Three years ...

February 14th will mark three years out from gastric bypass surgery.
It was the day I chose as the day I was deciding to love myself and do something about my health.
It took three years for my doc to talk me into having the surgery as he saw my health declining more and more over the years due to my weight.  In September of 2012 I decided enough was enough and in Feburuary of 2013 I had done all the things I needed to do and was ready to get this done.

Three years seems just crazy to me.  In the first six months I had lost 100lbs.  In the next 3-6 months I had lost 20lbs.  Then I had lost my max.  My lowest was 148 lbs.  I looked sick and unhealthy but as I said in my previous blog ... I knew my body knew what it was doing and slowly I started putting on some weight.  I remained comfortable at 160-165 for almost a year and a half.
I am now 185.
I have 20lbs to lose.
I have begun analyzing my eating habits and trying to figure out where that 20lbs has come from.
I rejoined my TOPS group with a bunch of amazing ladies.  (TOPS - Taking Off Pounds Sensibly)
I am starting to slowly add more exercise in my weekly life.  I had looked back on my fitbit information (it was down for almost a year due to a lost charger) and saw that a year ago I was walking/jogging at least 3-4 times a week and over the past year have not done any of that.

I suffered a terrible time of depression this past spring/summer.  I think that is when the weight went on.  Not due to eating but due to complete lack of moving my body, sleeping as much as I could and actually NOT feeding my body like I should have been. 
Depression will kill ya.  It literally HURT to go through a tough time of depression.  All you want to do is sleep and do nothing.
Ending my college years was a huge accomplishment as well as a huge let down of emotions that are very hard to explain.  While I was proud of myself for accomplishing a goal I set out to do ... it was also clouded with a terrible realization of some things in my life that would soon come to an end.  So while it was the beginning of one thing ... it also ended up being the ending to another.  My heart burst with pride for doing something I set out to do and could show my children that you CAN be a wife, mom, daughter, friend ...
my heart also was weighed down by sorrow to find out that certain things in life are not always as they seem and something that was a HUGE part of my life would end.
Happiness and sorrow.
Greatness and grief.

After graduation I applied for my masters at RIC and did not get accepted.
SOoooooo out into the working world I went.
AMAZINGLY difficult.  After basically being a stay at home mom for 15 years ... I was facing the world in a whole new way.
I got a job and was now a "working mom".  Entering with rose-colored glasses I soon learned how the other side of the world works.
It is hard to keep a smile and fresh attitude when you enter the working world with so many other personalities.  A lot of people were "oh boy ... welcome to the real world" (see a previous post on THAT)
yup ... what I learned in the six months since working full time is this .... you find out quick what the world is ALL about.
Dealing with over a dozen personalities at one time is tough to navigate.  Not that I have not done this before ... just not on a DAILY basis. 
You find out quick that some people just don't want to be bothered, some people are genuinely sweet, some people are petty, some are interesting, some are kind, some are willing to teach and some are not, some are there for you and some are not.
Group dynamics are amazing!  I studied a lot about this in school.  Behavior and what makes people behave the way they do is something that I always had a passion for.  Wow ... did I have my work cut out for me.  Finding my place among a staff has proven much more difficult than I thought.
Grown ups are proving more difficult than I thought.  LOL
I have taken it down a few notches and am less enthusiastic than I was in the beginning but still feel like I am a good worker and can be a good friend to anyone who asks.  My rose colored glasses are less rosy but not dulled out by tough situations that have arisen. 
I have learned a lot.  Filed away a bunch of information that has allowed me to grow a bit and I feel I am a better person over all having experienced a few things.
Lesson learned.

As far as the bypass for those of you who are here for that ... I have learned if you were unhappy before and do not find out why ... You will be unhappy still after.  The more unhappy you were before ... the more you will change after.  I think people really need to analyze why they need/want the surgery.  I feel like it has made my life healthier sure ... but also I have lost things due to the surgery.  Mainly relationships.  I have lost friendships. 
I think my marriage is stronger.  My relationship with my kids is stronger.  I have made new friendships from having the surgery. 
BUT I have also LOST friendships because of the surgery.

