Seasons

I found this poem and it is a magnificent way for me to deal with the hurt I feel everyday with the unanswered questions, the wonder whys and the pure confusion.

I may have to read this daily. 



Also be on the lookout for some new stuff from me dear readers ... very exciting! 

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

My soul needed this ....

The Pain of Moving On

Yesterday I was struggling.
Some days are great .... most days. But a lot of the days I am grieving.
I am healing.
Yesterday sucked. For some reason my mind kept on with the "what ifs" and the self-doubts.
Today is better but I am still waiting for the best days when it IS easier as she says in this video.
I dig this chick.
She says a lot of the shit I am thinking or need to hear.

https://youtu.be/3GQhoXaxfB0

(You will need to copy and paste the above link)

That is all.

I will keep on healing.
Real estate in MY heart is precious. And though there will always be a vacant spot there now and never be occupied again ... I will plant a garden there and hold onto the goodness that once was.
Peace always and in all ways.

I knew ....

Who Knew

P!nk

Lyrics

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words, and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no, no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'Fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better, still you said forever, and ever
Who knew?

Yeah, yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you, my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew?

My darling
My darling
Who knew?
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew?

Who knew?

Songwriters: Alecia Moore / Lukasz Gottwald / Max Martin

Who Knew lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Bypassing the years ... Year four

Happy Valentine's Day
To me!
I specifically chose Valentine's Day four years ago as the day I wanted to change my life. If you look back on my beginning posts you will see it was a decision that did not come easy.  Maybe for some it is.  It took my doctor three years to convince me.
Here are some stats on me:
HW 289
SW 252
LW 148
CW 184
IW 165
(Highest weight, surgery weight, lowest weight, current weight, ideal weight)
When I started this my BMI was 40.7
My BMI today is 29.7
My ideal weight would be 165 because then I would be considered "normal weight" and my BMI would be 25.
It is my goal not just because of that but because I also felt better at 165.  It was my most comfortable. Shirts size L and size 14 pants.  At my lowest weight I got into a size 10 for like a day.  I was in 12s for a few months but 14 was always where I felt like me. I am fine with that.  I do not need to, nor desire to be, a size 2.  Besides my body is just not built that way.
I have learned a LOT in the past four years.  I have learned that food is everywhere.  Food is social, food is emotional and food has a part in every aspect of our lives.  I never thought about food so much as I do now and these past four years.  Our relationship with food rules how we feel about ourselves.  We label food as "good" or "bad".  Food rules our emotions and our emotions are ruled by food. A day can be ruined or celebrated by what we put in our mouth.  Does that seem right? Right or not there is plenty of data showing that food is indeed a huge emotional ruler.  Physically I have learned a lot about myself during this journey.  I have learned to listen to my body.  To really listen and most of all to trust what it needs. I am going to be honest with you here. I do NOT follow all the rules.  I follow what works for me.  The ONE rule I have always followed though is NO CARBONATED beverages.  Honestly speaking to you again, not because it is a rule, but because it just plain hurts like hell.  It makes me extremely uncomfortable.  I was never a big soda drinker anyway so it was not a big deal. For some it was and some have gone back and suffered the consequences because of it.  It all comes down to choices and what you want for you.  I hear success and not so successful stories.  I guess I have had what you call a "re-gain" because I should be around 165lbs. So I have 20lbs to lose.  Some say this is not so damn bad.  I do not get crazy about it.  U til year three I was maintaining the 165.  Then something weird happened. Going into year four eating began to lose its charm. I would go days just drinking and not eating much then I would have days where I was like a fiend eating everything.  I would get pain after a few bites right under the top of my left high ribs.  I could eat an almost full sized restaurant meal. I decided to go check and see if my pouch was working okay.  We did an upper GI .... guess what? My pouch is fine. How is that? My pouch did not enlarge, stretch or change since a week or a year after surgery but I could eat a good amount of food ... where the hell is it going? Mmmmmm .... wicked weird. LOL. I was happy to discover nothing was really wrong.  There is one tiny spot that may possibly be widened a bit and I was to go for a consult with the surgeon to see if it was worth going in and cinching it up but today got a call to reschedule. So we will have to see.

