Almost four years out ... the four leaf clover

Year four ... in one and one half months I will be four years out from gastric bypass.  

Entering year four ... the number four is a cool number.

Number 4 is the number of stability, order and completion of justice

Number 4 is the number of the earth and mankind.

Number 4 is the number of the square.

Number 4 symbolizes building a strong foundation.

And 

Four years from when I decided to change my entire insides.

  I think about this sometimes.  I went and had surgery performed that forever changes the way my body will process food, fuel that I put into my body. And that is how I have to think about food now ... as fuel.  I think more about food since having the surgery than I EVER DID BEFORE SURGERY. It is such a weird feeling.  Before I would just eat to eat.  After surgery it is always thinking ... is this food providing me with the proper nutrients for my body, my brain.  Is it giving me the protein I need? Blah, blah, blah ... I am sick of thinking about food. And I will be honest ... once you forget thinking about food, you gain weight. Year one, I lost 120 lbs like a cake walk. A HUGE jump start and relief for my system.  Sleep apnea gone, GERD GONE and diabetes ... gone.

Year two went on to maintain and gained a few pounds back which I was thankful for because I was looking sickly but I knew my body would figure it out. 

Year three ... maintained for almost all until I entered the working world. Last 

September I got a full-time "real world" working job. 

Within a few months I gained 20lbs.  Not a HUGE deal for some or most.  But I also felt different.  I could go to a restaurant and eat almost all of the food on a plate.  Gone were the days of bringing home food to eat for lunch and dinner the next day.  Gone were the days of being a cheap date! Lol! 

I thought it was the food I was eating at work but I stopped eating the food and started bringing salads. So um no. I was making poor food choices.  A Taco Bell trip here ... some mozzarella sticks there but damn twenty pounds just stayed! 

A friend of mine started up a chapter of TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) a wonderful supportive group where you do your own thing to try to lose weight, weigh in each week and hold one another accountable.  There are contests, challenges.  I have been a member a year now and can say that while I still have not lost the twenty ... I have not gained anymore either.  If it keeps me maintaining where I am , and I believe it does that may be okay for me.But there was another thing bothering me.  Why WAS I able to eat more, feel hungry more?   But yet on some days I could barely bring myself to eat anything because I was not hungry at all.  I do NOT DRINK CARBONATED BEVERAGES! Whew THAT is super painful, nor do I eat a bunch of junk food.  And now sometimes I had a pain just under my ribs sometimes when I ate and more and more food was making it on the DNE (Do Not Eat) list. It was becoming quite frustrating.  So sometimes  I could sit down for a whole meal and sometimes I would sit down and have two bites and would be Thanksgiving Day full.  

I decided it was time to take a trip to the doc.  The first thing we did was an 

upper GI.  This is when you swallow some crappy tasting stuff and they record it by X-ray image going all through your insides. Super duper awesome!! The doc wanted to make sure there was no way food or anything was getting into the stomach that was separated from the pouch created by the bypass.  Or that things were not stretched at the top or bottom of my pouch. 

Results .... everything looks good. Good ...yes of course, I didn't want issues but now what was the freaking issue? There was one area that the doc said could be a bit larger than it should be if you look at the image on it you will see where I have circled.  He referred me to the other doc in his office to look at for a procedure called overstitch.  See YouTube video. 

https://youtu.be/6chrB5qVzmI

It may be that the doc will look at it and may think it is not even worth it to go in.  Maybe he will think it is worth it.  I will find out in February.  Maybe he will think it is worth it but I won't want to do it.  Me and anesthesia are not friends. So I may not think it is worth it. 

Ultimately ... admittedly I have not TRIED HARD enough to lose the weight.  I am healthy and comfortable and still have no other health problems.  Maybe this is the weight I am supposed to be.  I have always trusted my body before.  I still have a month and a half to decide. For now I will make a few small adjustments to my lifestyle. 

