Mourning Supergirl

I was thinking the other day.
MAN when I was "fat" I was one strong bitch!
No joke! I could bench press 245 for one at least (hmmmm I will have to double check that info as I AM getting old as well)
I was strong! Too bad I didn't do any deadlifts back then cause I would really be curious what I could lift.  Currently I can deadlift only 205lbs.
I would whip air conditioners in and out of windows like no ones business, carry ALL the grocery bags in on one hand, move stuff up and down stairs like a champ and I felt strong.
As I have said in previous posts ... I was never "unhappy" per se with my weight.  I was still energetic, a whackadoo and outgoing.  I have always had a pretty strong self esteem and a healthy amount of self confidence. I did it ALL for health.

But I kinda miss my curves.  I miss my boobs. Yes that's right I said it! I miss my strength most of all.
My boobs are like deflated balloons (thank god for good bras) and the skin hanging from the weight loss forces me to wear a spanx type tank top under EVERYTHING or it moves around and is uncomfortable.  I also get rashes and sores.

I have gained about 15-20lbs that I need/want to get rid of but I have pretty much decided I am going for the skin removal surgery next year.  And I may just throw in the boob lift/reconstruction just for shits and giggles to get all the pain over with.  This will hopefully almost all be covered by medical and if now ... Hell, we will figure it out.
I am not doing it for vanity.  I am tired of getting rashes and sores under my breasts and double stomach skin hang.  I am tired of wearing this damn spanx thing AND a cami under everything I wear.  I am scared to death as I hear that surgery is no joke but I have had the gastric bypass AND major back surgery. I am sure I will be fine.

I felt like Supergirl before.
I started lifting again but was pretty disappointed in myself.  I don't feel nearly as strong as before.  I know that after the gastric bypass muscle loss is huge.  Protein is important but it is incredibly hard to get so much protein in when your belly is the size of an egg plus trying to stay hydrated, trying to stay up with your vitamins needed after surgery etc.  I am stronger than I was when I started but feel discouraged sometimes when lifting.  I don't have that "explosion" like I did when I was younger and yes .... Fatter.  Maybe it is both.  I am sure age is a huge factor as well.

They say muscle has memory ... I think mine have dementia.

But I have nine months before the skin removal so let's get this party started.
PEACE
~t

Mattering ....

I have suffered a loss ... Last summer was a huge eye opener for me and a terrible time of mourning something special.  I was supposed to be celebrating something that was so important in my life ... Two years of working on finally finishing my Bachelors in Psychology.  It was a hard road and right up until the end I could almost not even believe it was right there in sight.  The first year I worked full time third shift and attended full time classes ( and going through a LOT with my ASD son and freshly diagnosed girl teenager with depression/anxiety disorder and partial hospitalization with her for that).  The second year I was not working but had suffered an injury and needed back surgery and STILL attended full time.  It was a LOT of pressure on me and my family but I am so amazed and proud that I did it.  

But with all that accomplishment came the biggest disappointment of my life. 
I try to be a good friend.  
I ALWAYS try to be there unless life has REALLY REALLY REALLY grabbed hold of me by the gonads and I just cannot follow through for a friend.  Bleeding to death or vommitting like Linda Blaire in the exorcist will often stop me from following through as well.  
But the article at the end of this blog entry (you will have to copy and paste it in your browser to go to it) could have legit been written by me and I wish I had read it a year ago.  Not that I would not still be in mourning or still second guessing decisions I have made.  But I made it.  The decision. I have hard lines.  One hard line is seeing my kid(s) hurting. So it is what it is.
All I ever wanted from my friends is to show the same love that I show them.  I have some pretty amazing friends that have shown me more love than I have ever known in the past year.  They are amazing.  Some I didn't even realize that were always there all along. 

The pain is still there and it may take years.  Mourning is a process. 

But let me say this.  If a friend needs/wants you there ...

Just show up.

Here is the article ...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-atterberry/showing-up-the-single-most-important-thing-a-friend-can-do_b_5697930.html

~t

Staying motivated

Staying motivated is fucking hard.  And anyone who tells you otherwise is just lying.  There are SO many things that go on in my head that I want to do or want to work on and for some reason I cannot stay motivated or the allure of a good nap takes precedence over anything else I am doing or thinking of doing.  I did realize tonight that I have done SO much changing the past five years.  My mind, body, spirit and emotional health has really come a long way and I should be enthusiastically proud of that but it is human nature to always want more or not think you have done enough or achieved enough.
But I cannot find the DRIVE to want more.  I mean I "want" more but I feel like there is literally NOT enough time. 
I am trying to be patient and wait for the feeling of motivation for specific things to come. Patience is tough for me when I want results but in order to see results you have to actually start something right? 
I am still struggling with intermittent depression/anxiety and doing my best to not let it show ... But that's hard too.
Life is hard.

And anyone who tells you otherwise is just lying ... 
~t

Mutant beginnings ...

Hello
If you are here YAY!
I am going to start posting stuff about my lifting etc soon! Stay posted!

And the lucky winner is ....

So I just noticed that my blog has been viewed over 6000 times!!! I was hoping to get on RIGHT when it hit 6000 but I got here at 6004! 
I want to thank my viewers for looking in on me and reading my rambles and being patient with me and interested in me ... Bless your hearts! So if you are here ... Please leave a comment and in a few days I will give each comment a number and randomly draw and someone will win something special from ME!!! 
I promise to blog more, try to make this place a bit more interesting  ... Let me know what YOU would like to know more of! 
Thanks! 
T

And So She Woke Up ....

You know when you have one of those dreams where you talk to someone who is no longer in your life and you say to them all the things you want/need to say.  You unload it all ... And it becomes the most therapeutic thing ever.

You have all the emotions ... Sad, anger, relief, joy, disappointment and closure.
You wake up feeling it was real and you feel a bit better.

Yea that happened last night. What a feeling! 
It literally felt SO real. And while I know it was not ... My heart is a bit lighter today.
And it feels good. 

Another trip around the sun ....

Happy Birthday to me!
So much going on! I will blog soon!