And So She Woke Up ....

You know when you have one of those dreams where you talk to someone who is no longer in your life and you say to them all the things you want/need to say.  You unload it all ... And it becomes the most therapeutic thing ever.

You have all the emotions ... Sad, anger, relief, joy, disappointment and closure.
You wake up feeling it was real and you feel a bit better.

Yea that happened last night. What a feeling! 
It literally felt SO real. And while I know it was not ... My heart is a bit lighter today.
And it feels good. 

Another trip around the sun ....

Happy Birthday to me!
So much going on! I will blog soon!

Sweet child of mine .... Sixteen already!

Happy SWEET 16 Birthday to this kid right here!

She is my little peach! Very shy wee kid and always thought it was just that. As she grew though it became evident it was something more. She has been suffering with anxiety/depressive disorder for a few years now and I am so proud of all the progress she has made since the beginning.  She is an A-B student, still plays the clarinet ( for 8 years now), and an Ambassador level Girl Scout.  She is creative, compassionate, caring and smart. I understand how the struggle is and that makes me appreciate her battle all the more.  Sometimes when anxiety grips you and you are shutting down people will see you as rude or insensitive ... It is my job to help her understand that no one is fighting her battle but her and she just needs to work on her healing and in time she will learn how to navigate situations better.  I am fortunate and BLESSED that she loves her mom and dad and trusts us. She listens and learns (as much as her disorder allows) and tries to make herself a better person because she knows this is a lifelong battle.  She is brave.  She is strong and her dad and I are proud.

She amazes me with her intuition. The way she will say things I was just thinking two minutes before. The way she loves animals. I love the way she sees the injustices in the world today and feels so passionately about fixing them.  I love that she wants to stick up for the little guy.  I love the way she asks questions and how comfortable I feel answering them  maturely because I know she can handle the hard answers now.  She became a woman before my eyes and I am so proud of her.
She is amazing!

We love you Hailey Rose.  Our Rosie, our Rosebud.
Hope you birthday is the happiest ever!

The Feeling of the Season of Sun

The sad truth is we are all missing someone ... And hope they are missing us too.

Challenge accepted!

I can remember when a wee crying baby came into the world at 9lbs 5oz.
I remember what we decided his name was going to be.
I remember when I realized he was different than ALL the other babies, all the other toddlers and all the other pre-teens, teenagers ... Adults.
This boy was SO smart!
Standing at five months to pull his mobile down on his crib, figuring out how to climb out of his crib at nine months and escaping his screened in room from at a year.
But he did not speak.
No mama, no dada, no baba ...
Incoherent grunts, screaming, crying, pointing ... Tantrums!

This boy who I didn't think would ever survive kindergarten, elementary years.  Middle school, high school, driving a car ... Graduating.

We had no help or any services when he was small or any time.  No ABA, no HBTS, no respite, no PASS, no CEDDAR, no SSI.
I have been this boy's advocate, his speech pathologist, his occupational therapist, his play therapist, his teacher.  I sometimes feel as though I have been robbed of just being his mother.

Such care and thought went into trying to show him he is more than his diagnosis given to him so late in life of Aspergers at age eleven.
He has been called spoiled, stubborn, lazy, not working to his potential ... We have had good

educators and bad ones.  Doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist, medication after medication.

It has all come to this point that I never thought he would get to.  Graduation.
It's amazing when you sit with your baby and wonder ... What will he sound like when he speaks?  Then not hear him say mama until about three years old.  So many struggles.  So much crying, wondering, sleepless nights.

Now my worries are different.  Will he understand if someone tries to take advantage of him? Will he follow the wrong kids because they know he has Autism and he wants to be cool? Will he be able to hold a job? Will he ever be able to live on his own? Will he ever find a girl who will understand his MANY quirks and eccentricities? And love and appreciate them?

For now I am going to just enjoy the process and hope he can make it through graduation.
He is a bit nervous as am I.  This is a big step into the real world.  The small bites he has taken have not truly prepared him for the real meal of full fledged adulthood.  No more getting up and knowing exactly what he is doing.  Exactly what is expected of him.

It will be a challenge.  The one thing Hunter has never ever deprived us with is a damn good challenge.

Here we go boy .... Take a deep breath and ....jump ....

Heartache NoMore

I have always been the best friend I can be.  I have been there for highs and for some ... At their rock bottom when they were in despair! I don't ask for much.  I usually don't ask for anything at all. I like being a good friend it makes me feel happy to make other people happy and to know that people can count on me when they need me. No matter when ... if they need anything at all in the middle of exams, in the middle the night or for anything. But I guess I can't make everybody happy and sometimes no matter what you do it's just not good enough. But I know that I am a good friend and that I can be a good friend. If other people don't know that ... that is their loss. Myheart is not aching anymore.
I do not however like passive aggressiveness.  I still say that if you have something to say ... say it to my face.  It never ends!  I constantly feel like I'm in high school. I mean ... give me a break and grow up.  People know where to find me.  I am always prepared to defend myself if I'm defending myself against the truth.  If you're asking me to defend myself against lies well then I have nothing to give to you and that kind of fight is not worth my energy.

 Short and sweet.

Soft Memories

Happy Easter

Few things going on in this life of mine.

I joined a group called TOPS. Take Off Pounds Sensibly.
I have gained about 20 unwanted pounds. Eh it happens.  So this is a group of wonderful ladies who get together once a week and hold one another accountable.  We weigh in.  We laugh, cry, bond and don't judge.  I need it to get back on track.  So far .... Well .... We'll see.

Still feeling like I am crawling out of my own skin here and there. Still feeling that piece of loneliness that accompanies a big life decision.
But getting better every day.
Finding new company to keep.  Those who love me and appreciate me.  Nurturing friendships that I should have all along.
Loving the wonderful husband I have and my kids who need me.

Easter was always one of the holidays my mom really made special.  She would dress us up all nice.  We would have lots of family and friends around.  Colored eggs, hugs, kisses and chocolate.

My mom asked if I remember all the things we did when we were small.  I remember the feeling of those times.  Those hugs and kisses.
Colored eggs and love.