I never ever ever regret getting the gastric bypass surgery.  It was something I wish I had done sooner but glad I made the decision to do it when I did.  I am not perfect and know there are things I can do now so I will do them.  If you are here because YOU are thinking about the RNY bypass or the sleeve or any form of bariatric surgery ... know it is a tool not a lifetime solution. Fix your issues beforehand. It WILL forever change your life.  It has changed mine for the better but not without its struggles here and there. 

Stay peaceful my friends. 

-t

It gets done ...

Some days she has no idea how she will do it ....
But every. Single. Day.
It gets done.

What makes us resilient? What makes some create when others crumble?
What makes some persevere while others perish?

This has been a trying year. And there is still a month to go.
I choose to be strong despite the obstacles.
Despite the monster knocking at the door.
Despite the doubts, the wishes that never came true, the what-ifs and the could-haves.

Choosing your path is powerful.

Choosing to continue to be yourself in a world of who-am-I mentality is empowering.

Stay the course.
Billow out those sails ... let the wind capture you and just go!

Peace
~t

Choose love this holiday season.

We live in a world of too much "stuff" and not enough of the stuff that is free like love, compassion, empathy, tolerance and friendship.  This holiday season I am asking anyone who would normally think about getting any material items for my family (including the kids) please donate that money to my friend Matt Houde's page for the Polar Plunge for Special Olympics.
My family does not need "things". We are actually looking to go extreme minimizing in 2017 for goals we are looking at for our future.  I have been blessed with a roof over my head in this little house by the sea for fifteen years, a happy marriage for twenty and two beautiful healthy children.  Tony Ward Jr. and I want to support Matt and his craziness to go plunging into the bay and freeze his *#% off and his support for Special Olympics.  As you know, Hunter has been involved with Special Olympics in the past and it is an awesome organization.  And Hailey  is looking to be involved in the future (she is thinking about soccer)
Let me tell you about Matt who you will be supporting.  Matt is one of my sweetest friends.  We have known one another since high school. He has seen some hard times.  During these times when things were rough, I have never known him to faulter, give up or not try harder to be the best he can be.  He is always smiling and never negative. He is a phenomenal father to his daughter, Nancy, who he is plunging for.  She is a great kid , who despite her own obstacles, is always smiling.  I assure you that your donation could not support a more deserving family and organization.
Just sharing this will help too!
In a time where it's all about things, things, things ... please consider a non-materialistic gift.  I would love for him to be able to CRUSH his goal of $200 in record breaking time and show him that there are gifts that are greater than materialistic items and they come in the form of support, friendship, kindness and love.
Blessings to you all and let us all be blessed with good health and love in this upcoming holiday season!
PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW:

http://www.firstgiving.com/team/338289

Burdening of the Young

Let's all just step back and take a breather.
Our kids are listening to our words and how WE are handling things.  They are bringing their stresses with them to school.  They are worrying.
These are grown up problems people.
It is one thing to inform your kids but to BURDEN them is not necessary.
Things have NOT happened yet.  It is our job to reassure them we are here to keep them safe, love them, educate them, empower them.
Stress that your family is safe.
Be together
Carefully consider your child's maturity and temperament
Consider your own reactions. Your kids will look to the way you handle the news to determine their own approach. If you stay calm and rational, they will, too.

I work in a therapeutic school and today was rough.  I was there with reassurance for my students that these ARE grown up problems and I hear their voice but humans are resilient and often in the most bleakest of times we have shown time and time again that we can always find hope and fight for what is right.

ITS OKAY people to not have an opinion around your kids/students about this election so as to help quell their fears.  And as an educator I absolutely have NO opinion to share with my students.
You can reassure your kids that life will go on and the world is NOT ending.
I feel PRETTY STRONGLY that we need to make sure this message gets in.
With all the fear and anxiety running wild the last few months, we need to proactively reassure them that they are safe and they are loved.

Kids feel it, and their anxiety is real, said Lori Edelson, owner and director of the Birmingham Maple Clinic, who also is a therapist.

