENSELY!  I have a hard time "enjoying" food anymore.  And EVERYONE'S experience with weight loss surgery (WLS) is different.  Not ONE SINGLE case is the same as another.  This is what is most difficult and even though you hear it before WLS you don't really have it sink in until afterwards when you hear about people who cannot eat ice cream and you still can.  Or how you cannot eat cereal like EVER ... but people after WLS have no issues.  How it took you a year to gulp down water but some people can chug it three weeks later after surgery.  You have to be willing to take the risk that you have NO IDEA what YOUR life will be like after surgery.  You know for certain something has to be done for your health and you know surgery will put you on that path but while some people path is smooth ... yours may be rocky or vice versa.  If you have control issues ... work on THAT before surgery.  Because for a long time your BODY will be telling YOU what to do.  It will be IN CONTROL.  Your mind will want one thing and your body will want another.  Mind hunger is the DEVIL.  You will need a lot of support to get through it.  Take advantage of people who want to help especially if any of those people have done WLS themselves.

Next posts will be about what I am eating these days and how the weight loss is going after three weeks.

As always ....
Be at peace.  Love yourself.  Love others.
Be kind.

~t
 Below is my life ... the reason I live.  
For my husband, my kids and my pups!

 

The Road Alone

Big changes in life are going to happen.
You will have people who tag along and rejoice and those who fall by the wayside and regret.
You will grow and learn from it or inherit a bitter heart.
Everyday we make a choice. 

What will you choose?
I know what I have chosen.

An enlightened heart.
Peace


~t

New Year 2016

A New Year is upon us and the second half of 2015 sucked ass for me.
A time when a HUGE accomplishment was achieved in my life (working my ass off to get my Bachelors) ended up being clouded by heart break ... The heart break of my life.
I am left with a hole in my heart forever.
I am not healing as quickly as I have in the past or as quickly as I thought.
And I know now ... I will forever be a different person.
Maybe because I have become wiser, stronger ... Or I woke up.
Either way ... It's going to take a process of mourning that I am not quite used to.
And this time I walk it more alone than I have before.
I am exhausted from wondering why. Exhausted from trying to understand what I did.  Exhausted from trying to figure things out.
I have no bitterness in my heart.  I never did.  Only true confusion and unconditional love.
But I am finally letting the clouds of confusion disappear and lift from my heart.
Because I have to.  I owe it to those who want me to be here for them and be the best me I can be.

This year I look forward to sticking by my decisions.
Moving on from what was lost to me and raising my kids and strengthening my family.
Building new friendships in mid-life and bonding to those who were there for me all along but I never saw.  Those that patiently waited for me to reach out to them ... Who were standing among the shadows but never too far for when I needed them most.

I think I have felt enough heart ache in this past year and I am ready....
I am choosing to walk away.  I am too exhausted to try any longer.
I am ready ...

To have a great life.

The 2015 Year in Review for The Wards!

SO ... if you are here you care to know more about what the Wards have been up to this year.

I have decided to phase Facebook out of my life for the most part.  It really is full of garbage and takes up too much of my time.  I enjoy blogging much more anyway and hope to keep this page updated so come back often friends!

So ... HAPPY HOLIDAYS!  Another year on the planet!
The Wards have been very busy this year.
Tony and I celebrated our 19th year married and 23 years together!
Hunter turned 18 this year and Hailey turned 15.

Hunter is a senior in high school.  He is still working in the vocational Marine Trades in school but the most exciting thing that happened this year is that through ORS (office of rehabilitation services) he was placed in a job with Simplex in Providence.  This was the first time this company has worked with ORS.  Hunter impressed them so much that they asked if he could stay!  He still continues to work there three days a week after school and hopefully will be offered a full time position once he graduates in June.  He also has gotten his permit and has been taking driving lessons offered by ORS.  He will take his road test in February.  We also had another amazing summer with Surfers Healing.

This summer he played flag football again with the Trudeau Tigers and Special Olympics and once again took home the gold.  He also did a 4.1 military style race with me called Boulder Dash.  His grades are decent and for the most part keeping his teenage fresh mouth in check! :)

Hailey is a Sophmore and will be making the decision of which school she will go to next year.  Her high school is converting to a junior high so she has a few options and decisions to make.  She is on the honor roll and still plays the clarinet.  Her band just had a winter concert and they did great!  She has played soccer and is now doing track.  We are proud of her for going out of her comfort zone and trying new things. Her anxiety and depression issues have been pretty successfully taken care of with awesome therapy and medication.  And we are thankful so much for this! She also did the Color Run this year with a few friends.  This year Hailey is in her tenth consecutive year as a Girl Scout.  In June of 2016 she will be bridging to Ambassador.  She remains focused in her studies and her art.  This year has been a good one for Hailey!

Tony is still working at Brown University.  He is an HVAC technician with them.  The big news this year for the big guy is that he was elected president of his union and is looking forward to making changes and working hard to make his union a strong one for the people.  He is a hard worker, a great husband and father.  He continues to be the rock in this family.

I FINALLY earned my Bachelors in Psychology from Rhode Island College.  It was a long hard road but I have finally done it.  I began working full time for the first time since the kids were born.  In September I was employed by the Providence Center.  I am a teachers assistant in the Providence Center High School.  It is a great stepping stone for getting my toes wet into the working world.  I honestly love it!  I could not have asked for a better first job after exiting college and stay at home motherhood.  I continue to do respite work for some pretty awesome families and love them all.  I still watch my little Saturday buddy for four years now.  I also still am a Thirty-One Senior consultant.  I believe it is FIVE years now.  WOW> www.mythirtyone.com/tward
(shameless plug)
This year was a bit of a struggle for me with my anxiety and depression but the doc and I are working on adjusting my meds.  Those of you who know the struggle ... know its real and sometimes it takes time.  This summer was a tough one for me.  Emotions were up and down.  The holidays give me mixed emotions but I am handling them.  Depression is an illness and it is a struggle every day.  I am certainly looking forward to 2016 and growing and learning more and more about what is truly important to me and my mental health.  I have a wonderful support system and am so thankful for that.

Angel and Bruno are still maniacs.  They turned seven this year.  We lost a few chickens here and there throughout the year to wild life.  We now have only four.

Our little beach house is still standing strong and we look forward to making a few changes in 2016.

Our family has been truly blessed with happiness and health this year.

To all my family, friends, followers, customers, readers .... I care about each and every one of you.
The variety of people I have in my life ... I am truly blessed and appreciate you all.
From my family to yours .... We wish you the warmest, happiest and most joyous of holiday season and a wonderful, healthy and prosperous New Year.

-t