I have gained health.  I will give this piece of advice.  Get your shit into order before considering the surgery.  Think about what makes your life joyful.  Think about what makes your life less joyful.  Think about the people who are important to you.  Think about what surrounds that importance.  Think about what relationships are worth fighting for.  Things WILL change in some way or another after surgery.  It is a lifelong thing.  Your life will improve on SO many levels but with that comes things that will happen that you would never think would happen.  Make sure you have a good support system in place.  If your marriage is a bit shaky ... work on that shit before surgery because surgery will NOT make that better unless you are willing as a team to accept the changes that come along with this lifelong decision.
Think about your relationship with food cause that is going to change IMMENSELY!  I have a hard time "enjoying" food anymore.  And EVERYONE'S experience with weight loss surgery (WLS) is different.  Not ONE SINGLE case is the same as another.  This is what is most difficult and even though you hear it before WLS you don't really have it sink in until afterwards when you hear about people who cannot eat ice cream and you still can.  Or how you cannot eat cereal like EVER ... but people after WLS have no issues.  How it took you a year to gulp down water but some people can chug it three weeks later after surgery.  You have to be willing to take the risk that you have NO IDEA what YOUR life will be like after surgery.  You know for certain something has to be done for your health and you know surgery will put you on that path but while some people path is smooth ... yours may be rocky or vice versa.  If you have control issues ... work on THAT before surgery.  Because for a long time your BODY will be telling YOU what to do.  It will be IN CONTROL.  Your mind will want one thing and your body will want another.  Mind hunger is the DEVIL.  You will need a lot of support to get through it.  Take advantage of people who want to help especially if any of those people have done WLS themselves.

Next posts will be about what I am eating these days and how the weight loss is going after three weeks.

As always ....
Be at peace.  Love yourself.  Love others.
Be kind.

~t
 Below is my life ... the reason I live.  
For my husband, my kids and my pups!

 

The Road Alone

Big changes in life are going to happen.
You will have people who tag along and rejoice and those who fall by the wayside and regret.
You will grow and learn from it or inherit a bitter heart.
Everyday we make a choice. 

What will you choose?
I know what I have chosen.

An enlightened heart.
Peace


~t

New Year 2016

A New Year is upon us and the second half of 2015 sucked ass for me.
A time when a HUGE accomplishment was achieved in my life (working my ass off to get my Bachelors) ended up being clouded by heart break ... The heart break of my life.
I am left with a hole in my heart forever.
I am not healing as quickly as I have in the past or as quickly as I thought.
And I know now ... I will forever be a different person.
Maybe because I have become wiser, stronger ... Or I woke up.
Either way ... It's going to take a process of mourning that I am not quite used to.
And this time I walk it more alone than I have before.
I am exhausted from wondering why. Exhausted from trying to understand what I did.  Exhausted from trying to figure things out.
I have no bitterness in my heart.  I never did.  Only true confusion and unconditional love.
But I am finally letting the clouds of confusion disappear and lift from my heart.
Because I have to.  I owe it to those who want me to be here for them and be the best me I can be.

This year I look forward to sticking by my decisions.
Moving on from what was lost to me and raising my kids and strengthening my family.
Building new friendships in mid-life and bonding to those who were there for me all along but I never saw.  Those that patiently waited for me to reach out to them ... Who were standing among the shadows but never too far for when I needed them most.

I think I have felt enough heart ache in this past year and I am ready....
I am choosing to walk away.  I am too exhausted to try any longer.
I am ready ...

To have a great life.

The 2015 Year in Review for The Wards!

SO ... if you are here you care to know more about what the Wards have been up to this year.

I have decided to phase Facebook out of my life for the most part.  It really is full of garbage and takes up too much of my time.  I enjoy blogging much more anyway and hope to keep this page updated so come back often friends!