It may or may not be worth the aggravation.  I will keep you posted on that.  Over four years I have a DNE list and it grows everyday it seems. The DNE (do not eat) list is as follows:

Tuna

Cereal with milk

Peppermint patties

Anything nestle

Chocolate cake

Hamburg 

Some other beef like some steaks

Pancakes

Most all bread

Some pasta

Donuts

NO fast food (reg hard taco from Taco Bell is ok) 

Notice most of these things are "bad" foods anyway. But I am human and have eaten all of these things and no matter how big or small the amount consumed they upset my stomach and I do not feel well after eating them.  Hershey chocolate is okay for some reason. Weird.  But anyway, a lot of times even if I am eating "good" food, I often still feel uncomfortable after eating.  Maybe I eat too fast.  I AM always in a hurry and eat too fast.  Most people who see me after four years like the way I look now.  Some say before I was looking too scrawny and now am just right.  Like I said, I want to be down a bit more but for the most part am still pretty happy here.  For someone who is not extremely active, I am damn okay the way I am now.  My blood work has been fantastic! I was lifting weight for awhile and was doing pretty well.  But some family issues came up and has distracted me as of the past few months so I have to find the motivation to get back into it. 

The main thing since surgery is the mind fuck.  It is huge people and I am telling you that if you do not have your shit together before surgery you will NOT have it together after.  First, for the first year your emotions are that related to a pregnant woman with hormones all the hell over the place! It is cry, scream, calm down, rinse and repeat.  If you get through the first year and you are still semi sane congrats there is hope for you! Medication does not work the same as it is absorbed differently.  My psyche meds are not nearly as effective as they were before surgery and I have had to reach into my mental coping skills toolbox more than I woul like to admit.  And sometimes it has helped and sometimes it has not. It is a daily struggle and I am going soon to get my meds reassessed to make sure I am on the best kind/dose to help me through.

Most of all folks in the past four years I have learned a lot about myself and my relationship with others.  I have learned people either want to be part of your journey or not. Maybe it has been a coincidence that the surgery has happened to be around the same time my brain matured to come to the realization who/what is important in my life and worth being around and/or fighting for. Relationships change and some relationships cannot withstand this journey. Smetimes it is the other person that changes or it is you.  I have always tried to stay true to myself and who I am and have always been.  I would like to think I am a better person.  I have lost during this journey and lost big.  It was not just pounds lost but friendships as well.  It took me a long time to think and heal from this but I feel I am finally on my way.  I know now that certain things will be lost forever and that realization has been the hardest of all.  

I have my husband and my kids. This Valentine's Day, four years out from gastric bypass, I have my health.  I have lost more than just fat these past four years and even though I gained a bit back the thing that I gained most has been an understanding of myself, who I want to be moving forward and how I will get there.  

You can follow along dear reader if you choose. 

Peace always and in all ways

T

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid ....

Guns.
You either like them or hate them.
You either believe we should be able to have them or not.
There does not seem to be a happy medium when it comes to this subject.
Kinda like religion or politics.  And the discussion about guns can get just as heated. People get FIRED UP! I think a lot of it has to do with how you are raised.
I grew up around guns.  I held them, loaded them, unloaded them, shot them.
My dad took us numerous times to a gun club and I would watch him shoot.  I don't ever remember him telling me  to back up, cover my ears or be careful.  I remember him handing me a gun and telling me to shoot.  I remember running around the gun club like it was a freaking playground. We stayed for a weekend sometimes and I actually have fond memories of the place and the time we spent there. There was woods, creeks, frogs, dirt and lots of guns.  Good food, drunk grown-ups and lots of guns!
It was, after all, the 70's.
By today's standards my parents would probably had DCYF on their ass. I was literally a wee child as you will see in the awesome picture below. I think I was MAYBE FIVE YEARS old. Sooooooo 1979 "ish". Damn! Look at that cuteness!
I knew where my dad kept his guns.  Knew where he kept the ammo and I was a very curious child. Now neither of my parents were neglectful. See that old school playpen in the background? My mother probably had me in that thing until my eighth birthday and even IF I DID know how to climb out (and I am sure I did), if she put my ass in there I stayed in there until she said I could get out.  I kept myself busy.  I did not dare get out until I was told.
So what happened? When did we become a country so afraid of guns? When did things change and go awry? When did common sense get thrown out the window? And why?



Growing up around guns made guns not a big deal.  Not being such a big deal made them just that ... not a big deal.  Of course, we were TOLD not to touch the guns. 

