First official holiday after surgery

So yesterday was Easter Sunday.  Easter is not a big of a holiday as say, like Thanksgiving or Christmas as far as an eating holiday.  But it has yummy chocolate!  More than the other holidays.  I did not eat one stinking Cadbury mini egg!  Believe it!  I so wanted to but know they are a weakness of mine so I didn't even buy any ... Not even for the kids.

So we go to dinner every year to my dad's.  my step-mom makes yummy pickled hard boiled colored eggs and I had one of those.  I also had a salad, first one since surgery.  Then at dinner, I passed on the rolls, but took ham, asparagus, white and sweet potatoes.  Just a tablespoon of each.  My plate looked full and I wondered, gee, could I eat all that?  The answer, yes, just about all of it.  I felt full, not too full.  Comfortable.  Did I want to eat more, yes ... Did I? No.  Did I feel like I ate too much?  No.

But I was kinda scared because I almost felt like I SHOULD have been sick.  Like I SHOULD have not been able to eat that much just under six weeks out from surgery.  I still stuck to the rule of not drinking before, during or half an hour after food.  This continues to be very hard for me as I always feel thirsty.

I want to be successful on this journey.  I want to be healthy and feel and look good.  I hear and read about others NO WAY being able to eat the things I can right now.  Some still have pain this soon out.  Some can barely keep their protein shakes down.  They are losing faster than me but I am losing at a steady and satisfactory pace according to my surgeon.  Should I be happy?

Of course I am happy but part of me wonders why I seem so different. I have had NO issues with ANYTHING I have eaten.  I have had normal "movements".   I can take all my pills, vitamins and supplements and shakes with no problem.  I always make sure I get in my 60-80 protein in a day.  My water consumption is still a bit lacking but I am working on it.

I was not as happy with my Easter pictures as I wanted to be.  This kinda made me sad.  I want the weight to melt off... Slide off!  I want it to go!  I am impatient!  I see all these pictures of people who look so different after losing 100 or more pounds.  I have 75 more to go.  I want to be there.

I am such a whiner, I know.  In just under six weeks I have come so far!  I am seeing a number on the scale I have not seen in years and years and I am in pants that I have not fit into since high school!

Stop bitching, right?  Well I am emotional as well and I think this is normal.  Just putting it here maybe will let someone else feel like they are not alone.

I just want to use my tool properly because that's what it is ... A tool.  And like any tool, it can be misused!

I don't want to be one of "those" stories.

I want to be a success story.

Late nights o' pondering....

Okay so I have to admit.  Other than having to actually stay awake all night, which usually is not that bad, this job is a pretty good gig!  I just got offered a permenant position of 28 hours and a full pay raise. This means I am no longer getting a "sub" pay.  I am a permenant staff now so I make the big bucks!  Ptthhh!  Not really!  But it did go up a dollar and twenty-five cents more than sub pay.  I don't have to worry about getting hours anymore either.  I am garunteed 28 hours and have the option to pick up more.

I get to sit around, watch TV, blog, play on my iPad!  Not a bad gig.

I do have responsibilities being the low guy on the totem pole.  I work with a young guy who has been here for 3-4 years on this shift.  Surprisingly he has worked this shift alone for all these years.  State regulations have recently changed and they require two people to work overnight.  Some people are upset about it but he has another job that is similar and he said he has always worked with another person on that job and surprised himself it has taken them this long to put another person on shift with him.  So because he has been here longer, he basically "rests" all night!  Lol! I do all the cleaning and stuff.  But I leave at 6AM and he stays until 9AM.  So he does all the documentation and passes all the mess in the morning with the morning staff.  I think it's a fine trade.  I don't mind it.  I don't have much interaction with the guys unless they wake at night and occasionally they do and then, believe me, it makes up for the quiet times of dullness.  They can be a handful.  There are five men in this house, all with varying disabilities.  Emptying urinals and talking down clients so they don't get aggressive is nothing to laugh at.  But we don't have too much of that.  I guess I bring a sense of calmness to the house as my fellow worker says the house is very calm and the men sleep well on the nights I am here.  On the other nights I am not here for some reason there are often problems.  I am not sure why.  And it literally is a home.  Like a regular house like yours and mine.
There are four bedrooms.  Two of the men share a room.  They are the two highest maintenance fellas.  So there is all the comforts of home.  Even have a Keurig here!  Yes!  Lol!

