So this morning I slept until noon. I went to bed later than usual last night ... maybe about 1:20. I have decided something I have always known. Sleeping is my coping mechanism. I know my gastric bypass has given me a whole new life and perspective on things but when I look back I really don't eat much differently than I did BEFORE the bypass. Quantity was maybe the main culprit ... but thinking more about it ... my coping mechanism was probably more the culprit. And that was sleeping. I slept when I was sad. I slept when I felt overwhelmed. I slept when something didn't go my way. I slept when I was disappointed. I could sleep forever. So I would get up, pee, maybe get something to eat sometimes good choices sometimes bad and as soon as I was done ... back to bed. My metabolism was at a stand still. My body was ALWAYS in starvation mode and never knew when my next meal was so it HELD onto my fat like a damn miser holding onto his gold. I didn't take IN many calories it was the NOT burning them off that made a difference because I LOVED my pillow, my bed ... the dreams and escape from reality I could get. I actually became quite an efficient lucid dreamer. I could get up, pee (LOL) go back to bed and pick that damn dream up right were I left off! It was like going to the movies! But it was not healthy. I was a napping/sleeping fool.
And there for a few shaky years, with two kids, that I DID indeed do that. I especially remember one particular year. Not too sure what year it was. During this year NEITHER child got to school on time EVER! Seriously I was the mom from hell that year. The teacher's were concerned but screw them they didn't know what I was going through. And WHAT was I going through ... I don't even remember. EVERY SINGLE chance I got I would sleep. I would sleep all weekend. Man ... dark years going on there.
My blessed husband did what he could. Helped how he could but he kinda just worked to keep the money flowing in so even he didn't really know the extend of my depression. He was working full time AND part time AND going to school part time. To better our family and I NEVER begrudged him for that. Never ever thought "Why isn't he here for me" He was doing what he had to do to insure our future would be bright. But those times were not bright for me. A couple of things snapped me out of it. One times I sent Hunter to school in his sister's jeans. They had butterflies on the back pockets and some kids made fun of him in school. His reaction was "Hey my mom is tired a lot ... she just made a mistake ... shut up!" Go boy! But I did get a call from the school to pick him up or bring him another pair of pants. Which totally interrupted the nap I was taking! The nerve! Geez. Another time was when I was napping on the couch in complete exhaustion and despair and Hunter shook me to tell me his sister was blue. She had apparently found a teeny tiny traffic cone from one of Hunter's Hot Wheels sets and had put it in her mouth, pointy end down. And was not breathing. I picked her up did the ol' back slapping thing and the cone came flying out! Her color returned and she was back to playing like nothing happened. Needless to say my ass was VERY awake the rest of that day! Plus the fact I had ten years just shaved off my young life.
Things got better from there but I never felt "right". I tried a few different kinds of medicine combinations but some made it hard on the sex life, some just didn't work and some just had too many side effects. I ended up with Wellbutrin. The best one yet. During nursing Hailey for her first year I didn't need anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds at all ... she was my natural drug. Nursing released all kinds of endorphins and it was a great natural way to relax. But she started to wean herself at about ten months and then was only nursing at night and in the morning and then one day at exactly 12 months ... she was ALL set. I was SO sad. But I let her lead the way and that was her way.
After that was when the serious depression set in. THAT was when I was trying the different meds and finally ended up with the Wellbutrin which FINALLY seemed to help. It did helps for a few years and I only had a few dips, hills and valleys. Having a child with Autism is SO difficult and unless you live it every day ... you just cannot understand. So after finding out I was as high as I could go on my Wellbutrin I added Celexa! YES! The clouds disappeared and the sun came out! LOL! Things were so much better for so many years. Plus Tony was done with his apprenticeship and was home more. The kids were older and playing together, making friends, being more independent and generally easier to take care of. They were at the age when I could really enjoy them, teach them. They wanted to learn about new things and why things were they way they were and this brought out the natural teacher in me. But I fought every day the demons that wracked my brain and I still do ... cause that little bastard is always around the corner. And I don't know why I let him stalk me ... others don't understand it either. But he is always there. And I always need to shoo him away and some days its just fucking exhausting and I am tired and I let him slip and meld onto me like a leech. And lately I have been having more and more days of letting him invade me and I am always worried about those dark days from the past. Part of it is laziness cause he is stronger than I am ... and some of it is just easier to let him lull me to sleep. But the spring is coming and he does not like the sunshine so that is my weapon. It is ALWAYS easier to keep him at bay in the spring, summer and fall. So here's to SPRING ... and my super power of sunshine and sand between my toes and flowers blooming and green grass. TAKE THAT you little bastard ... I got this!
T
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