Bless and Release

I am not sure who reads this blog.
Sure, I can see traffic but I do not know who comes here.  I do this blog for me but also for others who may be going through some of the same things or who I can help relate.
I touched upon what this post is going to be about a little on my Facebook but Facebook is not the place for all that.
I have had a seriously tough year.
But recently it has been I have fallen out of the good graces of a few people. To no reason known to me.  Reaching out has been met with a curt manner.
Let's talk about two sides.
I have feelings too and no it is not always about me.  I have written posts on that too.  But when it feels painful when you are reaching out to someone you respected and thought a friend and are met with a curt attitude ... how can that not hurt? How can that not feel about you?
When I am in a bad space I depend upon my friends.  I tend to withdraw often into myself.  When friends reach out to me I feel blessed.  If I just cannot deal I always thank them for checking in and assure them I will reach out to them if I need anything.
This is normal no?
I have recently reached out to a few that do not seem to want anything to do with me and ....
Right ....maybe it IS NOT ABOUT ME ... 

But believe me we ALL are selfish. No one wants to say it but it is true.  It is human nature to protect yourself, feel for yourself, heal yourself, strengthen yourself ... human nature.
It IS about you because that is how we perceive the world through OUR own thoughts and senses. As humans we are capable of empathy, sympathy, compassion.  Our first knee jerk reaction is to "feel" through our own feelings.  Then we assess the situation and see if it requires other feelings ... usually the 
feeling of putting ourselves in someone's else's place.  Some are better at this than others.
In my recent post on FB I had stated that I genuinely wish no malice on anyone.
I know there are those who may or may not believe this.
But I am serious ... I am done trying to figure out why people do things they do.  It hurts me not knowing why or wondering what I did wrong to him or her or them or whatever.
It makes my heart ache to not have answers.  It hurts even more when those answers are probably never going to be answered.
I literally want peace.  I have made decisions and I am living with those decisions. I have a hard line.
Everyone's hard line is different.
My hard line is my kids.  If you hurt one of my kids then that's where the line is.
You get no more chances after that.
You can break my heart, leave me, break your promises, not show up, talk shit, make up stories about me ... but when you hurt one of my kids ... done.
I have made decisions and lost friendships.
But what am I showing my kids if I allow someone to keep hurting me and then keep them in my life?
Sometimes I am sad.  I live with it.
I have no malice towards those though.
Every single person who has come into my life has given me a gift.  I have memories of wonderful times of those friendships and I will always treasure them.
People change. Paths change. Friendships change.... for all 
kinds of reasons.
Especially living in the smallest state in the United States ... there is almost five people on a daily basis I recognize just going out to the grocery store and not even in my own city! It is crazy.  So we all have to learn to live with one another. 
The thing that hurts me the most is the closure.  The what-if do not bother me as much because if I make a decision, especially if it was based on my hard line, I am going to stick by it.
I just wish I knew the whys ... the whys hurt the most.
Again, human nature, all about me ... and anyone who says they do not think about themselves first is lying because that is self-preservation all the way back to our ancestors. Ya know the whole give the oxygen to yourself first before you help others.  You are best to reach out and help others when you are in a good space yourself.  Hell, I have reached out to others to offer help when my life was a shit show because I genuinely care ... a lot of good that did me.

But I have learned through maturity, therapy, modern medicine and LOTS of reflection and meditation ... I have learned to bless and release.  But I do not feel others have.
And that is okay.  Like I also said in my FB ... everyone who knows me knows where to find me. I have a porch for sitting and crying and talking.
I have had lots of disagreements on that porch. I have had lots of love and laughter on that porch.
I am sure there will be many more.
But if you ever find yourself in a situation such as this at least give the courtesy of letting people know the "why". 
It makes a difference. But for now the WHYs just sit on the shelf and I walk on in my life fostering and cultivating the things that I can to stay healthy.
And I hope others do the same with a free heart.

Peace always and in all ways.
True story folks