The ugly

I wrote this below a few nights ago ... I wasn't going to post it.  It was sitting there as a draft.  Ya know what?  I am posting it.  I feel much better then when I wrote this and I think it's important to share as others may be feeling this way and maybe it will make them feel not so alone.  I promised to always be honest.  So, dear readers, I am in a better place today.  Carry on
-T


I feel frustrated tonight.  Well the past day or so really.  I feel like cognitively I have not grasped the concept of the finality of what goes on inside my body.  I will NEVER be able to eat like I used to.  Ever.  My insides will always be different than most.  My stomach sliced, intestines re-routed.  Every time I eat, I think about it.  Will this be ok?  Will I get sick?  Why are my insides making that awful sound?  Why am I so gassy?  How much protein did I have today?  Did I take all my vitamins/meds? Did I drink enough water?
I feel worn out and tired of thinking about it.  Fucking exhausted actually.  I think now more about food and what goes into my body then I ever have!  I am sick of it.

I feel like when I see all the stories of people going from a size whatever to a super small size I cannot even fathom my bones alone fitting into that size.  But I have seen pictures!  Of women who were BIGGER than me to start and they are in a size 4 pants!  Say what!?  I am not sure if you stripped all the fat and skin off my bones that my pelvis alone would fit into a 4 pants!  As an adult I have never been smaller than a size 14.   How will I get there?  How long will it take?  Is it even possible?!

I am not patient.  I am bitchy today and I am roaring.  Lots of stuff in my head.  No regrets ...just a LOT of frustration!