The Dreaming Tree

“The dreaming tree
Sang to me
Given by a friend who thought of me
Trees are life ... some have been here for centuries
Even people who have known one another for mere years
Can be centuries old in their hearts
Similar stories but different
Living a life with children who others will never understand
Living a world of uncomfortableness others will never know

Sometimes even feeling estranged from your partner in life
Who created those beings with you out of love
No one understands
The hurt of a mothers heart
 But the dreaming tree does
You taste it, drink it in and relax
You forget for just one damn moment that you struggle
That you hurt
That you yearn
That you pray
That you scream
That you wish
Then you wake up and do what you need to do
Because you are a badass bitch
And you have no choice
So says the Dreaming Tree”
t
2020/2

Lonely but not alone

I want to know how you can feel so alone when you’re surrounded by so many people who love you

I want to know what the answer is when the answer is unknown and out of reach

I want to know when you do all you can to be the best you can be and yet you are not the best according to anyone

I want to know why my brain suffers when all It wants to do is give happiness to others

Is this the curse of a true caregiver

To always give of yourself and always wonder why yourself is suffering

To always think of others first and yourself last

Do you wonder why no matter what you do or how you do it to take care of others there never seems to be anyone to take care of you to satisfy your soul to what you give

If this is the curse of the caregiver?

Sometimes I want it ... sometimes I don’t and that is another curse in and of itself that you don’t get to choose

You need to take it or leave it

There will come a time in your life where you will have to make the decision of which path you want to take

Taking it or leaving it; a curse or a gift

It is always your choice but it never feels like it

t 

2020/2

The Truth that no one talks about

This is all about bypass ...  sorry gastric bypass .... for  full RNY ... bypass seven years later. A lot of people who have experienced and gone  through this journey have gained weight and have gained weight more than expected (most people getting at least 30 to 40 pounds after gastric bypass) which is actually pretty normal see this article with empirical research.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1542356510011109
Among 165 patients included in our study, 59% had significant weight regain (≥20% of maximum weight lost after the RYGB) and 41% did not. The mean percentage of maximal weight lost after RYGB that was regained in the entire cohort was 30% ± 22%. Gastrojejunal stoma diameter was associated significantly with weight regain after RYGB surgery in univariate analysis (β = .31, P < .0001). This association remained significant after adjusting for several known or purported risk factors for weight regain (β = .19, P = .003). We developed a simple prediction rule for weight regain after RYGB using a 7-point scoring system that includes the gastrojejunal stoma diameter, race, and percentage of maximal body weight lost after RYGB; a cut-off score of 4 or more points had an area under receiver operating characteristic curve of 0.76 and a positive predictive value of 75%.“