So ... HAPPY HOLIDAYS!  Another year on the planet!
The Wards have been very busy this year.
Tony and I celebrated our 19th year married and 23 years together!
Hunter turned 18 this year and Hailey turned 15.

Hunter is a senior in high school.  He is still working in the vocational Marine Trades in school but the most exciting thing that happened this year is that through ORS (office of rehabilitation services) he was placed in a job with Simplex in Providence.  This was the first time this company has worked with ORS.  Hunter impressed them so much that they asked if he could stay!  He still continues to work there three days a week after school and hopefully will be offered a full time position once he graduates in June.  He also has gotten his permit and has been taking driving lessons offered by ORS.  He will take his road test in February.  We also had another amazing summer with Surfers Healing.

This summer he played flag football again with the Trudeau Tigers and Special Olympics and once again took home the gold.  He also did a 4.1 military style race with me called Boulder Dash.  His grades are decent and for the most part keeping his teenage fresh mouth in check! :)

Hailey is a Sophmore and will be making the decision of which school she will go to next year.  Her high school is converting to a junior high so she has a few options and decisions to make.  She is on the honor roll and still plays the clarinet.  Her band just had a winter concert and they did great!  She has played soccer and is now doing track.  We are proud of her for going out of her comfort zone and trying new things. Her anxiety and depression issues have been pretty successfully taken care of with awesome therapy and medication.  And we are thankful so much for this! She also did the Color Run this year with a few friends.  This year Hailey is in her tenth consecutive year as a Girl Scout.  In June of 2016 she will be bridging to Ambassador.  She remains focused in her studies and her art.  This year has been a good one for Hailey!

Tony is still working at Brown University.  He is an HVAC technician with them.  The big news this year for the big guy is that he was elected president of his union and is looking forward to making changes and working hard to make his union a strong one for the people.  He is a hard worker, a great husband and father.  He continues to be the rock in this family.

I FINALLY earned my Bachelors in Psychology from Rhode Island College.  It was a long hard road but I have finally done it.  I began working full time for the first time since the kids were born.  In September I was employed by the Providence Center.  I am a teachers assistant in the Providence Center High School.  It is a great stepping stone for getting my toes wet into the working world.  I honestly love it!  I could not have asked for a better first job after exiting college and stay at home motherhood.  I continue to do respite work for some pretty awesome families and love them all.  I still watch my little Saturday buddy for four years now.  I also still am a Thirty-One Senior consultant.  I believe it is FIVE years now.  WOW> www.mythirtyone.com/tward
(shameless plug)
This year was a bit of a struggle for me with my anxiety and depression but the doc and I are working on adjusting my meds.  Those of you who know the struggle ... know its real and sometimes it takes time.  This summer was a tough one for me.  Emotions were up and down.  The holidays give me mixed emotions but I am handling them.  Depression is an illness and it is a struggle every day.  I am certainly looking forward to 2016 and growing and learning more and more about what is truly important to me and my mental health.  I have a wonderful support system and am so thankful for that.

Angel and Bruno are still maniacs.  They turned seven this year.  We lost a few chickens here and there throughout the year to wild life.  We now have only four.

Our little beach house is still standing strong and we look forward to making a few changes in 2016.

Our family has been truly blessed with happiness and health this year.

To all my family, friends, followers, customers, readers .... I care about each and every one of you.
The variety of people I have in my life ... I am truly blessed and appreciate you all.
From my family to yours .... We wish you the warmest, happiest and most joyous of holiday season and a wonderful, healthy and prosperous New Year.

-t

November 2015

Just this.

When u realize you didn't matter at all.
When you realize that all your energy, kindness, unconditional love .... Had conditions.
When you realize everything you thought would be .... Never will.
When you realize it was all for nothing cause that is what is left.
Nothing.

Welcome to the Real World

I hate that saying about as much as ...

"Welcome to motherhood..."

"Welcome to the teenage years ..."

"Welcome to hell ... " 

And

"What's the plan for dinner ..."

