Disappointment

Disappointment isn't given the credit it deserves.
Disappointment is a terrible crushing, debilitating feeling.
But it takes the backseat to wild emotions like grief, anger, sadness, elation, joy, rage ...

Dude ... disappointment can make your heart as heavy as any death.
It can create a space of void like the blackest of night.  Sometimes I think disappointment is THE worst feeling of all. Because it is kind of in the middle of all the other emotions and does not get spoken about much. It is kind of dismissed like "eh ... yea I am disappointed" 

But to be REALLY disappointed and crushed by someone who has hurt you is beyond all the other feelings. It IS anger, sadness and grief ... but disappointment is a reflection of your efforts as well. 
Did I not do enough? Was I not a good enough friend? What DID I do to deserve that action that was done to me?
You see ... disappointment goes both ways.  The disappointment you feel in the person who disappointed you but also in yourself.  
It is the ultimate double edged sword. Painful going and coming out.
It lingers longer than the other emotions too.  Along with grief, it has stages.  But unlike grief it seems to have no end because there is no closure to disappointment. It always stays there haunting you wondering 
why.
When people hurt us and we cut them out of our lives, we seal the door because we’ve been burned too many times.  Even if a part of us longs to open it and wishes we could have something – anything positive of that person in our life, our disappointment prevents us from doing so because that hurt comes back.  But the tricky thing is you will always long for it. 
Then comes forgiveness and forgiveness is hard ...hard as hell because if you feel disappointed and cannot figure out the real reason someone did what they did ... forgiveness does not come easy. Then it still comes back to ... disappointment. Disappointment in an action, words, inaction, decisions made. 
Anyone who says forgiveness makes your heart feel lighter is lying. Like no one comes out and says it but ...damn lie.  If you CAN come to terms with all the feelings and forgive ... your heart almost becomes heavier because that shit seals the deal. 
Bam! I forgive. But it does not change that the disappointment is still there. Things cannot just be "undone".  If you can forgive,  it can make things more bearable.  But it also makes things more real. 

And even though it hurts. It makes you strong.  It may not be the kind of strength you wanted or expected but there are all kinds of strong. Disappointment strong makes you resilient. Disappointment strong makes you cautious.  Disappointment strong makes you wise.
And that is gonna have to be okay for now.

In short: Set your expectations to zero. Train yourself to accept all outcomes, happily. Do not change those expectations.  Assume you’re wrong about what they’re thinking.  Stay out of their head.  Decide what you want 
based on when you’re old and grey.  Accept the truth and mourn for what you didn’t get.

True story right here. 

Not anymore ...

Unconditional love.
Unseen.
No matter what love.
Unreciprocated.
Hole in my heart.
Whole nevermore

Healing slowly.
Not fast enough.
Lessons taught.
Continuous growing.

Memories remain.
Love unbroken.
Trust broken
Decision remains

There will always be love
There will always be laughter
There will always be lessons
There will always be memories
But there will no longer be me.

Great Nation

"Let us all try to be better than "pretty good". Let us all, one person at a time, try to create a new nation that is great again."
~t

Pretty Good
By Charles Osgood

There once was a pretty good student
Who sat in a pretty good class
And was taught by a pretty good teacher
Who always let pretty good pass.

He wasn’t terrific at reading,
He wasn’t a whiz-bang at math,
But for him, education was leading
Straight down a pretty good path.

He didn’t find school too exciting,
But he wanted to do pretty well,
And he did have some trouble with writing
Since nobody taught him to spell.

When doing arithmetic problems,
Pretty good was regarded as fine.
5+5 needn’t always add up to be 10;
A pretty good answer was 9.

The pretty good class that he sat in
Was part of a pretty good school,
And the student was not an exception:
On the contrary, he was the rule.

The pretty good school that he went to
Was there in a pretty good town,
And nobody there seemed to notice
He could not tell a verb from a noun.

The pretty good student in fact was
Part of a pretty good mob.
And the first time he knew what he lacked was
When he looked for a pretty good job.

It was then, when he sought a position,
He discovered that life could be tough,
And he soon had a sneaking suspicion
Pretty good might not be good enough.


The pretty good town in our story
Was part of a pretty good state
Which had pretty good aspirations
And prayed for a pretty good fate.

There once was a pretty good nation
Pretty proud of the greatness it had,
Which learned much too late,
If you want to be great,
Pretty good is, in fact, pretty bad.

Seasons

I found this poem and it is a magnificent way for me to deal with the hurt I feel everyday with the unanswered questions, the wonder whys and the pure confusion.

I may have to read this daily. 



Also be on the lookout for some new stuff from me dear readers ... very exciting! 

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

My soul needed this ....

The Pain of Moving On

Yesterday I was struggling.
Some days are great .... most days. But a lot of the days I am grieving.
I am healing.
Yesterday sucked. For some reason my mind kept on with the "what ifs" and the self-doubts.
Today is better but I am still waiting for the best days when it IS easier as she says in this video.
I dig this chick.
She says a lot of the shit I am thinking or need to hear.

https://youtu.be/3GQhoXaxfB0

(You will need to copy and paste the above link)

That is all.

I will keep on healing.
Real estate in MY heart is precious. And though there will always be a vacant spot there now and never be occupied again ... I will plant a garden there and hold onto the goodness that once was.
Peace always and in all ways.

I knew ....

Who Knew

P!nk

Lyrics

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words, and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better, still you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?

My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?

Who knew?