It was the perfect job to go back to after surgery.  I literally can do anything here.  I bring my own food from home but if I wanted to make myself a scrambled egg, I could.  It was easy transitioning back to work here.  I don't have to help any of the guys physically so there was no lifting.  I didn't mop or clean to much the first few weeks back but now I am back in full swing of things.  In the beginning when you get home from the surgery you get so worked up about what to eat, when to eat, what vitamins and supplements you have to take... It can all seems so overwhelming.  Being at work but still in a "home" environment worked out well.  I was only out for two weeks.  And since I was not permanent staff at the time I went out for surgery, I could not collect TDI ( temporary disability for all you non-RI followers) so missing only two weeks pay was not too hard on the bank account.

I feel like I am not where I am supposed to be though.  I mean I don't want to sound ungrateful ... Aw who cares... It's my blog and I can complain and whine and bitch if I want to!  But I went to school and worked hard.  I graduated with high honors, Phi Theta Kappa and Psi Beta!  That shit is no joke!
My children watched me walk the stage, one proud mamma, showing them that it CAN be done!

After I graduated, my entrance into the career world got put on hold. Things got hectic in my life.

So now it has been seven years! Wtf! Like where the hell did all that time go! I am thinking of going back to school. Can I do this shift AND go to school? I am not a young chick anymore! At this time I feel I do HAVE to work to supplement my family's income. Can we live without it? Sure ... But it would be tight ... Like super crazy tight.

But to make more money, I have to get to school. So then I have to get the money from somewhere. Loans ...ugh! ...more loans! I applied for Federal Aid so I guess we will see but the huz mad a damn good income last year so I am not too hopeful.

So all this shit runs through my head at night while I am here at work. It's like a TV that cannot be turned off!

Comfort

I find comfort in routine.  I know the same thing over and over can bore some people.  But I find comfort in it.  I do the same things each day and it give me comfort in knowing the plan.  This has especially helped me since the surgery.

I go to work for 11pm.  Come home for 6:15.  Make the kids lunches.  6:45am I am out the door with one kid.  I come back for 7:00 and get the other one moving.  During this time I feed the chickens and will empty the dishwasher or switch a load of laundry.  Then kid two and I in the car to the bus stop.  Drop off: 7:30.  Back at the house 7:35.  I take my pills and have a little bite to eat before resting my body.  Sometimes I go right to bed depending on how much sleep I got the night before.  But I always get into bed by 10-10:30 at the latest.  The boy comes home by 2:15 and causes quite a ruckus!  Seriously it's like a herd of elephants coming into the house.  Sometimes I lay in bed until about 3 and try to doze off a bit but usually my alarm is set for 2:45.  Then the girl comes home about 2:45-3:30 depending on what after school activities she has.  I spend my afternoon doing various bills, housework, pet care, dinner preparation, etc.  I try to get some form of exercise in at this time as well.  We have dinner around 5:30-6 and the huz and I will try to catch up about our day and any other business of the house or bills we need to discuss.  Sometimes we will watch a show.  Somewhere around 7ish I will lay back down and catch a few hours before starting it all over again.

Thursdays are my favorite day.  I get out of work and do my routine with the kids and then usually do not go to sleep because I do not have to work that night.  I have Fridays off!  This is going to be bitching when the weather gets warmer because after TOPS I will have all that day to come home, do yard work, etc.  I am sooooo looking forward to being out in the sun and in the dirt!

There are some other stuff I tend to stuff in my day but that's about how it goes.  I do not pack too
much into my day for myself or the kids as why add the stress?  I know it is good to have the kids involved with stuff and the boy is going to start up his children's recreation program again in the next month or so.  And the girl has scouts on Tuesday nights.  I just see so many families with their days so packed that really ... What is the point?  What's so wrong with staying home as a family?  We eat together  at dinner, we talk, the kids do their own thing and play in their rooms.  They play games, read, watch TV.