I have personally known people who have had the RNY gastric bypass and have been all of the way back within three years and then some I personally have gained back 30 pounds. Now while some of you may think, who have had the gastric bypass, wish they had only gained back 30 pounds, I feel this is a defeat in my personal journey to being healthy. I cannot 100% attribute that weakness to food and not look at the factor that I have been inactive with illness, a concussion, life trauma, and the things that come along with growing in age, so where do you draw the line? Do you just look at it as you needed to do what you had to do to get along in life? Do you look at it as I’m getting older, 45 years Of age, and then I’m just a lazy shit. Do you look at it as I was going for my masters degree and suffered from a severe concussion and I was just a lazy shit and needed to take the time to heal, and therefore did not move my body?  Do I sit down and eat pints of Ben & Jerry’s like I used to?  No I do not. Because I can no longer do that after the gastric bypass. One of the sad losses I have is that I can no longer enjoy ice cream. I can no longer enjoy tuna. I can no longer enjoy cereal. I can no longer enjoy oatmeal. I can no longer enjoy a plethora of other foods that used to enjoy but that is OK because my health in general is better but I have to get rid of this 30 pounds. 
If you are a new gastric bypass patient and you are reading this please know that there is a common thread of lack of mental health support to people that are going for this operation that I feel is a travesty.  I have known and counseled too many souls who have asked me about my gastric bypass journey that I have told personally that everyone’s journey is different and that they have to be mentally prepared. Some have a listen to me, some have not. I am not tooting my own horn here, but the ones who have not listened to me and not taken  the steps mentally are the ones that are failing now 2-3 years later. I am all in support for gastric bypass I think whenever has gotten you to the point where you can no longer keep your health in check on your own and you  tried everything and I mean .... everything to be able to keep your weight down ... the gastric bypass may be the answer for you. However if you spent your 20s eating like a fool and think that in your 30s you want to just be “skinny “and gastric bypass will help you get there you will fail. 
Out of the 120 pounds that I lost that I’ve needed to lose throughout my gastric bypass journey I have managed to maintain 80 pounds of it off permanently. I need to work on those 30 pounds that I have gained over the last two years of the seven years since my gastric bypass but that is up to me ... that is not a surgical question, that is not a medical question, it is a question of whether I can or cannot do the things I need to do to keep that weight off. Before gastric bypass I was active, Busy, healthy,( other than Pre-diabetic, sleep apnea and GERD), but I was actually proud to be a big woman. I did not let my weight stop me from doing anything I wanted to do according to society because society can go fuck themselves.
 But after gastric bypass I have noticed a huge shift in the way that people treat me, and the way the society sees me, and the way that I go about my life on a daily basis. It was pretty euphoric for awhile ... 
I don’t ever want to be as big as I was before. It is not healthy, it is not conducive to the longevity of my life, and it is something that I have made a life goal not to happen.  
The point and purpose of this post is this. If you are not at a place where you can be mentally prepared for gastric bypass, because it is going to fuck with your brain, you really need to evaluate what you’re doing with your body right now that you actually need or are contemplating about the surgery.
I am a counselor in training. I am devoted to mental health. And I think the lack of mental health concerning people who are going in for weight loss surgery, or bariatric surgery the medical field has done a great disservice to everyone. One of the areas of expertise I would like to have becoming a counselor when I get my license is to help bariatric patients realize that it’s not just about being “skinny” it is about a lifelong journey and a in-depth look at yourself of Why are you were overweight in the first place and how you got there. It may not be pretty and may not make you feel great but it’s not about the numbers it’s not about the money that your medical insurance gets it’s not about the money that your surgeon gets and it’s not about anything other than YOU ...  and I wish we could get back to that because it literally is all about the person ...  that is all. Peace to you always and in ALL ways.
t

Title Unknown

Mental Health issues SUCK.  
This is  the why I have chosen to go into the mental health field.  
BUT there is a stigma of mental health and whether people who suffer from it can be productive, important members of society despite it. 
 Given the fact that some may think of "us" (mentally ill) as productive, participating, advancing and important members of the mental health wellness field it is false gives power to the fact that the idea of mentally ill people doing so.  
This is a stigma we need to break.  I am a victim of trauma.  I have a mental illness.  I have trauma from childhood that has affected who I am and who I have become.  I have HOWEVER chosen my path as a path of wellness and healing and HELPING those who are also traveling the same road but may or may not have the same resilience or strength I have found (however that may be ... genetics, guidance, life events or whatevers) 
THIS makes me powerful and in the position of power to use my powers for good instead of wallowing in my own self-pity and make people's lives better.  SOME say "hey maybe you should not talk too much about your mental illness ... it makes people uncomfortable"  
I say ... BE uncomfortable ... BE aware ... BE not so right with what IS SO wrong with the world and mental illness and trauma and abuse and mental incapacities and then maybe we can have an intelligent, coherent conversation on how to make people well. 
 THAT is what I want and STRIVE for in my journey in the field of mental health awareness.  No more secrets.  NO more smoke screens.  No more pretending that shit does not exist in our worst nightmares but also in our most vivid realities.  This is it.  THIS is the end of the stigma.  Enough is enough.  