"The most damaging situations are when the parents communicate their own anxiety and fear, that’s when the child’s own anxiety and fear are amplified even more," she said. "But if mom and dad look like they get what’s going on — and it’s not a big deal, like a kid in school throwing a temper tantrum — it doesn’t have the same traumatic effect. ... We have to remember as parents that even if it makes us anxious and scared we have to communicate calm.

http://neatoday.org/2016/11/09/talking-to-students-about-election/
“I’m also going to tell them that nothing is going to change overnight,” Ellis says. “I want them to feel safe. As educators, that’s what we do in difficult times.”

In the end, we all know what a good sport looks like.  We all have to be good sports, and we can’t win all the time. That’s what a democracy is really all about. It’s the majority rules. There’s always a minority. There’s always a loser.



http://wtop.com/parenting/2016/11/wondering-tell-kids-election/

The difference ...

The decorations are already out.  People are either complaining or rejoicing.  The choice is always up to you how you choose to go into the season.  I move into October with a grateful heart as it is my wedding anniversary month and my lovey's birthday month.
I keep the holidays as low key as possible.  Hunter never, ever was a Halloween kid, Thanksgiving has its stresses and Christmas was the the max overload  of sensory issues.  As we have gotten older Tony and I have decided to have the holidays as more of a four of us family unit thing. The kids are happier and so are we.  We celebrate one another so much during our every day lives that the holidays almost seem unnecessary.  We try to teach the kids that all year we should be caring, loving, tolerant and compassionate.  While I appreciate what a lot of people and organizations do for people during the holiday season, I also feel like why not implement such practice during the WHOLE course of the year.  Tell people as often as you can how much you love them.  Tell your friends how much you appreciate their friendship in June as much as December. 
That's just my two cents folks.  I am done preach' now read/watch actor Michael Beach do his thing.


From the movie Ms. Scrooge.
Actor Michael Beach as Reverend Luke delivered this speech in front of his congregation. 
Best speech ever. 
To watch click the link below or you can just read.  

https://youtu.be/xDBgo7AIPQg

Skip to 5:14 

Christmas ... the holidays ... are supposed to be all about giving, right?  All about sharing and helping one another.  I mean we already hear so many stories about it.
Well, I have one more story to tell.  And it isn't one of these true to life stories.  This story ... this story is from the "other side".  Its about the difference between heaven and hell.

It seems there is these two fellas; one from heaven and one from ... well, ya know ... the other place.
They get together one day to compare notes about what its like in heaven and in hell.
The man from heaven asks what it's like down there ... what its REALLY like in hell.
"Whew" the man from hell responds "It's terrible!  We get really tired and hungry from feeding the furnaces all day ya know.  Then they sit us down at these huge banquet tables FILLED with food.  PILED high with delicious food.  All kids of wonderful food.  The devil comes out and says "All you can eat!  Help yourselves!  Have seconds ... thirds even!  There is just one rule.  You must be polite and you must use your fork.  NO grabbing food here in hell"  SO there we are all ready to dig in and eat some of that wonderful food.  And we reach down to pick up our forks.  And every one of those forks have a handle that is THREE feet long.  There is NO WAY in the world we can get that food in our mouths and that ol' devil stands there laughing and laughing over and over every single night and I tell you it is torture something AWFUL!"  
"Well" says the other man "we've got big banquet tables of food in heaven too. And our forks ... our forks they have the same handles no WAY we can feed ourselves either.  Exactly the same problem.  So we just sit down .... and feed each other"
THEY FEED EACH OTHER!
They feed each other ... now WHAT an idea!  What an amazing thing to do!  
MAKES ALL the difference between feast and famine ... between happiness and torture!

Now how come nobody in Hell thought of that?
Not. One. Soul.
Well no one down in Hell thought of that because that is not they way they THINK.
That's why they are DOWN there in the first place.
It would NEVER occur to them to do anything for any body else.
And THAT'S their curse.
And THAT is the real pain of living in Hell.

You see ... it is the curse they laid upon themselves when they walked the Earth.