It seems like there are some families that are never home.  Damn!  I pay a mortgage!  Get outside and enjoy your property!  Lol!  Stay inside and enjoy your home!  You are paying for it!  I love it in the nice weather when the kids are running around outside.  Riding their bikes, roller blading, swimming in the pool, playing with the dogs.  And sometimes (if I pay them) helping me in the yard or the gardens.  It is their home too and they like to help out and when they don't ... Hey money talks baby!
 Lol!

I try not to get too upset when things fluctuate.  I try to bend with it... Go with the flow but I have noticed over the years I have become less and less spontaneous.  Not to sure if this is necessarily a bad thing.  I am a creature of habit.  I think we all are and that's not such bad thing is it?  I think it keeps me grounded.  I like the feeling of knowing what is going to happen and when for the most part.  I think it is what keeps me focused especially on my plan to a healthier life.

Since before WLS I have been preparing meals and snacks ahead of time and putting real thought into what I and the family is eating.  When you have a plan and things available to you to implement that plan it makes sticking to your goal much more attainable.  The weekends are a little bit more willy nilly.

Saturday mornings I work from 8am-2pm. Sometimes the huz works Sat nights but lately not too often. So we hang out or go shopping for the week.

I also find comfort in the FB WLS support group and a few blogs I follow that helped me tremendously before surgery AND after.
They are:
http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/
http://www.mygastricbypassstory.com/

http://www.meltingmama.net/
http://www.thatfatchick.com

As well as my favorite funky girl I follow on YouTube, Jenna. Her YouTube name is: herecomestrouble88
She just had reconstructive surgery. She got her breasts and tummy done! She looks amazing!

I was thinking about making a video or two but I know I won't like it. I am more of a writer. But videos can be fun too. We'll see.

I never really felt I used food for comfort so I don't feel like I needed to change too much in that area. As I mentioned in one of my other posts. I used sleep and retail therapy for comfort! Lol!

Off to do some chores!
Peace!
~ T

I am adding a picture of me and the big guy at the end here cause I think I am in love with this picture!

Being a little different

I have to admit right here right now ... I am a picture whore at heart!
I LOVE fashion!  I love pictures and how they look!  I, myself, as mentioned in a previous post am NOT photogenic.
BUT I have always wanted to be.
Seriously.  I LOVE clothes, shoes.  I love steam punk pictures and that fashion.  I love the Victorian era when women wore all kinds of corsets and beautiful dresses.  I love medieval clothing and one day WILL dress up for King Richards Fair!  I made myself a corset once.  I looked awesome. 
BUT .....
I was always fat.  I mean it is what it is.  I still felt beautiful but ... there is always a stigma when larger people dress up.  It is hard to be different when you are already different because you are overweight.  I mean really, skinny people can dress up in a cheap pirate costume and be gorgeous.  But if a over weight person does ... we are being cheap and costumey.
This is a tough world and it is hard to be different.  And when you are fat ... it is harder.  Because people think we have NO right to "try" to dress cute.  Try to be different.
I have always had a funky side.  I always wanted to dress retro and be cool and funky BUT all my life there were never any clothes to support my funkiness and when I have in the past ... it is looked at as me trying to be silly or funny.  
I would NEVER judge anyone who wants to be different with their clothes or hair.  I LOVE creativity and funkiness and fun!  I don't care what size you are ... everyone has a right to do whatever the hell they want with their bodies, faces, clothes, hair, jewelry, etc.

One funky girl inspired me on YouTube while I was researching the surgery.  Her name is: herecomestrouble88
She was so cool and funky before surgery and she is cool and funky now after surgery.  She is real and she puts the shit right out there.  She even had a video session after a dumping episode and  had us experience it with her.  How she felt, how much it sucked and what NOT to do.  I think it is awesome that we can learn from videos like this.  She is wacky and fun!  (she is a little rough around the edges so don't watch her if you cannot handle that!)
I love her and plan on sending her a note soon letting her know!