As if the past eighteen years spent as a stay at home mom I DIDN'T know what the "real" world was like.  I know the people who say this are usually saying it in jest but underneath hmmmmm they really mean ..."welcome to the hell of punching in and punching out, answering to someone else for your actions, being responsible to be where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be there or there will be consequences, paying the man, and/or being (possibly not everyone is) miserable for the rest of your life and begging for Friday to get here for those two days of freedom"

I get it.

Or apparently I don't.

But that's okay.

In MY REAL WORLD I have dealt with shitty diapers, vomit, snot, tantrums, diagnosis', grief, countless doctors appointments, prescriptions, finding out who is there for you and who is not, heart ache, loss, finding clever ways to make money for my family, helping raise other people's children, being a good friend, a good wife, the best mom I can be, Autism, depression, anxiety ....

Nah ....that's nothing like the REAL world.

The WORKING world.

But I am about to find out.

And I am ready to take it on like everything else in my life .... With optimism and rose colored glasses which can be a blessing or a curse depending on how it fits into this new job. 

I am helping kids, I am putting my degree to work ...what more could I want.

Let's DO THIS! 

BRING IT ON BABY! 

The Fourtieth Summer

***I published this ... Then unpublished it a day later.  I was afraid of what people may think or who may think what ... Today ... I don't give a flying shit. This is my blog ... People come here at their own free will.  They can choose not too ... So I am posting this and keeping it.  Because it is real and it is me.
I made a decision today.
I am proud of it.
I am owning it.
I KNOW NOW ... I have come out different ... Better.  I found out that to some people ... Some things are just not worth fighting for ... It's not important enough to them to put up a fight for something that was always an unconditional constant in their life no matter what.
So I made the decision of not wanting to always be the one fighting or reaching out.  I have given all of myself.  I know that in MY heart.  All things begin and end for a reason.
So now it's ended. 
And I am beginning.

Read on.  It is what it is. 


This last summer of my fortieth year has been by far the worst ever.  I found out what it feels like to be dismissed ... And ultimately replaced.  In the blink of an eye.  I found out what it felt like to invest your heart into something so deeply and then have it torn apart.  I guess I was due.   I mean maybe I should feel happy that I have made it this long.

Maybe I have been spoiled ... Lucky, blessed ... However you wanna look at it to have gone this long in my life without this feeling.  

But either way it sucks and it hurts and I don't know how to make it better.

It is a strange feeling.

Like there is a constant invisible string attached to your heart and you turn and see something to remind you and it tugs.  You hear a song and it tugs some more.  You see something out and about and want to share it and it tugs some more.  Because there is no sharing.  It's just a thought and then it disappears. But the string is always there ...always tugging because there are so many reminders all around.  Everywhere.  And they make you smile but then this pain follows and then sadness happens and it is so quick it almost takes my breath away.  It's almost like a death ...an actual death of something.

I have gone through stages of rage, sadness, mourning, self-doubt, more rage, simmering anger, sadness again, self-hate ... But I am still waiting for the pain to subside.  Not my WHOLE day is consumed by it anymore but I can tell you that some days are tough.  Some days I barely want to get out of bed because a piece of me is missing.  And I think no matter what happens after healing ... It will always be missing and never, ever the same.  And THAT alone makes me sad.  How do I deal with that? I am not sure.  

No matter what or how it is looked at ... I will be seen as being selfish.  For not thinking that perhaps someone else is entitled to happiness but it's not that at all.  

It was never that.  And I may never make it be understood.

So it's a stalemate right now.  A pond with a layer of stagnant mush on top ... Just sitting there. 

I don't know how to move the water, to get the pond circulating again. To create a waterfall because at my core that's who I am.  A person who wants peace, happiness for everyone always and in all ways ....  But there is a part of me is not even sure I want to. Because that's what I ALWAYS do.  I always put myself out there first.  

 I will never invest my heart in that way again.  I am a different person after this summer.  Whether it's for the better or worse remains to be seen.  

I guess we shall see.