Songwriters: Alecia Moore / Lukasz Gottwald / Max Martin

Who Knew lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Bypassing the years ... Year four

Happy Valentine's Day
To me!
I specifically chose Valentine's Day four years ago as the day I wanted to change my life. If you look back on my beginning posts you will see it was a decision that did not come easy.  Maybe for some it is.  It took my doctor three years to convince me.
Here are some stats on me:
HW 289
SW 252
LW 148
CW 184
IW 165
(Highest weight, surgery weight, lowest weight, current weight, ideal weight)
When I started this my BMI was 40.7
My BMI today is 29.7
My ideal weight would be 165 because then I would be considered "normal weight" and my BMI would be 25.
It is my goal not just because of that but because I also felt better at 165.  It was my most comfortable. Shirts size L and size 14 pants.  At my lowest weight I got into a size 10 for like a day.  I was in 12s for a few months but 14 was always where I felt like me. I am fine with that.  I do not need to, nor desire to be, a size 2.  Besides my body is just not built that way.
I have learned a LOT in the past four years.  I have learned that food is everywhere.  Food is social, food is emotional and food has a part in every aspect of our lives.  I never thought about food so much as I do now and these past four years.  Our relationship with food rules how we feel about ourselves.  We label food as "good" or "bad".  Food rules our emotions and our emotions are ruled by food. A day can be ruined or celebrated by what we put in our mouth.  Does that seem right? Right or not there is plenty of data showing that food is indeed a huge emotional ruler.  Physically I have learned a lot about myself during this journey.  I have learned to listen to my body.  To really listen and most of all to trust what it needs. I am going to be honest with you here. I do NOT follow all the rules.  I follow what works for me.  The ONE rule I have always followed though is NO CARBONATED beverages.  Honestly speaking to you again, not because it is a rule, but because it just plain hurts like hell.  It makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I was never a big soda drinker anyway so it was not a big deal. For some it was and some have gone back and suffered the consequences because of it.  It all comes down to choices and what you want for you.  I hear success and not so successful stories.  I guess I have had what you call a "re-gain" because I should be around 165lbs. So I have 20lbs to lose.  Some say this is not so damn bad.  I do not get crazy about it.  U til year three I was maintaining the 165.  Then something weird happened. Going into year four eating began to lose its charm. I would go days just drinking and not eating much then I would have days where I was like a fiend eating everything.  I would get pain after a few bites right under the top of my left high ribs.  I could eat an almost full sized restaurant meal. I decided to go check and see if my pouch was working okay.  We did an upper GI .... guess what? My pouch is fine. How is that? My pouch did not enlarge, stretch or change since a week or a year after surgery but I could eat a good amount of food ... where the hell is it going? Mmmmmm .... wicked weird. LOL. I was happy to discover nothing was really wrong.  There is one tiny spot that may possibly be widened a bit and I was to go for a consult with the surgeon to see if it was worth going in and cinching it up but today got a call to reschedule. So we will have to see.

It may or may not be worth the aggravation.  I will keep you posted on that.  Over four years I have a DNE list and it grows everyday it seems. The DNE (do not eat) list is as follows:

Tuna

Cereal with milk

Peppermint patties

Anything nestle

Chocolate cake

Hamburg 

Some other beef like some steaks

Pancakes

Most all bread

Some pasta

Donuts

NO fast food (reg hard taco from Taco Bell is ok) 

Notice most of these things are "bad" foods anyway. But I am human and have eaten all of these things and no matter how big or small the amount consumed they upset my stomach and I do not feel well after eating them.  Hershey chocolate is okay for some reason. Weird.  But anyway, a lot of times even if I am eating "good" food, I often still feel uncomfortable after eating.  Maybe I eat too fast.  I AM always in a hurry and eat too fast.  Most people who see me after four years like the way I look now.  Some say before I was looking too scrawny and now am just right.  Like I said, I want to be down a bit more but for the most part am still pretty happy here.  For someone who is not extremely active, I am damn okay the way I am now.  My blood work has been fantastic! I was lifting weight for awhile and was doing pretty well.  But some family issues came up and has distracted me as of the past few months so I have to find the motivation to get back into it. 

The main thing since surgery is the mind fuck.  It is huge people and I am telling you that if you do not have your shit together before surgery you will NOT have it together after.  First, for the first year your emotions are that related to a pregnant woman with hormones all the hell over the place! It is cry, scream, calm down, rinse and repeat.  If you get through the first year and you are still semi sane congrats there is hope for you! Medication does not work the same as it is absorbed differently.  My psyche meds are not nearly as effective as they were before surgery and I have had to reach into my mental coping skills toolbox more than I woul like to admit.  And sometimes it has helped and sometimes it has not. It is a daily struggle and I am going soon to get my meds reassessed to make sure I am on the best kind/dose to help me through.

Most of all folks in the past four years I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with others.  I have learned people either want to be part of your journey or not. Maybe it has been a coincidence that the surgery has happened to be around the same time my brain matured to come to the realization who/what is important in my life and worth being around and/or fighting for. Relationships change and some relationships cannot withstand this journey. Smetimes it is the other person that changes or it is you.  I have always tried to stay true to myself and who I am and have always been.  I would like to think I am a better person.  I have lost during this journey and lost big.  It was not just pounds lost but friendships as well.  It took me a long time to think and heal from this but I feel I am finally on my way.  I know now that certain things will be lost forever and that realization has been the hardest of all.  

I have my husband and my kids. This Valentine's Day, four years out from gastric bypass, I have my health.  I have lost more than just fat these past four years and even though I gained a bit back the thing that I gained most has been an understanding of myself, who I want to be moving forward and how I will get there.  

You can follow along dear reader if you choose. 

Peace always and in all ways

T