Anyway ... I also mentioned in a past post that my weight has not really inhibited me from doing much in my life.  But it has inhibited my sense of style.  My self of funkiness.  I am SO looking forward to experimenting with some things.  My first being wigs! LOL!  OMG ... wigs have SUCH SUCH a stigma.  AND TOO bad because they are awesome.  I have all these things inside me that people don't know about and one is ... I LOVE WIGS>  I think they are awesome and if worn right can totally change who you are for a day!   THESE DAYS, WOMEN HAVE FAKE BOOBS, HAIR COLOR AND EXTENSIONS, NAILS, AND VARIOUS OTHER IMPLANTS SO WHATS SO BIG ABOUT FAKE HAIR?

Wigs have gotten a bad rap due to what I refer to as prior "wig abuse".  It usually went hand and hand with excessive blue eyeshadow and a big foundation line around the chin. 
But things have changed and wigs along with women have come a long way baby.

 The truth is that many gastric bypass patients will lose hair.  Some lose a LOT and some loose a little.  YOU never know until it starts happening apparently.  Luckily I have pretty thick hair and I am not too worried about losing some hair.  BUT my hair may never be the same and that is something I may have to face.  Now am I saying that I am going to go all NUTS and wear wigs all the time? No ... but so what if I DID!  The WHOLE point of this blog is I guess this ...

Let's embrace difference.  People who truly love me are gonna be supportive of whatever I do, however I dress ... etc.  They of course are going to KNOW that its not my real hair and sometimes after knowing someone for so long and seeing them a certain way can be kinda strange in the beginning.  
*side note ... my son did NOT like the wig.  BUT he has Asperger's so anything from the norm suddenly is upsetting to him. My daughter thought is was awesome and took a picture and sent it to a friend of hers and her friend sent back that she LOVED my hair! LOL!  Her friend had never seen me before.  Hailey was like Thanks ... its a wig! LOL!  She was amazed and said she would have never known!  DH could care less either way he just wants me to be happy and knows I am a whackadoo anyway.*

I mean if I go super funky and get like those super colored ones then obviously people will KNOW its a wig ... BUT SO WHAT!?!

I love me and part of loving me is just doing what makes me happy.  People are going to judge one another no matter WHAT we do anyway.  It is human nature.  Just keep it to yourself if you cannot be kind.  Because you don't have to live my life like I don't have to live yours.  And I am an awesome, strong, beautiful woman ... 

Here are some pictures of me and my wig.  I could have tightened the whole look up but it was my first "real" wearing of it.  I know when you do wear a wig you have to make sure the "whole package" is there and in the future if I explore my wig/fashion obsession I will get better at it.


XOXO 
~T

I personally think I look AWESOME in the second one!  I like the soft smile on my face.  The third one ... well I was just being a frickin nut! LOL!

Normalcy ... ahhhhh ... feels pretty frickin' awesome!

So to celebrate my "hitting my day I got married weight day" ... LOL!  I decided I wanted to have a bit of ol' school normalcy today.
I made a cup of coffee.
YUP!
I have not had a REAL cup of coffee in the morning while relaxing at my computer since way before the surgery.
It ... FEELS ... GOOOOOOOOD.

Here I am!  Morning bed head and my Rosie the Riveter cup of Joe!  YES!
 

It's like getting married all over again! WITH myself! LOL!

SO I woke up this morning and LO and BEHOLD ... the scale produced a number I have not seen in 17 years!  
I was married to the DH (Darling Husband) 17 years ago this upcoming October.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I felt SO beautiful and my pictures reflect how much I felt that way and I was absolutely BEAMING!
I am not usually a super photogenic person but MAN this day was amazing and I could not get my face in enough pictures! LOL!
I felt amazing!  I weighed myself that day ... I was 222 lbs.  Today ... SEVENTEEN years later ... I weigh that again!
Since last November I have lost 46 lbs.  Since last year sometime at my highest I have lost 56 lbs! 
WHAT?  It is SO amazing that I cannot even express how much ... well ... amazing it is!

So I am posting some wedding pictures here.
DAMN I was gorgeous! LOL!

My next goal is to get into the 100's.  
Then my final goal will be to be the weight I was when I met DH.  
That weight was 164 lbs.  My lowest weight I would like to reach would be 150 lbs.

Life is full of baby steps.
And I intend to fully celebrate ALL of them!