The poem was written by me.    I have finally given it a title. 

Imagination Saved Me.

So once there was this little girl all full of wonder and imagination
Innocent and pure playing in spaces of her own mind
Making extraordinary worlds out of ordinary places
Doing what little children are meant to do
But not because she chose to but because she HAD TO
TO escape the hurt, the abuse
the things she knew was not right
When it occurred to her that these things, these feelings are not supposed to happen at the age of five, six, seven
And beyond or before
These were grown-up things
Grown-up feelings and intensities
Things introduced too early
So her brain protected her
With forts and dragons and fairies
And all things beautiful and magical
In the world that took her away
Until the darkness came again
When the dungeons and the chains and the darkness crept in
That child grew
Despite the hurt
Despite the realization that a small vulnerable body should not or could be exposed to such grown-up feelings
Despite the physical manifestations that a child of mere five should ever feel
And she grew like a flower blooming in a field of weeds
In a field of unfertilized ground to become something that perhaps was meant to be
And therein lies the beauty of abuse that never should have been
~t 2019/10

Crescent Moon

I see you crescent moon
I see your beauty
I wonder if those who love me are looking
at the same moon, I am tonight
Those who have been lost to me
Are you wondering about me?
Are you searching for me?
Are you thinking of me?
The moon shines down whether you are
or you are not.
I wonder about YOU
I wonder if you think about me
Wonder about me
Still, care about me
Wonder if I am wondering about you
and if you even care if you are wondering
if I am wondering about you
See the conundrum there?
the paradox of feelings?
the unknown that chills my soul
on the daily
But the moon rises and falls
and cares not about our cares
but watched us one night
Full
In the ocean. Lighting up the night
sky and the dark ocean like a beacon
Naked.  Vulnerable and free.
Never to be that way again.
or so life may have it
or so life may seem.
Who knows?
Maybe the moon knows more than you and me

Maybe the moon has a secret that she is not telling
I can wait.
I can wait a hundred years to hear it.
Just tell me, moon ... what do you know?
My soul yearns to know ... I will wait a hundred years.
To hear your secrets of the ones lost to me.
I am patient.  I will wait.
t
2019

Motorcycle Accident

My motorcycle accident 9-10-11

September 11, 2011 at 8:51pm

This was written in 2011 and I still remember this day like it was yesterday.  Along with it being the day before the the World TradeCenter Buildings went down and over 3,000 lives were lost that day ... mine was almost lost as well.  I cannot believe how blessed I was to have survived that day.  I am blessed and thankful and happy and try to do good in the world ever since that day.Why does it always take near death to make us realize how precious life is.  t (2019)

Dear Asphalt .....

Seriously though ... yesterday Tony and I set out on the bikes to the yearly company party in Mattapoisett.  IT was such a beautiful day!  Should I ride all that way?  I had gotten my license last year and had been on the highway once or twice now.  Gone fast, merged ... the whole thing.  But this was like an hour away.  At least 50 minutes on the highway ... going onto 195 ... over a bridge, through a tunnel ( I don't like either ... even in a car).  Should I just ride as a passenger on Tony's bike? ... Nope ... Here we go.

So we do all that ... SO proud of myself for all the bridge thing, the tunnel, riding over messed up grooved roads, merging, slowing down ... paying attention.  Fifty minutes ... getting off the highway ... Mattapoisett, almost there YAY!