... most of the time I did not listen.  I just knew they were to be respected.  I do not particularly remember what was going on in this picture.  Knowing my dad, he probably thought I looked quite adorable holding these two and decided right then in that moment that it should be snapped and kept for posterity.  I personally adore this picture! Besides the confusion of why I am dressed like a boy and I looked like I needed a good hair brushing, I feel like I was happy in this slice of childhood.
If a picture like this ended up on Facebook today ... ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE. I have thought about actually posting it but didn't want to start a shit show.  And shame that it would or could do such a thing.  I am not sure what happened to us all.  I remember being outafter dark, jumping roofs, breaking into junk yards and pretending to drive inside the old cars.  One time in one particular old junk yard we opened an old car to a nest of angry wasps .... yep ... that sucked! A few times we got caught and the owner yelled a good ol' "Scram you damn kids!" Yes ... it was THAT corny.  I miss those corny days.  We were tough city kids.  We spit, swore, talked about farts and burps and poop.  We laid down in the mud to take a nap with the family dog and never wore shoes.
What the F happened?


Back to the guns.  So after my parents got divorced, my dad had a breakdown and all of his guns got taken away.  When you go into a mental hospital, that shit happens and rightly so.
So guns were not a big part of my life after that.  He did eventually get them all back ... do not ask me how. Mental illness, alcoholism, drug abuse ... it all runs rampant in my family. But we had guns!
So here we are.
Whether pro gun or not, everyone needs to listen to reason.  Law-abiding citizens deserve to have the right to protect themselves and their families through gun ownership.  They deserve the right to enjoy firearms as a sport and for hunting.  If you practice safe and responsible gun ownership, you should be able to claim your Second Amendment rights.
It is pretty much that simple.
The boss loves guns.  I knew this when I met him. He is a straight up red neck and I love him.  We fought a little here and there about guns in the house once babies started being born and for a long time they went away.  I just did not want them around the kids.  He worked a lot when they were small and the boy was literally like Houdini.  And times had changed. Kids were shooting up schools and it was all changing.  The world in general was taking a huge turn and you could feel it happening.  The World Wide Web, social media, terrorism.  Columbine, Oklahoma City bombing .... Sept 11.
People were afraid of guns, but guns were on the rise.  Fear was on the rise.  We were no longer worried as much about nuclear war as in my day but war on our streets.  War on our kids and schools and this apocalyptic mindset right here in our own homes andbackyards.
2016 was THE YEAR of the gun.

As of the beginning of 2016, there were over 14.5 million concealed carry permits in the US.  THAT REPRESENTS A 215% increase in the number of permits since 2007.  Yet, those numbers are clearly an underestimate of the number of people who can legally carry because there are 12 states now where you do not need a permit to be able to carry, and while some people in those states still get a permit to be able to carry outside their state, the number of permits in these Constitutional Carry states does tend to fall.
The biggest increases in permit have been for women and minorities.  The number of women with permits has increased twice as quickly as the number of men with permits.
The boss wants a permit to carry.  I am not a fan.  Of course it is his right and we have guns in the house now.  Only the past few years or so have we had guns and the ammunition to go with them in our home.  We take the proper precautions. They are not loaded, locked up, etc.  Having a permit to carry is a whole thing that just makes me nervous. The boss  is a "gotta protect my family" man and I get it.  But I can also see how that creates an unnecessary burden to do so under any and all circumstances.  It IS a scary world  out there but I do not want to lose my husband because he decided to play hero on a madman that decides to go all out in a store or restaurant we are in.  But THAT is exactly why he feels he HAS the right to carry one.  I go back and forth.  I feel it can give  a burden that I would not be prepared to handle.  And bad guy or not ... who can know that they can be prepared to take a life?
I do not think guns themselves are the sole reason for people killing.  If someone is gonna kill or wants to kill ... they will find a way. But guns ALWAYS take the blame.

I do not have any answers.  All I know is it is a right ... a RIGHT in the Constitution that as a responsible citizen  you have the right to bear arms.
There are a lot of things that should/could/need to happen to keep citizens safe. I do not have any answers.  All I know is people on either side need to educate themselves.  Guns are to be respected, are to be had responsibly and as of right now ... still a given right to own.

Oh and pro gun or not .... I am SOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE IN THIS PICTURE!
Just saying!

Peace and love people ... peace and love.
t

Just this ....

I didn't realize this just today but ... everytime I think about it ... it feels just as fresh as if it were today.
It is what it is.

Survivor Dad

The Next Survivor Series

The following was sent to me in an email by a friend! I thought it was great!

Enjoy!

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must:
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time, no e-mailing.

Each man must also take each child to:
a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for:
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside,
and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must:
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn themselves with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished,
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to:
endure severe abdominal cramps,
back aches,
head aches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend:
weekly school meetings
and church,
and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or
a similar setting.

They will need to:
read a book to the kids each night
and in the morning,
feed them,
dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks,
and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's
birthday,
height,
weight,
shoe size,
clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length,
time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's
favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,
and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if....
he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right to be called Mother!