XOXO

I'm melting ....... Meeeeeeelllllttttiiinnng!

So I got on the Wii fit today.  My little Wii fit board character tells me I have not been on the Wii fit for 11 days!  OMG!  Time went by so quickly!  I have not been on the Wii as much since getting the elliptical.  So anyway I get on it and didn't expect much change.  But apparently I lost six pounds in those eleven days!  Whoa!  My little Wii friend was pleased I met my goal in less than the allotted time (10 lbs in less than a month, i was one week from the deadline) BUT he warned me that I had lost too much too fast!  Lol!  Apparently he didn't know about my WLS!  Lol!
So I set another goal of ten more pounds in a month from today. But that goal was "not healthy" according to Wii board.  He suggested 2lbs a week which would be eight pounds one month from now.  I can ignore his warning and I did.  So in one month I want to lose another ten pounds.  My BMI also went from 37.24 to 36.15 so not too shabby.
I had a few days where the scale did not move at all!  I was kinda pissed.
But now it seems to be moving along.  I am only four pounds away from what I weighed 17 years ago when I got married to my husband!  I am going to celebrate that day!  That weight is 222lbs!  Then next celebration will hopefully be glorious ONE-derland!
THAT will be a glorious day I have not seen since I don't know when!  It is amazing to me that when I hit ONE-derland I will only be fifty pounds short of my goal!  Man ... That blows my mind.

*********************************************************************************
So I guess this post will be kinda twofold.  Today I was apparently grazing and the hub said something.  Now I know he didn't say it as a malicious thing at all ... But it got me wondering about how I feel about letting everyone know I have had the surgery.  He said "it seems like you are snacking an awful lot today" and ya know what ... He was right.  I didn't seem to be eating on my "regimented" way I had been up until this point.  So kudos to him for paying attention but I got to wondering.  This is something I had been wondering since getting the surgery.  Am I going to get scrutinized for everything for every thing I put in my mouth?  Are people gonna be hanging back at parties and thinking ... Hmmm should she be eating that?  It is in people's nature to judge I don't care what you say.  And when you are fat, there are always judgements because our fat is out there for all to see.  We cannot hide it.  People assume also because we are fat... We are lazy as well.  We obviously have let ourselves go by sitting around and packing ourselves with Oreos.  Now I am not saying that bad choices did not get some of us here, that is certainly a part of some.  I know throughout my twenties I spent so much energy starting my family I just didn't think about myself.  I gained 64lbs during my pregnancy with my son.  After he was born I lost about 40lbs of it and actually became quite fit getting up to bench pressing 225lbs for three.  My legs were so strong as well and I could squat some serious weight.  I had grown men's eyes popping at the gym and the hub got comments like "that's your wife dude!" Lol!  Then when my son was about 22months I got pregnant with may second child.  I was determined to not gain as much weight with this one and kept my weight gain at a fairly healthy 31 lbs.  My daughter followed in her brothers footprints weighing in at a whopping 9lbs.  My son was 9lbs 5 oz.  I nursed her for 12 months and all that baby weight came off fast!  But I still had that extra 20lbs or so after my son lingering.  Then who the hell knows what happened.  I did get lazy.  I got depressed and lazy.  My son was not diagnosed with Autism yet (something I knew he had since ALWAYS). I spent my days in guilt over why my son was not able to play with other children.  Why he injured himself.  Why he didn't listen when his name was called repeatedly.  There were school issues.  Maybe I just went day by day just trying to get by.  I remember thinking I was feeding them well.  I remember thinking I may be getting overweight .... I remember thinking I should do something to find a better way to fit proper nutrition and exercise in my life ... But I also remembered that I was exhausted.  Exhausted from trying to figure out the puzzle of balancing a stay at home mom life while my husband worked full time, part time and went to school part time.  I remember thinking and feeling like a single mother for like five years.  So somewhere along the way I think I just lost myself.  I think this happens to a lot of us.  Then a day comes where you look in that mirror or see a picture of yourself and think "Who the hell is that?"
I don't think it was a conscious thing.  I think for many of us it isn't.  Just like life after WLS is a journey so was the journey that lead us here.

This is my time.