Downshifting ... face kinda tingling from 50 minutes of highway air on my face.  Tony had given me the "rock on" fingers cause I had done a good job.  Then on Rt 6 ... Tony slows down ... what? ... Didn't see him slow ... didn't feel him slow down.  Now he is RIGHT THERE!  I swerved and hit the right saddlebag ... bounce right, I pulled the handlebars to try to stabilize.  Tony is now pulled off to the side.  I realize I am in the "death wobble" and ... relinquish control of the bike.  I hit the pavement going about 25-30 mph.  I see the bike slide ahead of me.  Feel my back hit the ground.  I tumbled and then slid on the asphalt about another 30ft.  After all, was said and done.  I was sitting upright, on the solid yellow lines in the middle of a four-lane road ... rt 6 in Mass.  I see oncoming traffic.  Hear cars behind me.  See Tony approaching me ... telling me to sit still.  I realize my helmet is on.  I can feel my legs.  My arms and feet are burning like they are on fire.  I am sitting.  Then a woman comes to the right of me.  Traffic all stops around me.  I hear people talking to me ... "what's your name" "what day is it"  "where are you"  Now I realize it is NOT a dream.  Tony is in front of me answering questions.  "no she did not get hit"  "no a car did not hit her"  "no she hit me in the rear"  "Yes ... I am her husband"  My back ... I cannot breathe at all ... the pain ... OMG ... is my skin on fire?

Then LOTS of questions.  From me "where's Tony"  "Why is my foot burning"  "Did I ruin the bikes?"  Then " I am so sorry ... I am so sorry Tony!" "where's my iPad2" YES people ... I asked for my iPad2 ... which was IN the saddlebag I had hit and I just realized I just had it only a week and it was in the saddlebag I hit with my motorcycle.  Okay, that brought a lightened moment.

But then back to business.  NECK BRACE< head strapped to a backboard and then taped (cause I was being fiesty"  Oh man ... now in the ambulance.  Damn bumpy ride.  Off to St. Luke's in New Bedford Massachusetts.  Oh crap, there goes medical!  All kinds of questions ... answered them all nice and clear.  Now I am shaking and crying because it hurts SO SO SO bad.  The EMT is pointing out all my wounds cause I cannot move.  Where's Tony?  I find out that his bike is pretty much okay and he is riding it to the hospital while my bike gets picked up off the road by a friend.  What?  How is that possible?

At the hospital.  Alone for just a bit.  Diane shows up ... my little angel! Then Tony after her.  I was SO embarrassed.  So stupid, I felt SO stupid.  Did I have a brain fart or something?  Why didn't I feel him slow down ... was there a brake light and I didn't see it?  Why was I not paying attention?  Was I too close?  Now I am just another STUPID girl on a motorcycle.  A stupid broad who should have not been riding a motorcycle.

But then a good friend told me ... You were doing something you enjoyed and loved.  Things happen and don't let anyone tell you otherwise ... you deserve to do things that make you happy. 

LOVE YOU DIANE!

Okay okay, so she is right ... she is you know!

I ended up with some pretty ugly meaty road rash mostly all along my left side.  Left wrist, forearm, little on the knee, top of foot REAL bad.  Broken rib in the back.  Nicks and cuts around fingers, hands.

NO head trauma, NO neck injury, NO face or teeth trauma. 

Pretty damn lucky ... pretty damn blessed. 

I don't want to think of the could haves ... because ALL the could haves are scary. 

I just know that I am here.  I am safe.  Superficial wounds.  Hurting HELL yes but I am feeling the pain and it reminds me ... I am here.

Dear Human Race

Love ...

April 22, 2010 at 12:13am

Since the day I came to be, I provided you with all you needed
I had shelter for you, food for you and love for you
Since I became what I am ... I gave you air and kept you safe
Along came more and more of the taking ... but I still loved you
More and more of the stealing ... but I still loved you
You puncture me, use me and abuse me
But I still love you.
I am here for you ... but I may not always be.
Take time to appreciate me.

Not just one day of the year ... but every day.
Take time to enjoy the gifts I give to you without selfishness.
Realize that I am one of a kind. All things were put into place
for you to survive with me.
There is no other like me and not likely to be.
Smell me, feel me ... love me too.
Listen to me ... embrace me with love.
That is all I ask of you.
Love,
The Earth

Written by Tami Ward April 22, 2010 Earth Day