Mourning Supergirl

I was thinking the other day.
MAN when I was "fat" I was one strong bitch!
No joke! I could bench press 245 for one at least (hmmmm I will have to double check that info as I AM getting old as well)
I was strong! Too bad I didn't do any deadlifts back then cause I would really be curious what I could lift.  Currently I can deadlift only 205lbs.
I would whip air conditioners in and out of windows like no ones business, carry ALL the grocery bags in on one hand, move stuff up and down stairs like a champ and I felt strong.
As I have said in previous posts ... I was never "unhappy" per se with my weight.  I was still energetic, a whackadoo and outgoing.  I have always had a pretty strong self esteem and a healthy amount of self confidence. I did it ALL for health.

But I kinda miss my curves.  I miss my boobs. Yes that's right I said it! I miss my strength most of all.
My boobs are like deflated balloons (thank god for good bras) and the skin hanging from the weight loss forces me to wear a spanx type tank top under EVERYTHING or it moves around and is uncomfortable.  I also get rashes and sores.

I have gained about 15-20lbs that I need/want to get rid of but I have pretty much decided I am going for the skin removal surgery next year.  And I may just throw in the boob lift/reconstruction just for shits and giggles to get all the pain over with.  This will hopefully almost all be covered by medical and if now ... Hell, we will figure it out.
I am not doing it for vanity.  I am tired of getting rashes and sores under my breasts and double stomach skin hang.  I am tired of wearing this damn spanx thing AND a cami under everything I wear.  I am scared to death as I hear that surgery is no joke but I have had the gastric bypass AND major back surgery. I am sure I will be fine.

I felt like Supergirl before.
I started lifting again but was pretty disappointed in myself.  I don't feel nearly as strong as before.  I know that after the gastric bypass muscle loss is huge.  Protein is important but it is incredibly hard to get so much protein in when your belly is the size of an egg plus trying to stay hydrated, trying to stay up with your vitamins needed after surgery etc.  I am stronger than I was when I started but feel discouraged sometimes when lifting.  I don't have that "explosion" like I did when I was younger and yes .... Fatter.  Maybe it is both.  I am sure age is a huge factor as well.

They say muscle has memory ... I think mine have dementia.

But I have nine months before the skin removal so let's get this party started.
PEACE
~t

Mattering ....

I have suffered a loss ... Last summer was a huge eye opener for me and a terrible time of mourning something special.  I was supposed to be celebrating something that was so important in my life ... Two years of working on finally finishing my Bachelors in Psychology.  It was a hard road and right up until the end I could almost not even believe it was right there in sight.  The first year I worked full time third shift and attended full time classes ( and going through a LOT with my ASD son and freshly diagnosed girl teenager with depression/anxiety disorder and partial hospitalization with her for that).  The second year I was not working but had suffered an injury and needed back surgery and STILL attended full time.  It was a LOT of pressure on me and my family but I am so amazed and proud that I did it.  

But with all that accomplishment came the biggest disappointment of my life. 
I try to be a good friend.  
I ALWAYS try to be there unless life has REALLY REALLY REALLY grabbed hold of me by the gonads and I just cannot follow through for a friend.  Bleeding to death or vommitting like Linda Blaire in the exorcist will often stop me from following through as well.  
But the article at the end of this blog entry (you will have to copy and paste it in your browser to go to it) could have legit been written by me and I wish I had read it a year ago.  Not that I would not still be in mourning or still second guessing decisions I have made.  But I made it.  The decision. I have hard lines.  One hard line is seeing my kid(s) hurting. So it is what it is.
All I ever wanted from my friends is to show the same love that I show them.  I have some pretty amazing friends that have shown me more love than I have ever known in the past year.  They are amazing.  Some I didn't even realize that were always there all along. 

The pain is still there and it may take years.  Mourning is a process. 

But let me say this.  If a friend needs/wants you there ...

Just show up.

Here is the article ...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wendy-atterberry/showing-up-the-single-most-important-thing-a-friend-can-do_b_5697930.html

~t